


SVU In A Nutshell

by KMissouri



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Adventure, Crack, Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, Drabble Collection, Friendship, Gen, Humor, One Shot Collection, Parody, Vignette
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-01-01
Updated: 2014-03-30
Packaged: 2017-11-07 06:02:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 26
Words: 72,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/427710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KMissouri/pseuds/KMissouri
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Did you honestly believe that SVU is all seriousness 24/7? Not even close. This unusual series takes a deconstructive jab at the series and the fanbase, as it enters the lives of the detectives and prosecutors of Manhattan Special Victims Unit. The series depicts the personal and work lives of your favorite characters, where they try to make the best out of their boring and graphic career.</p><p>But the question is, are their personal lives just as messed up as their jobs? The answer: Yeah, pretty much.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Chapter One**

**Elliot**  - "Hello readers, I'm Detective Stabler."

 **Olivia**  - "...And I'm Detective Benson. And this is a brand new series called,  _SVU In a Nutshell_."

 **Elliot**  - "Would you like to explain, Liv?"

 **Olivia**  - "Gladly. This fan-fiction is none like any other. This series as we call it, is focused mainly on humor. Usually the events of what goes on in the precinct, the DA's office and even at the crime scenes. We have no intention of making fun of rape in this story but instead, this is mainly to give you a laugh or two and you guys can chime in and request ideas. Or not."

 **Elliot**  - "As for us characters, you may notice from time to time that we act a little out of the ordinary. But that's for humor purposes; if this was a drama, then we'd be as 'in character' as we can possibly be."

 **Olivia**  - "Also, this series ranges from any season of SVU so all of your favorite characters, living or dead, is subject to appear. You guys can ask for ideas on what kind of thing we should do next, but currently we are booked for the next several chapters."

 **Elliot**  - "So get a drink, finds someplace comfortable and quiet and read the borderline crazy thing we have in store."

 **Olivia**  - "But we warn you, this is not like any other SVU story, if you are unconformable with this, there is a handy backspace that you can use. But give us a try if you want. And now, we enter the story..."

* * *

_It's Movie Night_

Just getting off of work (finally), the fine detectives which consists of Olivia, Nick, Munch, Fin and Amanda decided to ease the prolonged stress of their job and go out and enjoy a fine movie. Since they've been too busy to care about anything, they had no clue about what was playing tonight. Oh well.

"Okay I'm gonna say it," Amaro randomly opened up, "Who's idea was it to go see a movie?"

"If I remember correctly, then it was Liv who suggested the idea." Munch answered him; he'd rather stay home than deal with this.

"Hey, is it my fault that I wanted to spend the night with my co-workers?" Olivia said rhetorically, "Who I love working with..."

While listening to her, Fin made a short observation, "This is because you have no date tonight, isn't it?"

She held a second of silence that led her to agree. "Yeah."

"So basically, because you can't get none, we have to spend the night watching a movie... with you." Rollins also observated.

"Come on guys, there's plenty of movies that we can watch. Battleship, Men In Black, The Three Stooges. Hell, I heard great things about The Avengers."

"No offense, Liv. But I'd rather spend the night dancing with a mop than to watch any of those movies." Munch stated; he was actually serious.

With everybody against watching  _anything_  tonight, they all walked out of the theater and while they walked away, Olivia yelled out, "Well fine. You guys suck then."

She would watch  _The Avengers_. But was highly disappointed with herself when she left. Talk about a great night.

* * *

_Arrg!_

When you aren't working on any active cases during the day, things get boring. Which in the case of Alex and Casey, any opportunity of them not working was a gift from God. Normally, they always went they're separate ways but this day was much different than any other. Why? This is why.

In the Hudson River, there was a paddle boat and it has Alex and Casey swimming in it. But the one thing that made it weird was the fact that Alex took the time to dress up as a pirate captain and with some sort of sword, she stood on the edge of the boat while Casey just had to sit there and deal with her. Things like this really made her wonder why she even talks to her.

"Arr, sailor. Where do you think the treasure is hiding in these trenches of this area?" Alex asked her, speaking in what sounded like a pirate accent.

"I have no idea what you just said." She sighed while continuing to paddle the boat, "Is this even worth our time? I'd rather read a crappy book than to continue paddling this thing."

"Come on, Casey. Just play along. How many chances do we get so we can leave work and have fun? Zero. Just do what I'm doing right here."

She sighed once again because of this stupid scenario, but eventually she swallowed her guts and chose to play along with her. "I don't see any treasure out here, cap'n. Perhaps we should look elsewhere."

"Well then gauge this boat in to full blast. We will find the treasure no matter what."

After some certain time, they were roaming up on a crime scene nearby. And incidentally, Munch and Fin were at the scene. But they were more focused don their time until they showed up out of the blue.

"Is is me or is it that more men are being raped these days?" Fin wondered.

"Makes me wanna protect my ass." Munch replied.

"As if anyone would want to go down that dusty road." Then all of a sudden, Fin notices Alex and Casey on a boat from afar. "Hey, Munch? Isn't that Alex and Casey?"

Munch looked over to check it out and after getting a better look, he said, "Yeah, that is them. But what the hell is Alex wearing?"

"Is that a question that we need to know?"

"Not really."

"Then let's do our job..."

While they turned their attention towards the job, that didn't really stop Alex from noticing them either. She wasn't sure at first, but using her binoculars she had a better look.

"Hey, Casey. Isn't that Munch and Fin over there." She inquired.

"Don't care."

* * *

_EX: Part 1_

There was a downside to Olivia's life; like the fact that she's single, mother less and that wasn't the beginning. Knowing how empty she was and how much of a downer she was, her partner and best friend Elliot looked to change that.  _So they went to a night club._  Olivia was not the kind to go out clubbing and if she was, she wouldn't have the time for it and Elliot was both married and doesn't need to have much fun at all. Even though this was far from each other's comfort zones, you gotta try something new.

A little uncomfortable, Olivia told Elliot, "I'm not sure if I should even be here. We should be working on the case."

"Relax, Liv. It's not a crime to have a take a load off. This job gets hard, but we need to remember to have fun with our lives."

"Perhaps." She sort of agreed. She's been at a bar sometimes, usually after work but a night club was something she wasn't commonly used too; all she saw was potential rape victims and rapists.

A while later, Elliot and Olivia were sitting at some table and he came back with their drinks. However, Elliot had something planned. He wanted Liv to loosen up, so he decided to add something extra to her beverage. He also had to make sure nothing went wrong.

"Bottoms up. Bottoms up."

"Shut up." They would consume the alcohol that they had and all Elliot had to do...was wait.

 _Half hour later_ , things lighten up in the club. What he had put in her drink happened to be ecstasy, a strange drug used for partying. And the effect was kinda hilarious. Olivia had more energy than a caffeinated five year old; she was dancing with glow sticks and at some point, she began to sing. Watching over her, Elliot was enjoying this and hoped he could show the others how she was acting right now.

"I need to try this more often."

* * *

_***We now interrupt this chapter for a following commercial***_

**Munch**  - "Hey boys, girls and stoners! You want a new cereal that is both delicious and parent-approved? Something that will make you want more? Then try  _Munchies_! Munchies is made of all kinds of shit that makes it taste good. I don't know how you make it, but you toast it or something, it's packed in a bag inside a box, you buy it, you open it, add some milk to it.

It's got the thing that are good for you, but will eventually rot your teeth at some point. Lactose intolerant? No worries! You can eat this crap without milk. It's fucking awesome! So buy Munchies in a store or drug dealer near you."

 **Fin**  - "What the hell are you doing, Munch?"

 **Munch**  - "I'm selling my new brand of cereal."

 **Fin**  - "Oh god. Kids, don't eat this. I've had it before, it's like eating a stale piece of bread that you find somewhere in a ditch."

 **Munch**  - *silence* "Shut up, Fin."

_Probably part of a balanced breakfast._

* * *

_***Back to the chapter***_

_What's My Problem?_

Recently, Casey has been feeling quite down as of recent. She's felt left out and all these things depressing. All she did was sit in her office and stay there in silence. You couldn't figure out why but it was better if you didn't. She rarely left her office except when she went home and even then she just plopped on the couch or bed. One time when she finally decided to leave her office, she could barely drag her feet to go anywhere.

That's when she ran into Alex, who was rushing out to go to court. When she noticed how depressed Casey was, she halted what she was doing to see what's wrong.

"What's wrong, Case?" She asked her, in which she responded by groaning a little. "Is it your time of the month again? Because if you lose your shit and get fired, I'll have no one to talk too."

"Alex, everybody I know has a crush on someone except for me." Casey moaned, in a more sad manner.

"Well, who knows how many people like you. I can't even believe that's a problem."

"Not like that. I mean I have no one to fawn over. It's like this, Olivia has some sort of crush on Elliot, Huang has some gay crush on Elliot, Munch has felt something for someone, you have a crush on Elliot and Olivia and it goes on and on."

Alex got a bit confused by this, in fact she didn't even know if she was serious. Though she did ask her, "Well.. is there anybody that you'd consider to be 'crush material'?"

"Well, Elliot's married. George is gay. Olivia is a consideration..-"

"Liv is not an option. You stay away!" Alex snarled at her the moment her name popped up.

"Okay then. Well, Munch and Cragen are too old for me and I'm not so sure about Dr. Warner. Who else is there?"

At that point, she thought about it. At first, she believed that David Haden would be a considerable option, but she tried so hard not to laugh. And since none of the others were female and have either a bad connection or none at all with her. She randomly came up with this:

"How about Fin? I'm pretty sure he's not seeing anyone and you two look kinda right. Kind of."

As soon as she said that, a bit of energy sparked up inside of Casey and surprisingly agreed, "Of course! Why haven't I thought of this before? It's not perfect, but it's not bad at all. Thank you, Alex! I need to remind myself to give you a favor later on."

"Hmm?" She pondered off, until this bulletproof idea came up, "How about you go to court and sub in for me?"

"I'm glad too! But I'm gonna go give Fin a visit instead!"

And just like that, she ran off without a trace.

* * *

_Baby Trouble_

It's not all fun and games in the SVU squad room, it's always very busy and very complicated. Sometimes. In the position of Captain Cragen, he was like the father of the detectives. Kept them in line, comforted them even though he doesn't want too and look upon the lives of the detectives and gave them reasonable time off if they crossed the line. He didn't want to fire them.

Spinning in his quite comfortable chair, with nothing to do. No current sexual cases at the moment. Until he got a call:

"Captain Cragen, SVU. - What? Are you sure? - Okay, I'll send two of my detectives out there now." He hung up the phones and walked out of his office to send his detectives to another one of the messed up cases that they handle on a daily basis.

"Benson, Amaro, we have a rape/homicide at..." Cragen was telling Nick and Olivia but he lost his train of thoughts when he saw something very unusual with the detectives.  _They were all toddlers._

"What the hell?" He murmured, looking at the fact that the entire squad are now children. The only adult person besides him was Alex who was only there to see if she had a case she could handle. And she was just as surprised as he was.

"I don't know what the hell happened here and I'm just as confused as you." Alex told him. Still wondering if this was a joke, little Olivia and the others ran up to Cragen while she proclaimed:

"Hey, it's Daddy Cragen!"

The little young ones, jump onto him with much excitement and all he could think was has he been drinking recently. Alex chuckled and walked straight out of the precinct and left him to deal with this mess. Interesting enough, there was a little twist to this.

With chuckles and snickering, it turns out that the detectives were not changed at all. On the contrary, Olivia whispered to Alex, "So how was it? Is he freaked out?"

"Oh yeah, he's very freaked out. How long do you guys expect this to go?"

They thought about it, when Rollins answers her, "About three, four hours. We'll surprise him after that."

"Good luck."

* * *

_Editorial_

**Olivia** \- "Welcome back. I hope you enjoyed the very first chapter of this story and if you didn't enjoy it, then we apologize for wasting your precious time. Other than that, I wanna ask you something. Originally, we didn't intend to ask you something like this but we'd thought it would be appropriate to say: The next chapter will include more of what we had here, including a bit where we change to opposite genders.

This is gonna be very easy. Suggest first names for the gender bent versions of us. First names is what you must change, the last names are fine. Any suggestions are fine as long as they match out actual names. That's all we ask and stay tuned for our next chapter coming soon. Or sooner. Goodbye."

**End of Chapter One**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

_Nutty!_

You may have thought these sex crimes don't get any weirder. But what separates this case from others is that this is a little tricky and a little odd. With Detectives Stabler and Benson arrive at the crime scene, the first person that they have the pleasure of seeing was Melinda Warner. And as always, she was there to explain how this person died.

However, this was not a woman that was killed or raped. In fact, this was a man. And that wasn't even weird to begin with.

"So what happened here?" Olivia asked her.

"The victim's body is covered in scratches, looks like he was fighting something. He has two bullet holes in his right temple and his chest, either one would have killed him." She explained. That's when she got to the weird part, "And there's also something else: The victim's jewels among other things were torn off. Not cut off. Torn off."

All Elliot could do was shake his head in disbelief as he inquired, "What kind of sick, sadist of a human would do such things to a guy?"

"Oh no no, this was no human." Melinda disagreed, "It was squirrels who did this. Found that out when CSU found a pack of squirrels holding the weapon and the other with his 'belongings'."

"Squirrels did this?" Olivia exclaimed, in which she nodded in response, "Damn it! This the ninth time this has happened already. Are squirrels getting more intelligent?"

"And we thought the previous victims were covering it up." Elliot added, "So what do we do? Arrest wild animals?"

The three stayed in silence for at least a moment or two until Olivia straight up walked away. This was too messed up for her to deal with a ninth time.

* * *

" _Friendly" Visit_

Even though she had work to do, Casey decided to leave work to pay someone a visit. The thing was, it was at the SVU squad room and it was kinda weird for her to show up unannounced like this. And the thing is she wasn't even there about the case.

As soon as she walked into the precinct, Olivia was the first person who noticed her. Thinking she had bad news about the case, she asked her this, "Casey, what's going on? Something happen?"

"Oh no. I'm not here for any of that." She briefly explained.

"So what are you doing here?"

She didn't bother to answer her and instead walked over to one of the desks. Which happens to belong to Fin. Her randomly walking around made this a little strange. She thought of asking her what she was doing but turned her attention somewhere else.

Looking around with her hands on his desk, Munch looked up and said, "Um... You should know that Fin's desk."

"I know." She replied, "So where is he?"

And ironically enough, Fin was sitting right behind her when he answered, "Right here." Casey was almost immediately alarmed with the fact that he was right behind her so she couldn't really drum up a lot of words. Several moments of eye contact, Munch barked out:

"Enough with the eye sex you two, there are people present."

Finally, Casey managed to say something, "Erm...hey. I was just looking for you. I thought you'd be here."

"What do you want?"

"I came to visit you, silly. You know I almost never get a chance to spend time with you, even at work."

"What about me?"

"Shut up, Munch." Casey responded while she began touching him with her finger, "But anyways, I thought that after work we could head over to the bar, have a drink or two. See how the night takes us."

"I wish I can, but the captain has us working overtime tonight." Fin told her.

Munch was unaware that he was lying so he said, "No he isn't."

"Shut up, Munch."

"Well consider my offer. Bye." She walked away, then looked back at him. He had no idea why she was acting like that and he had no intention of knowing. But Munch knew exactly what that was and he started to stare at Fin and start to chuckle.

"The hell are you laughing about?"

"I think a certain someone has a crush on you." He teased him. He should have known him well enough that he does not like that.

"I'd ask you to bite me but I'm afraid that I'll be as old as you."

* * *

_Hello?_

It may not be anything, it may not even be worth wondering but something crossed the mind of Dr. George Huang. That was the fact that people mostly ignore him. It was ridiculous, but he noticed that until he talked, then people knew that he was there. Other than that, he was ghost to these people.

Sometimes, people actually know that he's there. Even if he hasn't said anything yet. He walked around in his office, trying to figure this out. He even moved to Oklahoma and people barely know that he's there, in fact, he almost lost his office because they forgot.

George wanted an explanation from someone,  _until it hit him_. Since this was such a interesting trait, he believed that he could actually use it to his advantage. Not in the fashion of crime, but more along the fashion of spying on people.  _He's done it before_. Perhaps he could help in certain cases; he didn't have to hide. He just had to stand there in broad daylight and people wouldn't know that he's there.

And he had the perfect test for this. "New York Giants locker room. Here I come!"

* * *

_***We again interrupt this story for a special public service announcement***_

**Olivia** \- "Hi, I'm Olivia Benson. Obviously. So today, I want to address a rising topic that many people have noticed. It's about the sudden hatred for Kathy Stabler and Dani Beck. Now before you go on, I'd like to say this. Even if Kathy wasn't Elliot's wife and Dani did not kiss him;  _Waited years for him to kiss me._ There's no reason to show hatred for them. Kathy is a good woman and Dani is a acceptable detective. I'll let you decide.

But if still hate them, at least portray them in the way the show did. You don't have to kill off Kathy or Dani to justify me and Elliot together, it's better if we all get along. If not, then I am very disappointed in you people.

That's all I need to say about the subject. So go to, anticharacterhate. com for more info. Thank you."

_***Back to the story***_

* * *

_EX: Part 2_

Another day inside the precinct, another day that's full of boring hours on the job and another day full of the same old shit. The detectives spent the time doing whatever they could. Munch looked up the usual conspiracy sites he usually goes too, Fin slept on his desk, Elliot played with anything that in his sight and Olivia did nothing but mess with a pencil.

Then, Elliot got an idea. It was more of something that he did previously. And he wondered how it would work at work.

"Hey, Liv. Do you want a cup of coffee, in case we need to head out?" He asked her.-

"What the hell. I'll get it."

He didn't want to go out so quick so he insisted, "No, allow me to do it."

"Sure. Go ahead."

With everything back on the tracks, Elliot poured her a cup of coffee and added one shot of the same thing that made her trip the last time, ecstasy. Stirring it up, there was nothing better than Olivia acting like a fool in order to make things more alive.

"Here you go. Make sure you down it all, Liv. You need to energy."

"Alright." She did exactly what he said, as she gulped it down. She needed to energy. But it wasn't gonna come from the coffee. Elliot started snickering, loud enough to catch Munch's attention.

"What did you do?" He asked him.

"You'll see in about a few minutes." Elliot whispered, not trying to blow it.

 _Much later_ , the entire precinct came alive when Olivia spiked things up in there. In the last several minutes, she has been singing and dancing to  _U Can't Touch This_  since it kicked it. Turns out that ecstasy has a alternate effect on her. And Elliot and the others were laughing their asses off.

* * *

_Where Is He?_

The people who work with Munch don't know much about his past romances. And to be honest, they probably shouldn't know. What is known is that Munch has been married... four times. While one of them is possibly in New York, that's probably the only ex-wife that close to him.

In the case of Munch, he was soon off to join Fin and Rollins in trying to obtain information for a investigation. But before either could even get out there, Munch and the others heard the screams of a woman coming towards the office. At first, they thought it was Nick's wife but Munch knew that voice from anywhere.

"John! Where are you?"

"Who the hell is that?" Olivia wondered.

"Dear god, it's my ex-wife." Munch responded with lots of disbelief; so he hid in under his desk, "If she asks for me, tell her I'm not here, or dead."

And right as he hides, a woman around his age walks in the room. Looking around, Olivia walked over and asked, "Is there something I can do for you?"

"Do you know where my ex-husband is?"

"Um, no. I don't."

"Then get out of my way, bitch." She said back at her, walking away to find him. She looked around for him and when he saw that she was looking under desks, he had to make his escape. He thought he had the right timing but right as he dashed as fast as he possibly can, she quickly caught sight of him.

"John Munch, you get back her this instant!"

"Leave me alone!" He pleaded as she chased after him. The others literally had no clue of what just happened, and were unsure if they should go after them or just ignore it.

"Just when we knew the man, we learn more. But that was like the time Nick's wife came up in here and started things." Fin said as a matter of fact.

"How would you feel if your wife came at work and did the same?" He inquired but he walked away without an answer. He didn't care even if he decided to answer him.

* * *

_Behind The Scenes_

**Elliot**  - "Hey. If you're enjoying the series so far, then you're either drunk, high or stupid. If you are sober, not high or stupid and you're enjoying it so far, then that's a good thing. If you still don't like the series, then I'll come to your house and make you like it.

Anyways, before we go, I wanna share some things that we do when we aren't working on certain cases. Individually."

\- Olivia: Does almost nothing.

\- Munch: We all know what he does...

\- Fin: I honestly don't wanna know.

\- Alex: One time, I discovered that she collects stuffed animals. Pretty cute.

\- Casey: She does this, she does that. Can't really keep up with her.

\- George: For some reason, I imagine him doing strange things after work.

\- Melinda: Also don't know what she does when she's off work.

"Huh? Turns out I don't know much about them out of work. Except for the fact that we drink, other than that, that's about it. Oh well, see you next time.

* * *

**End of Chapter Two**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

_*****We interrupt the beginning of this story to bring you an important message***** _

*insert cliché bit with flowers and lots of misleading stuff*

 **Elliot**  - "Hello, SVU fans. It's so great to see such wonderful people. You guys are so wonderful I want to hug everyone of you." *snaps back into reality* "I'm just kidding! But you guys are wonderful... kind of. Anyways, I would like to talk about a certain issue that some may not mind but it's not good...

I'm talking about the rape stories regarding any female member. For example: Olivia gets... god I can't put those words together. And she gets pregnant afterward with god knows how many kids that's in her and turns to me for comfort. And there's some sappy things here and there and yeah...

Now I know that the show is about rape and sexual offenses, but to be honest if you're gonna do that, then think of a original character. I can't think of any of the ladies on this show dealing with something like that, especially not Olivia and I hope she doesn't come close to it."

*Munch walks in the room *

 **Munch**  - "Um, Elliot? I think she was close to it one time. I remember Fin telling me or what it Olivia?"

 **Elliot** \- *leaps out of his chair* "What? Who? When? I'll kill him!"

 **Munch**  - "I think it happened when she was undercover in that prison."

*silence*

 **Elliot**  - "Excuse me. I must destroy the bastard without leaving a trace of him left. Goodbye."

_*****We now begin the story***** _

* * *

_Meanwhile, at the DA's office..._

It was one of those days where Alex and Casey had nothing to do, no cases for either of them and a lot of free time on their hands. And even though they still had to go to work, knowing full well they had no work they need to get done, it looked as though the two of them planned to waste the free time on their hands by catching up on many things.

In Alex's office, she was at her desk going through the mail she has received over the course of the last few months.

"Death threat. Death threat. Oh goodie, another death threat." She mumbled over and over to herself, "Is this a bill? Nope, another death threat."

While she went on with her business, Casey came in her office to pay her a visit. "Hey, Alex. You busy?" She asked her.

"Nope. Just sorting out all my mail that was sent here."

"What kind of mail have you received so far?"

"Well so far, I've received death threats from people I've convicted, death threats from family members of the people I've convicted and the rest is nothing."

Casey was not really appalled by the number of threats Alex has gotten, in fact she would explain, "Well don't worry about it. I get the same amount of threats each month. Most of them either coming from my mother or the defense attorneys that I beat."

"Well. I'm sick of this. Since we have nothing to do, do you want to throw rocks at cars?"

"As much as I want too, we can't. We can't really leave the building right now."

Alex started thinking; amazing how her mind could develop so many ideas, until it came to her. She knew exactly what to do. "Casey, do you have that little car?"

"Yes. Why?"

No more than several minutes later, the peaceful hallways with many attorneys walking by would become very dangerous to say the least. And by that, it meant Alex with nothing but her underwear on and Casey driving a mini car while Alex fired two machine guns in her hands at the same time.

Everybody wanted to know what the hell these two here doing. And while her fingers were still in the trigger, Alex yelled out, "You bitches better duck and cover because we are about to  **fuck shit up!** "

It was made painfully clear that neither Alex or Casey would have a job when this is over.

* * *

_EX: Part 3_

For some reason, Olivia has been feeling very weird lately and she decided to go to the doctor. At first, she thought she was pregnant but she sort of doubted it since she hasn't had relations in anyone for... years. But she did know something is up with her and that's why she need to find out.

After what seemed like hours of waiting for the doctor to come back, he came in with a folder and said, "Okay, Ms. Benson. I'm back."

"Can you tell me what's wrong?" Olivia asked the doctor.

"Certainly." He replied and went to the point, "Have you ever taken ecstasy before?"

"No. I never use drugs. Well... except on occasion when I need something to get through my job but nothing else. Why?"

"Because you have traces of the drug in your system. I know you didn't take the drug alone, something like a drink or some beverage."

She got very confused at this point. She's never used ecstasy and has never thought of it. "That's impossible. I've never even touched a pill of ecstasy."

"Well it doesn't lie. What was the most recent thing you had to drink? Because it turns out that your last use was recent."

"Hmm... I had a cup of coffee that my partner gave me yesterday. Other than that, I've only had water." She explained. That's when it got strange, "Wait a minute. I think I know what's going on here..." She rushed out of the office, way past the doctor. Her speeding off made him confused and wondered what the hell is going on.

Meanwhile, back at the precinct, Elliot and the other were all at their desks, doing their jobs. They knew full well that Olivia hasn't been to work today and whatever was going on, they'd rather not know. They didn't wanna think that she was dead. But the whole precinct was caught by surprise when Olivia stormed in, pissed as shit and had eyes lurking for Elliot.

"You!" She pointed toward Elliot's way and walked straight towards him, "Can you explain why my doctor told me I've recently took ecstasy?"

"Probably someone looking to make a quick buck?"

"Funny you say that because I've been blacking out recently to find weird stuff on me. Now you better tell me what have you been doing to me?"

Not even moving his head towards the screen, Munch would explain, "He's been spiking some of your drinks with that drug."

"What?"

"Shut up!" Elliot yelled his way, "Now, Liv. It's not what it seems."

"What? Tell me why?"

"Because I did it to make you more fun. You are very funny when you are on drugs."

"He's right, Liv." Fin would add to the conversation, "Most of the times, you're a bitch. No offense, but isn't bad to have loosen up."

"That's not why I'm mad. It's the fact you guys drug me to do god knows what."

With Olivia pretty pissed off and Elliot, Munch and Fin not looking like they really care, Cragen hears the yelling of Olivia and even Elliot a moment ago.

"What the hell is going on here? Why aren't you guys working?"

"Captain, these sons of bitches have been drugging me."

"Drugging you? What does she mean?" Cragen asked Elliot.

"Remember the time when Liv was super energetic yesterday?"

"Yeah?"

"I put ecstasy in her coffee to hand her a boost."

After hearing Elliot openly admit to doing so, the first thing on his mind was suspending him because this was completely out of character for Elliot. Taking one good breath, he kept thinking of what to do. Well, he would open his mouth and tell him:

"I guess that makes all of us who fucks with her."

"What?" The four said in unison. They all were a little confused right now.

"Yeah, now while we're confessing to things. Whenever Liv sleeps on her desk, I like to draw on her face."

"That's explains why I kept being laughed at when we were interrogating that suspect."

"I'll think of a punishment for Elliot later, as well as a punishment for you being late. Now everyone back to work!"

They all complied with his order and went back to their respective business. Olivia however, would start glaring at Elliot from this point on.

* * *

_Bad Dreams_

For the past few days, both Munch and Fin have been having trouble getting any sleep. Not at work, not at home, not even under a car. In fact it hasn't been a few days, it's been more like a week. Normally, this is sometime caused by the workload they have or anything relating to a case. But that wasn't why they haven't gotten sleep.

Watching Munch unable to keep his head up and Fin not wanting to close his eyes. Cragen walked up to them and asked, "What's wrong with you two? Is this kidnapping case getting to you already?"

"No. Neither of us has had any sleep recently." Munch told the captain, "I found this very awesome myth and I've been up for days trying to find out the truth of this myth."

"I can tell."

"As for Fin, I'm not sure why he's tired. Maybe he's actually working."

"Alright. Fin, what's wrong with you?" Cragen asked him next.

"You'll find it very weird, captain. You'd rather not hear it."

"Explain."

"Alright it goes a little like this..."

_-Flashback-_

_Back at his apartment, he was sleeping like any other day. But tonight was much different because he felt as though someone was in the room with him. For at least a half hour, he stared at his ceiling until he eventually went back to sleep. The he heard a footstep but it wasn't coming towards, it was like someone put their foot down._

_With his eyes still closed he turned to the other side, that's when saw a little glance of some woman sitting in a chair with nothing but a shotgun in one hand and a glass of red wine in the other. He tried to get a closer look and noticed how she had red hair. But he knew that red hair from anywhere. It was Casey Novak. Or at least he thought._

_He didn't want to know how it was possible she even got into his home, so he treated it as a hallucination and closed his eyes and went back to bed. But after a minute or so, Fin turned over and saw Casey in his bed, staring at him with the gun still in her hand._

" _Just go back to sleep..." She whispered, "You'll live another day if you do." He didn't know if he should leap out of the bed, or throw her out of the bed._

_-End flashback-_

Hearing that very strange story, Cragen and Munch started laughing at him. The fact that anything remotely close to that happening to him was very amusing to them and it was obvious to him that they wouldn't believe such a story like that. Even if it was true.

"Okay, Fin. I understand." Cragen kept laughing, "In fact, I remember the time I woke up to Elliot in my bathtub."

"Asses."

* * *

_Nature_

Running into the SVU precinct with loads of excitement, was Amanda Rollins with something very exciting to show her co-workers. Sliding in the office with a box in her hand and walked the rest of the way. They were not sure if she was happy about donuts or whatever it was about. They didn't know much about her to begin with.

"You guys. You won't believe this!"

"What?" Olivia asked, "Did you get the donuts?"

"Better."

"What would that be, our little sunshine?" Munch also asked.

She set the box down on her desk and opened it, pulling out a cute little white rabbit to show everyone. "It's a cute little bunny rabbit. I got him at Petco."

"So instead of getting donuts, you get a pet?"

"Oh I got those, but I ended up at Petco and I found this little buddy. And the thing is, they didn't even charge me a thing. I got him for free. So on the way here, we ate donuts."

They didn't know if they should hit her or whatever but this was too stupid, even for her.

"So we have learned we should trust you to do one simple task, but at least you got a cute little rabbit." Olivia summarized, "Good job."

"Yeah right. Hey guys, can you help me get something from outside. I couldn't fit it in the door."

They all got up to help Rollins get something inside the precinct, except for Olivia who didn't even wanna look at the stupid thing that she managed to get as well. So she just sat in her chair, with nothing to do but look at this little thing that they call a rabbit.

She got bored eventually so she went to the box to take a look at the rabbit. Olivia looked down and was close to succumb to it's cuteness. Until this happened.

"You will bow down to me." She looked around to see who said that, then looked down at the rabbit.

"Did y- did you just say something?"

"You will serve me servant."

Things got a little suspicious as Olivia looked around, on the rabbit and the whole place if there was some sort of wire. It wasn't long until she saw the rabbit floating in mid-air, and that's when it was time for Olivia to start freaking out. The first thought in her head was 'What the hell?', but if you saw a rabbit floating in mid-air, you'd be creeped out too.

"Okay, I don't know what's going on-" She said until she was clocked by a chair that rose up in the air. Trying to get up, she tried to comprehend this as calmly as possible, "Okay... that was a mere coincidence"

"You will feel my wrath!" And that's when the rabbit started grabbing anything at sight and began chucking them randomly all over the place; sometimes at Olivia. She tried to dodge them as fast as possible, that's until the rabbit got hold of her and tossed her all over the place.

It got worse for her as it would begin to choke her with a telephone cord; she began to lose breath and near passing out or death. However, when Rollins and the others came back, the rabbit stopped and Olivia was free. She started gasping for breath, with the cord still wrapped around her neck. But that wasn't the point because they all were wondering what happened to the place.

"Liv, what the hell happened?" Cragen asked her.

"Rabbit...tried to...kill me..."

"This rabbit?" He inquired, lifting up the pet, "Are you sure it tried to kill you or you tried to kill yourself?"

"Why would I kill myself with a telephone cord?"

"Probably some weird fetish of yours?" Rollins guessed.

Getting up on her feet, she quickly got the hell out of there but as she walked out of the precinct, the rabbit said only for her to hear, "Soon, you all will die."

"Okay so I think it's best to say that Liv is now on suicide watch?" Munch exclaimed... or something like that.

_To be continued..._

* * *

_After Censure_

Even though she had work to do, Casey has some other issues of her own. Well, they weren't really issues but more rather something about what she wanted to buy from some store. Bu the actual matter at hand was when Alex barged in her office with something she wanted to ask her...

"Casey, I need to talk to you."

"What is it now?" She replied, not taking her eyes away from her computer screen.

"I was looking through your file and I found out you were censured for three years. Can you explain what the hell happened?"

"Oh yeah. I know what you're talking about." She understood and began to explain, "It was some violation several years ago, it was because of some evidence that was never brought in in time. One thing led to another and I was facing censure."

"How bad was it?"

"Bad enough to have me suspended indefinitely. Any other questions ask Elliot or Olivia or somebody. About the time I returned, you were somewhere if I'm correct."

"Yeah, I was handling international cases." Alex briefly explained, "But what have you been doing those three years."

Casey started thinking about it, it took her a while but she did answer her, "Well I went home, cried for a few days. Stopped, sat on my ass for a few months. Gained a little weight, lost the weight. Then I started inventing things. I built robots, crazy devices, all that stuff. Then got bored with it, started watching movies for four days straight, wrote a story, forgot where I put it, spent a month in Canada, came home, got a tattoo, started drinking, then I began building more things, sold some of them. And lastly I got a call and was asked to go back to work."

"Damn. All that in three years?"

"Almost all of it. I also spent an additional year in a military program."

"So you spent three years doing all that stuff."

"That's right."

"I guess that explains it. But hey, I did my fair share of things when I was in witness protection."

* * *

_*****Before we leave, here's a special message***** _

_(Dani Beck walks in the room)_

**Dani**  - "Hey, remember me? Of course you do. I'd like to know about why you people hate me a lot? Was it because I replaced Olivia for a while? Was it because I kissed Elliot? Or do you guys hate me for no reason? Now I know I'm not the best detective, but I did well. I know some of you want to see Elliot and Olivia together but that really mean you guys should hate me?...

I know somebody out there likes me. So I'm saying this while I can, stop hating me! Try and at least find one thing about me that's likeable. And even if you don't, please don't make me a bitch in your stories. I'm not a bad person, or a bitch that needs to die. Kindly understand this and I hope you get the memo. Thank you very much."

* * *

**End of Chapter Three**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

_New Job_

Walking back inside with the mail, was Elliot as he simply sorted through the mail as if it wasn't interesting. He's been relaxed since retiring from SVU and has never been this great in his life. But it turns out, now that he's available, many others want first dibs on him. In fact, the mail in his hand and the mail over the last few months have been job offers.

Sitting back on the couch reading what they had in store, his wife Kathy walked in seeing her husband looking at the mail. "What do you have there, Elliot?"

"Nothing much, only job offers." He replied, nothing more.

"I thought you weren't gonna go back to work for a while? What about your job as a detective?"

"I've been retired for almost a year, Kathy. Why else am I here all the time?" He said as a matter of fact, "Besides some of these offers are very enticing."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I've gotten offers to work for the military, to become a U.S. Marshall, to work at other police departments elsewhere, like LA or something. And this offer to become a stripper. I really don't know what the hell I'm gonna chose."

For a moment, Kathy thought she misunderstood him when he said 'stripper' so she asked, "Why would you consider being a stripper of all things? I seriously don't think switching from detective to stripper is a good idea."

"Who said I was considering it?"

"You, Elliot."

"Oh that's right."

 _The hours following their little conversation_ , Kathy catches notice of Elliot in a suit and something very strange in his hand, walking out the door. Well into the evening.

"Where are you going, Elliot?" She asked him.

"Going to my new job as a vampire. See you in the morning." He answered him as he slammed the door behind him. Kathy didn't know how to react to this, in fact she couldn't even understand it either. But she sighed and shook her head, acting as if that didn't really happen.

* * *

_Very Weird_

Last night was very crazy for Fin, much more crazy than usual. He didn't know who to talk too, Munch wasn't really a good person to talk too, he wasn't sure if he should tell Melinda, or even George (even though he was a psychiatrist). So instead of turning to any of them, even the captain, he went to the only people that could possibly understand.

"Hey Elliot, Olivia? Can I talk to you guys for a second?"

"Sure." Olivia agreed, "What is it, Fin?"

"Well last night, was strange as hell. Not like Elliot dancing in the intersection in his underwear strange, but more what the hell just happened strange."

"There's nothing wrong with dancing in the intersection in your underwear." Elliot remarked.

"So what happened last night?"

_-Flashback-_

_Apparently, in Alex's apartment, she went over to answer the door because she was prepared to meet someone. And it was only Fin; and this didn't look so good._

" _What are you waiting for? Come on in."_

" _So I hear you want to talk about the case? If you want us to find more evidence, you could call."_

" _I'm sorry, but I brought you here on false pretenses." Alex told him; which made thing more suspicious._

" _Well why did you call me here?"_

_He was caught be surprise when Alex pushed him on the couch and sat down beside him. This made him very uncomfortable, like the time Munch talked about his sexual conquests. Oh wait, this didn't even top what that was. Seriously, it didn't. But it began to progress when she picked up a glass of what ever it was inside. It pretty much looked like white wine._

" _Now I brought you here because we don't get to spend a lot of time together."_

" _Is that even necessary?"_

" _Yep. Now sit back and taste this delicious wine I picked up the other day." She said, while trying to have him drink it, but he wouldn't budge. In fact, he didn't move at all to be honest. When he didn't drink any of it, she got a bit frisky, "Don't worry, we don't have to do anything that you don't want."_

_She had no problem saying that while she had her hand on his leg. He looked at her as if she was crazy, but it got more creepy when she leaped on top of him. In his head, this was completely messed up. And the only thing in front of him was Alex smirking at him._

" _What are you doing?" He inquired, but before he could say anything else, she placed her fingers on his lips and whispered:_

" _Shh. The calmer you are, the quicker this will be over."_

_-End flashback-_

After telling Elliot and Olivia about his weird moment with Alex of all people, they stood in silence for what seemed like a minute or two. And all of a sudden, they start laughing at him. He couldn't believe that they were actually laughing at him, and this was the second time in a week that he's shared a story and people have laughed at him.

"Alex? Our Alex? Came on to you?" Olivia laughed, taking breaths between each word.

"That's about as believable as Huang saying he's gay." Elliot also laughed, however... that was true.

"He is gay, remember?"

"Oh really? Damn how long has it been?"

"Few months ago."

Once again, it got silent in the place and it didn't take long for them to leave, chuckling at what he told them earlier as if it was merely a joke. He still couldn't believe that this keeps happening. And all of a sudden, he heard this weird voice come out from a distance.

"I told you that they wouldn't believe you..."

* * *

_Rock Out!_

Another one of those days where none of them had anything better to do. For Elliot, Olivia and Munch, they tried to find something to do with their time. While justice never had a day off, they usually did sometimes but today wasn't one of those time however.

And with the arrivals of Detective Tutuola and assistant DA Cabot, perhaps they could have some harmless fun with the "rookies" of the weird entourage that they call SVU. They waited until they got off work so they could tell them to to stay for a while. Even though Alex didn't have the time to be messing with them.

"Hey guys. We wanted to know if you two wanted to join us with something?" Olivia asked them, in such a suspicious tone.

"Sure. Whatever you say, sexy." Alex responded, looking down at her 'assets'.

"What?"

"Nothing. What is it do you guys wanna do?"

Within an hour later, Alex and Fin were face to face with music equipment that Elliot had in his possession. Neither of them couldn't believe how they managed to trick them so easily and after what seemed to be nearly a minute of silence and blank expressions, Fin opened up and said:

"What the hell is this?"

"I though we should start a band. You know the five of us." Elliot explained.

"Where did you even get all this equipment?"

"I don't know. I came down here and found it one day."

Also trying to keep them there, Munch came over and pleaded. Yep, "Come on you two. If we're gonna work together, then we should at least play music together."

"Alright fine. Got nothing else to do, might as well." Alex sighed. She and Fin dragged their feet over the the multiple equipment that was in front of them but there was one thing that wasn't really resolved.

"Wait a minute?" Olivia wondered, "What roles are we suppose to have?"

"Well my idea was that you do the lead vocals, Munch plays the keyboards, Fin plays bass, Alex plays drums and I play guitar."

"Quick question, Elliot?" Alex curiously inquired, "But do any of you know how to play these things? I mean of course Fin can play bass but the rest of you I'm more concerned about."

"We practice in our spare time." Olivia explained, "And of course Fin can play bass, he's black."

"What?" He exclaimed. They all agreed with that pretty stereotypical fact and he didn't want to bother telling them otherwise. After all that, they started practicing and rest assured, you wouldn't want to hear it even if you could.

* * *

_Gender-bent!SVU_

_**Imagine all the SVU characters with switched genders. And there you go...**_

* * *

_Obvious_

_How to make a good story with Elliot and Olivia?_

One: Always have a obvious plot to it.

Two: Always have some sort of rape occur (typically Olivia).

Three: Add a somber moment between Elliot and Olivia, bitches love that.

Four: Make Olivia pregnant, with like a million kids. Who knows? It's up to you!

Five: The baby daddy is never Elliot. Make it the rapist.

Six: To fully pair them up, kill Kathy or Dani. Hell both of you want.

Seven: Rarely use the other characters. It's all about them.

Eight: Add a unnecessary sex scene to the story. Adds tension.

Nine: Go crazy with the story. Who cares, amirite?

Ten: Make a "unpredictable" ending to the story, always angst.

Eleven: ?

Twelve: Profit!

If you follow these steps, them you'll be considered one of the best SVU fic writers in the history of forever, and ever!  _Results may vary. Don't get your hopes up._

* * *

_Fan Mail_

In some weird set in the middle of nowhere; at least that's what Elliot thought, he and Alex got themselves ready to do some unusual and/or unnecessary ploy without giving any notice to their coworkers and so so. Why did they decide to go in to a set in the middle of nowhere? Here's why.

"Welcome, you know who the hell I am so I'm just gonna cut the introduction short and just get on with it."

That's when Elliot wondered, "Hey, Alex? What exactly are we doing?"

"Glad that you asked. As you may know people send lots of fan-mail these days and finally I decide to answer them against your own will."

"That makes no sense."

"Doesn't have too. Let's move on..." She said, shuffling a bunch of papers in her hand, "Okay, Elliot. Do you mind giving me the questions?"

He looked around a bit dazed before he walked over and gave her the questions that she has to ask. "These will be good. I hope."

"Okay, first question is from 'better than before'. Hmm? Were you better at all, maybe?"

_Question: Do you carry a little dog in your purse like Elle Woods from Legally Blonde and do you watch that movie often?_

"Actually I don't own a dog. Let alone keep it in my purse." She answered, "I have too many important things in my purse. Like lipstick, my wallet, a gun- Okay I'll just stop before I say anything else. But interestingly enough, I WAS the inspiration for that movie. Not a lot of people know that; but I don't watch the movie a lot anyways."

"I saw that movie. You mean you're a snobby lawyer bitch?"

"Shut up." She scowled his way, "Okay next question..."

"Um, Alex. That was the only question we got."

"So that question was the only one people sent to us?"

"Seems like it."

When hearing this, Alex wanted to either throw something or walk out of the building. But she just said, "Okay, just cut film."

"Wait a minute," He told her, finding another submission, "Somebody else sent a bunch of questions."

"Really? Then I guess the show must go on then." She sighed in great relief. Who knew you could do that?, "Well this person is called Not So Normal. Need I have to ask?"

_Question: Have you and Olivia ever kissed?_

At that point, Alex felt a little conflicted in answering that question so she whimpered, "No, we haven't. But I wish we did..."

_Question: What would you want to do if you didn't have a career in law?_

"In full honesty, I would be a detective. Watching these guys do their jobs everyday, being there for the victims, shooting bad people, and that's not everything about it. So if I wasn't a ADA, I would be a detective. That or a pimp."

_Question: What do you REALLY think of Elliot?_

"If getting to look at his fine ass right now in those tight pants and large muscles how I think of him then yeah. That would be it."

Looking down at his pants, Elliot exclaimed, "My pants aren't THAT tight."

_Question: Do you want children?_

"Maybe. Next question."

_Question: Are you aware of how attractive you are?_

"You people think I'm attractive? Well, I guess you aren't the first to think so."

"Now who would that be again?" He smirked.

"Bite me."

_Question: If you could pick nicknames for all the guys, what would they be and why?_

"Hmm? I think that would be easy. First I would call Elliot 'unstable' because...well you know. And as for Cragen it would be 'chrome' since he's bald. Munch I would call, Munchies. And for Fin, I can't exactly figure out a nickname for him however. But George, let's just say it's not pleasant."

"Well the fact that he's a shrink, Asian and gay, what else did you expect?"

"True. True. Well, that's a wrap for this bit. We'll do this again soon, but next time won't involve me. You can still submit question at the end, and hopefully you guys will this time. Happy greetings and good night, or something."

* * *

_Bad Timing_

Have you ever wondered what it would be like if Olivia was on her "flow"? Of course you wouldn't. But this day was something else for the detectives, because while everyone was working, Olivia was late once again. This time proved to be the last time that she would do this. Now there was a few stages to this time of the month, they get more deadly as each stage goes. Well, not "deadly" but let's just say that you'll need lots of stitches when she's through with you.

_Stage One: Unusual crying._

While they had to handle a very brutal rape case, for some reason while everyone worked, Olivia sat at her desk crying. Walking to see how much progress in catching the bastard responsible, Cragen notices her sobbing on her desk, so at first he thought this was getting too much to her.

He looked down at her for a few moments until he finally asked her, "What are you doing?"

Answering in place of her, was Nick Amaro, her partner with..."She's been crying for... at least an hour now."

"Why are you crying?"

Breathing heavily between her words, she said, "I...broke...a nail." And she kept crying even harder. Both of them looked at her as if she was either stupid or she was literally crying about a nail. It soon got very awkward for all of them so to avoid things being more awkward as it was, Cragen walked away slowly then ran right back to his office and locked the door.

_Stage Two: Abnormal cravings._

One day, still at the precinct, while Fin was heading back to his desk to pick something up he notices Olivia with barbeque sauce and planks of wood on her desk. He normally didn't bother when it came to this kind of thing, but due to the fact that she is surrounded by rib bones, chicken bones, chocolate wrappers, pizza boxes, empty bottles of beer, empty bags of food in general and toothpaste for some reason, he had to figure something out.

Because clearly, she wasn't brushing her teeth with that stuff. And the strangest part is, she gained NO weight whatsoever. At some point in her eating bender, she once stabbed Munch in the hand with a fork, when he leaned for some of her grub; he didn't panic or even worry knowing that there was a fork in his hand, so he pulled it out of her desk and went along with his business.

Anyways, moving on... "What the hell are you doing?"

"What does it look like I'm doing?"

Noticing that she's pouring barbeque sauce on wood, he exclaimed, "You are not about eat wood right now, are you?"

"Watch me." And from then, all Fin could do was watch Olivia bite down on that plank, in an attempt to actually eat it. Worst of all, she was actually managing to bite into it and rip off a huge chunk off, chewing into tiny bits. Fin wasn't sure if her jaw was made out of metal or she was  _THAT_  hungry.

"No matter how hard I try, I still will never understand white people." He sighed. All he could do was walk off.

_Stage Three: Uncontrollable Rage_

This was the worst of them all, because while she was also known for her tough attitude, she was a force to be reckoned with in her "period" stage. Frankly, nobody could either tolerate, handle or even be near Olivia when she angry. And as in angry, let's just say that she's Elliot's kind of angry... times ten.

There were many ways she expressed her anger. Well, not many only two at best. But those two were different in many ways. The first one was how she showed herself at work and how she handled herself when around a possible suspect. Example:

When catching word of something that went on during questioning, Cragen looked for answers no matter where they came from. So the first person he went to was Olivia. The results weren't pretty.

"Liv!" He yelled towards her.

"What?" She replied... but with a deep, dark and evil tone in her voice as she said that.

At that exact moment, Cragen panicked and tried to improvise his way out, "No, no, no, nothing. I was just seeing where you were. That's all, go back to work." He wished that never happen again.

Now the other side was much much worse, when she and Amaro went to question a possible suspect at a apartment building in Brooklyn she was fully prepared to bust some ass right then and there. When they actually got there, she stomped her way to the apartment room and they managed to find the place. Or so they thought.

"Um, Liv? Are you sure about this?"

"Someone must give that little girl some justice. And he's about to get a taste of jack!" She answered him, slamming her fist in the palm of her hand. He knocked on the door, and in some moments a woman opened the door, and that's when she stormed in there.

"You! Get up!" She yelled at the man sitting in the couch.

"Who the hell are you?"

"I'm a cop and you better tell me why you raped that girl?"

He got out of the couch and defended himself, "I did not rape anybody. Girl, you are crazy."

Then at that moment, she started chuckling under her breath... until she snapped, "I'll show you crazy!" That's when she picked up a lamp and threw it against the wall; meanwhile, while he kept his wife out of the way, Amaro noticed the sign on the door and then the address he and Liv got. The number on the door was 431, the number on the address was actually 413. Which meant that they were far off.

While he noticed the apparent mix up, Olivia still proceeded to tear up the apartment and threw things at the man, whist yelling at him. "I did nothing. Do you understand me?"

"I'll shoot you in your lying fucking face if you don't tell me the truth!" She yelled again, this time throwing the couch at him. When Amaro tried to keep her from doing more insane things, the guy ran out of the building in order to avoid being killed.

"Somebody help me!"

"Don't you run from me, bitch."

Olivia proceeded to chase after him, while Amaro then mumbled under his breath, "Wrong apartment. Damn it."

Much later, all he could do was watch as Olivia effortlessly chased after a innocent man. He still stood his innocence and still cried for help, "This bitch is crazy! I didn't do nothing! I didn't do nothing!"

End result, she somehow managed to keep her job. Let along stayed out of jail for what she did.

* * *

_The Power of Wigs_

Like everyone, Olivia and Amanda were working just like everybody else. Though one day, while sorting through multiple papers which they considered never ending torture, Cragen came out of his office and decided to call them over.

"Liv, Rollins, could you two come in my office for a minute?"

A little curious, she asked Olivia, "What could the captain want?"

"Beats me. Come on, Mandy." She replied, but Amanda was a little struck when she heard her.

"What did you call me?"

"I called you Mandy. Something wrong with that name?"

"No it's just... no one's ever called me that before."

"Well come on then."

"Okay." She murmured, while in her head, she was letting out many fan girl-level squeals. She was clearly happy. Anyways, they went into his office and tried to figure out what their captain wanted. But he got the point before they even asked.

"Do you two think I'm bald?"

In her best attempt to try to make him feel good, Olivia answered, "Noooooo. You're not bald, captain. You look wonderful."

Amanda didn't really know what she was doing, which was why she rebutted, "Oh yes, you are very bald, captain. What Liv is telling you is a lie, you're bald."

"That's what I thought. Thanks, Rollins for being honest. But still, it sucks that don't have any left on my head."

"Well if it'll make you feel better, we'll all go bald so you don't feel left out."

"Oh no," Olivia quickly disagreed, "The farthest I'll go is butch, bald is unacceptable."

"Girls, I appreciate the offer but I'd rather not see Munch with no hair, he a sad, sad joke as he is. But what do you two consider?"

And in a instant (sort of), the three were right outside a shop that just happens to sell wigs. Cragen wanted to know what the hell is going on and why they dragged him to a freaking wig shop of all places.

"Why are we here?"

"Well," Olivia began explaining, "Since hair products are basically useless and we can't make wigs ourselves, this was our only option."

"Are you sure any of the wigs in place is any good for me?"

"Sure of it. We found the place when we did this drug bust."

"We don't do narcotics."

"We worked with them in this one case." She said, "Any who, we are here to help you, so let me and Mandy help you."

_*Amanda starts squealing inside her head again, she felt very happy inside when she did it again*_

"Okay then. Come on, Liv. Come on, Mandy."

_*She is displeased when she heard Cragen call her that.*_

They walked into the store and were almost immediately greeted by an employer that worked there. Everybody that used to work there are likely in prison. "So what you I like to do for you three?"

"Oh, our captain needs a wig." Amanda told her, "What's the best you got?"

"Let's see."

For the next half hour, Cragen tired multiple wigs with different styles. One was a mohawk wig, which the two laughed at, they also laughed at a bowl cut wig, a long haired one and the list went on and on. There were some wigs that they thought looked good on him, but he didn't like them. And there was some wigs that he liked but they thought would look ridiculous on him. With now an hour passed, it seems as though he finally found a wig he might like.

"Hey, how about this?" He asked them, this time he was wearing a afro.

"Really?" Olivia exclaimed, but she was tired so, "Might as well. Let's go."

When Cragen purchased the one he wanted, the question was how would others react to it. So that's why Amanda asked, "Are we really gonna let the captain go out into the streets with a wig like that?"

"Hell no." Olivia replied, "We'll let him wear it at home or maybe at the precinct but we are not letting him go out with that."

"I guess you're right. For once." All they could do was avoid being with him if he did.

* * *

**End of Chapter Four**

**Note: Please note that for anyone who ships Elliot and Olivia, I only did that as a parody. No offense to any writers but hey, don't feel bad, just laugh. I'll parody any pairing if I want too, or unless someone asks. If you ask on some agenda against it, then I won't do it.**


	5. Chapter 5

_I Need Help (entire chapter)_

Inside the precinct was nothing more than the fine detectives working for the NYPD. Like always, they were deep in a investigation that was less gruesome than usual; given how things have been insane so far. Even though most of them were working, like always Olivia had other things to do with her time; so did Munch but who cared? Anyways... the truth was she literally had nothing to do so she just sat at her desk, trying to pick up a pencil with her mind. The poor woman tried for hours, with no effect.

Then for some strange reason, Alex walked into the precinct even though they haven't even told her anything, nor did they make an arrest so she had no business coming there. But this was what made things very weird: She looked around like she was in a hurry, she kept taping her foot on the ground as if she was about to have a breakdown and most of all, she let out these strange whimpers and noises; it wasn't sure if she was crazy or anything but it was odd because she's never like this.

Walking into the office as usual and noticing Alex randomly searching around, Cragen went over and asked, "Is there something I can do for you, Alex?"

"Nothing. Where's Fin?" She asked desperately.

"Why do you want him?"

"Just bring him here, I need to talk to him." She told him, as she was either in a hurry or this was serious.

Though he did happen to walk in the room when he heard all the noise; and asked her, "Yeah? Something I can do for you?"

Not in a mood to answer him in front of everyone, she grabbed him by his arm and told him, "Not here. Let's go somewhere private."

Although he had no idea of what was going on, Fin didn't hesitate to come along with her. He tried to pry her hand off of him, but she had a surprising grip. The other detectives didn't really mind at all, Munch didn't feel like finding out but for Cragen and Olivia, they were a little confused.

"Hmm? What the hell is so important that she has to tell Fin and not me?" She pouted, "I'll be right back."

As Olivia proceeded to follow them, Cragen knew full well that she was about to eavesdrop on their conversation that was why he slowly followed her. Meanwhile, Alex managed to drag Fin in one of the interrogation rooms so they could have a private conversation. Even though it was a known fact that anyone on the other side could easily hear them.

"Alright, Alex. You dragged me from work, what do you want?"

"Fin, can you keep a secret?" She asked, plain and simple. Now while they began to speak, Olivia walked slowly to the room that they were chatting in and slowly turned up the speaker to the inside.

"Sure I can keep a secret?" He replied, "So what do you want to tell me?"

As she was listening to the conversation, Cragen walked behind her and coughed to get her attention; it did work and it scared the hell out of her; so she quickly turned off the speaker and awkwardly greeted, "Oh here there, captain. Did know that you were there?"

All he did was look at her with only a blank expression and this made her uneasy, and that made her say, "What? I was just looking for the bathroom."

"The same bathroom which is far from here and you just happened to look in the same direction of where they were going?"

"Yes..."

"Get back to work, Liv!" He ordered. Olivia ran as fast as she could back to her desk, falling in the process. She would pout and crawl her way back, fully embarrassed. Anyways, back in the interrogation room, Alex circled around the place, with no answer whatsoever.

"Alex, you've been walking in a circle for about... three minutes. What the hell do you want?"

She stopped, sighed and finally told him, "Fin, I have a problem. I don't know where to turn."

"Oh god." He groaned, "What wrong?"

"I have a crush on Casey! There that's it!" She unhappily admitted. This was a little too strange for him to either comprehend or understand at that.

"You have a crush on Casey? Why are you even telling me this?"

"Because like I said, I don't know where to turn. There's no way I tell Elliot or Olivia, I can't tell the new guys because I don't trust them. I can't tell George because I'm afraid he'll tell, I can't even go to Munch for help because he might laugh and tell everyone."

"And... why is telling me any better?"

"Because, you're the only person who could possibly understand. I mean, you have a gay son so I guess you know what I'm dealing with."

"So go to him for help, I give you his number."

When he tried to reach in his wallet to hand her his number, she had a different thing in mind, "I don't need to support it. I need you to help me break from this."

"What?" He exclaimed, "Do you know how homophobic that sounded?"

"It's not like that. I've always had a crush on Olivia; having a crush on Casey would feel like betrayal."

"That makes no sense."

"Whatever. Could you please help me? Not here but later tonight." Alex proposed, "I'll make it worth your while."

As much as he didn't want too, Fin would suck it up and tell her, "Fine. I'll keep your secret and help you. This better be worth my time."

"Don't worry, it will. Believe me. Meet me at the bar later and I'll give you details."

Walking away, now in a happy mood but not before she gave Fin a hug; even though he didn't want to among other things, Olivia managed to sneak away and hear the last bits of the conversation. Although she didn't care about certain parts in the conversation, she misinterpreted it in a very strange way. When she sneaked back to her desk, she was eager to get to the bottom of this.

_The following evening..._

Now at one of their most usual spots, Alex waited for what seemed like hours for Fin to actually arrive. Perhaps she didn't remember that most of the detectives had work to do, especially him. Olivia knew which bar that they were heading too and she brought a (not so) clever disguise to come in handy. Eventually, he did manage to arrive just not when she expected.

After sitting down next to her, he said in some blunt tone, "Okay, I'm here. Now tell me about this thing you have with Casey?"

"It's complicated, Fin. For nearly a year, I've always seen Casey as a friend." She explained, "A kind of friend that will kill for you, do crazy things together, plant bombs in gopher holes, that kinda stuff; but lately I've been feeling this strange affection and arousal, none of these I've felt since I met Liv or the time I watched Spider Man."

"That's unusual."

"Don't judge me. Anyways, I can't possibly have feelings for another woman who isn't Olivia. I just can't."

He had no idea how to react to this, perhaps his ability to tolerate people like her was great. Meanwhile, Olivia was a few tables in the back with a very idiotic disguise; in fact, it was merely her wearing a fake mustache. You would've thought she'd plan this a lot better.

"Okay, so what triggered these feelings?" He asked her. All he wanted was for her to get it over with.

It took her a while to finally answer him, so she told him in the best way she could, "It happened when we were at the batting cages. She wanted to go back for old times, I simply wanted to get the hell out of work; I didn't know what I was doing, I'm never that active in sports. Watching her slug every ball that came her way was like magic. So she saw that I wasn't doing so well, so she came over to help me. She came up behind me, helped me hold the bat properly, told me to relax and then, it happened. I was able to hit a ball like her."

"So... did anymore come after that?" He inquired.

"No, but I wish there was." Alex whimpered, planting face first on the table; with Fin swiping her glasses for her, "Thanks. At least you're helping me so far."

"Now what this seems like is you need to find a way to get past these feelings about her. Try to get your mind off of her."

"But it's hard, given how we work together."

Clearly this was not going so well for either of them, so he said to her at the top of his head, "Well perhaps you need to confront her and tell you how you feel. Just go up to her and at least see how he feels. Anything for you to leave me alone."

"I guess you're right. Thanks a lot." She agreed, also thanking him with a hug; still doesn't like it. Then all of a sudden, Fin noticed what looked like Olivia, only with a mustache. This was no coincidence in anybody's eyes.

"Hey Alex, is that Liv over there?" He asked her. Alex turned around to see what he was talking about and fast enough she knew plain and simple that it was her; she could recognize that face from anywhere.

"Yeah, you're right." They walked over to the table she 'hid' in and they were face to face, "Why hello, Liv. Need I have to ask about that mustache you have on your face?"

"Oh well, you know... stuff..." She babbled on, 'til she ran off.

It wasn't so hard to comprehend her reason for being there so it didn't concern them. But as they left, Fin offered her a ride back home if she needed one. She clearly did; but another second with Alex was gonna make his head explode. Then he thought to himself, since he's dealt with Munch all these years, this wasn't really different.

While he drove her home, Alex reached in her jacket and stuck something inside her mouth. Fin happened to catch a glance of her popping things in her mouth and that what led him to ask, "What the hell are you doing?"

"Acid."

"What? Why are you taking acid?"

"The same reason celebrities take prescription pills. No reason at all."

"So you are randomly taking acid?"

"Sure. How else do I get through the rest of the night?"

_-Later that evening...-_

Instead of going home early, she asked Fin to drop her off back at work so she can openly express herself to Casey once and for all. She couldn't find her in her office, she wasn't in court, she was nowhere to be found. After what seemed like hours of searching, Alex was convinced that she had already left but she heard some laughing and a giggle or two. There was no doubt that it was Casey.

She eagerly wanted to speak to her, but was more intrigued by the conversation she was having with one of her buddies. Into the conversation the woman asked her, "So, I heard you are into someone. Who is it? It's okay if you don't want to tell me..."

"Well I'll give you a hint. Very close, someone I'd love in my bed. I'm not making a lot of sense, aren't I?"

"No you aren't."

"Well I'll tell you." Casey began to reveal, while Alex was casually eavesdropping, "His name is Fin! I don't know but I never thought of him as a romantic interest, but he's grown onto me."

"Oh, good for you."

When she heard his name, she was heart broken. The whole time she went to him for help but to her, it was like Fin was setting her up only to have her heart crushed. Alex slowly closed the door and stomped down the hallway, with nothing else but to plot revenge. She should have seen this coming however...

_-The following day...-_

For some strange reason, Fin has had the strangest morning; he thought the first couple times were coincidences but if a tire iron is randomly thrown at you, then something isn't right. Feeling lucky after getting past a pack of bulls with no cuts or scratches, he made it to his desk. But the thing was, he caught some suspicious when he noticed that the other detectives and even Cragen were waiting for him, more surprised then he has this whole morning.

Likewise, Munch was the first person to greet him, "Damn, Fin. Who did you piss off?"

"What are you talking about, Munch?"

"I guess this would be an acceptable answer." Cragen answered him instead, with everyone showing him what happened to his desk. And frankly, it was nothing but wood chips now, "Now could you explain what the hell happened here?"

"I can't even answer you, captain. My morning has been screwed up. When I went to get coffee, some voodoo witch tried to hit me with his cane, on my way here someone threw a tire iron at my window and that didn't compare to the pack of bulls who tried to trample me."

"Sounds like my Sunday afternoons." Olivia laughed. But this was no joke; "But who would hate you this much to something like this?"

"Well we have security cams everywhere." Munch told them. The reason that they had cams was ever since the shooting that happened months ago, they installed cams in the hallways to see who comes in and out. Wasn't a good security measure but it was... cheaper.

They looked in the video from last night to see what went on. After some time, they saw something that surprised them all. The video showed Alex walking into the precinct with a wood chipper and an axe, she looked mad as hell as she carried these things inside.

Watching as she angrily stormed in, all Fin could say was, "Son of a bitch."

"Alex? What did you do to make her angry?" Olivia asked him, he couldn't really give her a response because he doesn't even know what he did wrong. But things went from bad to worse when Alex walked in, in the worst of time.

"You! Could you explain what the hell you were doing here last night, Alex?" Cragen asked her, in a moderately angry mood.

"I just came her to leave something here." She gracefully lied. (who knew that could be used).

"You left something alright. You left my desk in nothing but bits." Fin yelled at her. Not that loud but he was still angry, "And what about the bull stampede, the voodoo guy, that tire iron thrown at me."

"I don't know about that, but you deserve it for setting me up to get my heart broken."

"What are you talking about?"

Like Liv and Cragen, Munch was also a little confused so he asked, "Yeah, what going on between you two. Olivia thought you two are dating, so is that the problem?"

"What? No. I'm talking about the fact that you convinced me to tell Casey how I felt about her only to find out she has feeling for you."

"Me? Hold up? She has a crush on me? Since when?"

"I don't know. But I know that you might lose some valuable soon." She began threatening him knowing that assaulting a cop was clearly illegal. But it all started more and more soap opera-y when Casey makes an unannounced visit into the precinct.

"And the worst this situation gets, the more ironically hilarious it gets." Munch laughed out loud (lol) at this scenario. The only thing that could make this better was popcorn.

"What's going on here? And what's with that pile of sawdust on the floor?" Casey wondered, looking for the slightest answer.

"Well first it's actually wood chips but," Olivia started explaining, first pondered off at first but got back to the point, "Alex here, has a crush on you so she asked Fin to help her get over it. She wanted to confess her feelings for you, in hopes of you feeling the same way but she found out was you had affection for Fin instead. So she gets angry, comes into the precinct, tear his desk to bits and to top it off, she tries to eliminate him so she could have a chance with you."

Everybody looked at her as if she was crazy, or that she probably have been following this too much. Like everyone, Alex asked her, "How did you figure out that stuff that quick? I don't even remember telling you anything."

"I'm a detective, so I could figure this out without even trying. Plus I've been following and eavesdropping since yesterday."

A little touched and very creeped out Casey turned to Alex and said, "You actually had something for me? Why didn't you tell me, I'd support you even if it's me you want to get busy with. Besides, you were the one that convinced me of having affection for him."

At that point, not even Alex could bring up any words. She honestly forgot about it. "Are you serious? Do you mean that I ended up hurting myself?"

"Yeah, in a way."

Hearing that come out of her mouth, Alex actually felt better; she wasn't angry anymore, no trying to kill a cop, none of that. She was actually relieved, but the stumped looks on Fin, Olivia, Munch and Cragen was still stuck on their faces. Even though this meant she wasn't gonna terrorize anybody, this moment was still one the strangest any of the detectives have ever encountered.

"Thank god. I'm glad I can rest happy knowing that I finally moved past it." She sighed in total relief, "Thanks, Fin. You actually helped me get over it. Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta get the C4 bomb off your apartment door. See you guys later."

Watching as Alex and Casey walked freely out of the precinct, still left them wondering what the hell happened there. Munch was laughing on the inside of course, he might not ever get a chance like this ever. Olivia wished Elliot came back so he could input on this; he wouldn't even have an answer.

As for Fin, all he could ask was, "What the hell just happened?"

"Well guys, do you want to know why office romances is not allowed?" Cragen explained to everyone, "Because of things like  _THAT_. Either someone gets hurt or killed, one of those two. I've seen too much of it to know what happens."

"And now we know..." Olivia agreed.

"...and knowing is half the battle." Munch also said, in his way of agreement. Clearly, Fin was not in the mood to deal with Munch or anybody to be exact. But it was clearly not the last time they'll ever see her again because they had to deal with her either way.

* * *

**End of Chapter Five**

 


	6. Chapter 6

_Overboard_

Like always, they were in pursuit of a suspect just after they discover that the DNA test became positive, with this guy as a match. He saw that they were coming for them so he ran into his car and did his best to flee the two detectives. But they were already ahead of him; Olivia made Elliot get in so she could chase after him but something inside of her sparked something that no man ever wants to see in a woman and when she noticeably goes faster, this sparked something.

"Hey, Liv?" Elliot asked Olivia, "Why are we going so fast?"

"I'm gonna catch that son of a bitch, even if it'll cost us our lives." She said coldly.

"Oh okay..." He sighed in relief, until he let her words sink in for a second, "Wait, what?"

During this chase, both cars are dangerously going 80 mph, fast enough to smash a stand to pieces or kill a passing bird. This looked like it was going to get out of hand and since Elliot couldn't take the wheel from her, he could at least try to stop her.

"Olivia, calm down. I'm not old enough to die!"

But all plans failed as she started going faster, laughing mechanically and with this crazy look on her face. He's never seen this side of Olivia like this and he hoped he didn't have too so he tried to leap out but things went from bad to worst when the suspect crashes into a pole nearby a brick wall.

From that moment, Olivia just went overboard from this point on. Finally having him the position she wants, she said to herself, "I got you now, my little precious!"

Seeing how she was charging point blank at the other car made Elliot ask her, "Liv, what are you doing?"

"It's been great being your partner, Elliot." She told him, "But like this guy, some things must come to an end."

"Oh god, you wouldn't?"

Going up to full speed, about to crash head to head into a car that happens to be leaking something, Elliot shrieked in terror for may be the first time while Olivia continued to laugh mechanically just as they collide in a debris of mess.

Meanwhile, just near they thing, Fin and Casey were walking out of a ice cream parlor that she just so happened to drag him off work in order to go. Earlier, she had saw Olivia inside a car but was unsure if it was even her or not. Anyways...

"I told you it was a good time for ice cream." She told Fin; but he didn't care less.

"I just want to go back to work."

However, that had to wait for a while when they hear a huge explosion just moments after Olivia crashed head on into the other vehicle. They quickly ran to help whoever was inside (unaware that it's them), but when they discover them in a whole bunch of danger, they work effortlessly to try and get them out.

_-The following day-_

Elliot and Olivia were finally conscious, with Fin and Casey by their sides. They were worried but more disappointed with them; but more disappointed with Olivia but they also found it a surprise that they actually survived such a gruesome scene like that but if it wasn't for them then they would be dead.

"Just so you know, the captain is mad as hell and he just called the rats." Fin told the injured two.

"Well. I guess it was all worth it." Olivia stated, "Our suspect is dead and I'm about to save a lot of money on my car insurance. What about you, Elliot?"

"I'm in a catastrophic amount of pain."

* * *

_Dodgeball_

Everyone had a day off today but nobody had anything to do today. In a combination of sitting on their collective asses or just going through their work absent minded. I guess it was very clear that they all are way too deep in their work. For their jobs, they had to be on the up and up but when they weren't working, it was boring.

So Alex decided to remedy the situation but calling up the detectives (as in the ones she cares about), her fellow co workers that work with the DA and so much as inviting George and Melinda, neither of them being a detective or an ADA. Why she did this was because she had an idea...

"Alex, why the hell are we playing dodge ball?" Munch whined/'asked'.

"Let me put it this way: You all are bored as hell, so I thought what's a better waste of time than dodge ball? So I called you guys up and here we are."

"Okay, I understand but..." Olivia said, with something bugging her, "Why is my uniform so revealing? In fact, why am I the only one wearing a uniform?"

She looked away from her and whispered, "Oh well... you know... He he."

With that out of the way, Elliot looked around and saw three people that he's doesn't recall meeting. "Hey? Who is this blonde chick? Who is this other guy and who is that guy over there?" For the reference, he was talking about Amanda, Nick and David respectively.

"Well that's not important. Let's play."

"I'm glad I'm on this side because from the looks of it, this guy looks like he can put another hole in your body." Amanda said randomly; this was, unfortunately, true.

Alex had finally had enough of this so she instantly proclaimed, "Alright, let's play!"

And that's when things began to get bad at least not yet; they were teams: anyone who was an ADA and anyone who was a detective had to play against each other, within minutes everyone was being knocked down one by one. Elliot for some reason, didn't throw the ball yet. But he decided it was the proper time and fired a "radio" throw straight at David, which launched him of the ground and into a wall.

"That hurts. A lot..." He said, very injured at that point. From then on, they all started throwing red balls at each other while the others watched safely.

"His ass looks so good in those pants." George murmured that just so happened to catch the attention of Melinda, Cragen and Munch as they gave him some creeped out looks. He launched a rebuttal by saying, "Don't judge me. You know it's true."

Meanwhile, the only people who were actually inflicting any damage was Alex and Elliot; that was shown when Alex clocked Dani in the head when she wasn't paying attention and then again when she recently struck Munch in the crotch, even though he wasn't even playing. After Olivia being the last person besides them to get knocked out of the game (which at one moment, both of them got a great view of her "assets"), it was down to Alex and Elliot.

Among everyone who know where this was gonna go, Cragen sighed, "Oh no. Everybody..."

They all moved almost instantly, away from what's may happen. Both backed up plenty of feet away, they held on the ball and were about to prepare for a one big knockout blow. Both charged at max speed and then fired both balls so fast, so deadly that thinking about it would give you a stroke. Neither hit any of them but more rather collided with each other; the second they touched everything was getting more and more wild.

Until... they disintegrated and the end result was a huge blast that literally split the whole gym in half. Everybody was all over the place since those winds were so massive but the focus somehow managed to switch to Olivia when they take a look at what happened to her clothes. It showed a lot of skin and everybody was staring; at that same moment, Alex slowly took out her phone and took a picture and that's when right before, she looked down.

Immediately she covered herself up and just when she saw that flash, she looked at Alex... glaring at best. "Alex... give me that phone."

"No. I won't."

Things flared up as Olivia chased after her, yelling, "Give me that picture!"

But Alex wasn't gonna let that happen so she defended, "No, it's mine! My precious!"

Everybody was all confused with this whole picture, especially Elliot. Then he goes and asks everybody, "I'm the only one that has a hard on?"

"I'm already hard, and it's not because of Liv." George literally said out loud. Which, yet again, resulted in dirty looks his way.

* * *

_Mind Reading_

Usually when everyone is working, someone is always late. This time it was Munch who was late; everyone knew that he wasn't there but when he actually did arrive, nobody really cared as much. But something was different. It looked as though he saw a ghost... but even if he did nobody would really believe him.

"Guys, guys. You four need to come here. I got something to show you." He said, excited as he's ever been.

"We don't care about UFOs, Munch." Fin exclaimed, thinking that it's just another one of his crackpot theories.

"Come on guys." Olivia tried to convince the others to show interest, "Let's tolerate him and see what he wants."

The four of them were led into the television screen that they had, used for work purposes; and waited to see what he wanted to show them. So he cut the random crap and flat out told them:

"Ladies and gentlemen... and Olivia." Munch said to the other, nonchalant four, "I have made a device that can read people's minds." He took out a device out of his jacket and hooked it up to the TV; they thought at that second that he's become senile.

"Munch, we are saying this because we kind of love you, but what the hell is this?" Fin asked him, not more of asking but more... never mind.

"It's a mind reading device. I can tell you that it actually works." He told them, trying to convince them that it's the truth. "Here, I'll point it at Rollins and you'll see that it's no joke." He does go and point the device at Amanda until for some odd reason, the song Surfin' Bird starts playing.

They all gave her weird looks as the song plays so she said, "Don't judge me. I love this song."

Then it got even more odd, when he would point the device at Olivia and this time, something popped up on the screen and it was Elliot washing a car wearing only a speedo. That thought ended up getting dirty looks from the other detectives; even worse was some provocative song played in the background.

"Who's that guy?" Amanda asked her. That had Olivia turn away, blushing and nearly in tears telling her:

"Nobody."

"You see. It works! I might get a Nobel Prize with this."

Before he fully convinced himself into releasing it, Fin suggested, "I don't think you should show anybody else. Especially people who'll do god know what with it."

"I guess you're right." He agreed, but then turned the device to Nick, "I'm gonna see what you are thinking about."

"No, no. That's not necessary." He alerted, trying hard for him to reconsider. But that when they all hear his thoughts,  _'Damn, Liv has such a hot ass.'_

A tray of awkward silence, chuckling and a very stern look on Olivia's face, he was a bit embarrassed and at the same time, wanted to kick Munch in his ass for that. She glared at him for a good long time, until he had the guts to say:

"Now, don't do anything stupid."

"Don't worry. I'm not mad." She said calmly, that's when she rolled up a magazine, started hitting Nick with it whist yelling, "You've been looking at my ass, you perv? Huh?" She went on with this for as long as she thought was necessary but then started hitting him harder when his thoughts revealed a interesting 'comment' about her chest.

"Love this." Munch laughed.

* * *

_*****We now interrupt this chapter for a special message.***** _

(Captain Cragen walks in the room and sits in a chair)

 **Cragen**  - "Hello, I guess you all know who I am so I guess we can cut the crap. I'm here to address a certain topic that some may not do anymore, but some may imply anyways. What I'm talking about is 'revealing' that  _ **I'm**_  Olivia's real father. Now I'm not gonna rant but this is one of the weirdest things anyone can think of. First of all, she was the product of rape so if I was her real father, then that's like saying I raped her mother.

Not only that, but if I was her father, then she and her brother Simon wouldn't be related. So yeah, not only will this disadvantage her but it mostly disadvantages me. I guess if it wouldn't be THAT bad if you backed the story up. But still, I find it to be weird.

_*****We not return to the bullshit you were reading...***** _

* * *

_Gobble, Gobble._

They have recently got a call about a reported sexual assault in a place that isn't worth the time mentioning. But the thing is, that call came six hours ago. Later on, Cragen receives the same call from the officers at the crime scene, then told him that none of his detectives ever showed up. He walked out of his office and saw that nobody had actually left; this made him irritated.

"What the hell are you doing? You got a call to head out six hours ago, why are you still here?"

They all looked around to see if anyone wanted to try to explain this, so Olivia did instead, "Let me set this straight. We tried to go out but for some odd reason, there's a whole army of turkeys on the streets about ten mile in diameter."

"Really?" He inquired. He wasn't buying this at all.

"Yes, really. Me and Nick decided to simply run over them, but then all of a sudden, a bunch of PETA members show up bashing on our window, protesting saying that we are inhumane for considering running over turkeys. I told them that we were cops and we had a job to do, then they said we'd rather care about rape victims than innocent turkeys."

"Hmm..."

"And then there was an argument, things were said and things got bad when they started taking their picket signs and beat Amaro with them. It took me five minutes to call backup so we could arrest them all, while they bitched about the officers running them over and began ranting about some crazy stuff."

After hearing her explain the whole situation, Cragen actually believed her when he saw how bad they beat up Nick and the fact that the cell was packed. They all kept yelling at the detectives, about human rights and the First Amendment for so long, Fin had to taser one of them to prove a point.

"You can't keep us here. We know our rights." One barked at them.

"Well you don't have rights to assault a police officer." Cragen barked back, "Until those turkeys are gone, we're hauling your asses to booking."

"Can't believe I got my ass kicked by a bunch of animal activists." Nick thought out loud.

"Well believe it. While you're working here, you'll expect the most unusual."

That couldn't have been more true than ever. Seriously.

* * *

**End of Chapter Six**


	7. Chapter 7

_Anger Management (Entire chapter)_

The day was just like every one for the past week: tiring. Everyone has been working to the bone to find and arrest the person responsible for the death of a missing girl; they had recently spent a day or two trying to find a solid lead and after sleepless nights, they found somebody linked to the murder. Earlier Cragen sent his lead detectives, Elliot and Olivia out to ask this guy some questions/or pick him up. But that was hours ago.

At some point, he got a little concerned so he left his office and asked around, "Hey, has Liv and Elliot returned yet? I suspected them to get here by now."

"Perhaps something came up so they had to take a detour." Munch answered, "These things happen."

But before he went back to his office, he heard screaming, yelling from outside and the first thing he saw was their suspect being escorted into the precinct with handcuffs. He thought it was a verbal fight against him, Elliot and Olivia but it just so happened, they were yelling at each other. But it escalated into them not being at each other, to being angry regardless.

And it all started as Elliot picked up his desk lamp, threw it out of rage, yelling, "Goddamn it! I am sick of this shit and I'm about to fuck everything up!"

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Cragen wondered. But he knowing Elliot, it must have been the perp. Though Olivia didn't help much in calming him down, she was as pissed off as he was.

"Rahhhhhhh!" She yelled out, shaking her desk also out of rage.

"Now hold on. What exactly is bugging you guys?"

"Well, I wanted too blow that guy's head off, but Liv wouldn't let me."

"I guess she's right for stopping you."

"And I'm tired of people riding my ass every hour of the damn day!" She went and complained, "Next person who starts giving me shit, I will burn their house down!"

While they heard all this transcribe, Fin asked Munch, "What the hell is she talking about?"

"I don't know but she is pissed. But let's face it, she has a lot of reason to be angry I mean... damn."

Then for some reason, Olivia turned over and snapped at him, "I am not gonna take any criticism from a fucking jew!"

"Well excuse me. Someone had a extra cup of bitch this morning."

That comment pretty much made her want to stab him with a fork... which she just so happened to grab out of nowhere and charged at him; but was stopped when Cragen immediately intervened before something bad ensued. This would be his last bit with them...

"Alright that's enough. You guys forgot how to be professionals, now control yourselves, get in there and do your job." He barked at them; fully capable of coming down with an iron fist when it came to them, "Munch, clean up this mess."

They steamed down some and walked into the interrogation room, but they were still mad nonetheless. Now they have had some anger issues in the past, more like the past three days. The reason why Olivia was acting like this was because she's premenstrual at the time; and she gets extremely nasty when she gets this was. And for Elliot, he was just straight up pissed off.

The following day, things got incredibly... worse. They had calmed down but what they did yesterday resulted in Internal Affairs paying them a visit. They had no idea what was going on and knowing how this looked, it was certainly not a good thing.

"What are they doing here?" Olivia asked.

"Apparently, IAB is here to take you guys in." Cragen told them with a stern tone in his voice, "I'm sorry. I couldn't convince them otherwise."

"So what? You're just gonna let these rats arrest us?" Elliot objected. But Ed Tucker was in no mood to hear them object to this so he simply told them.

"You have two options: I can take you in with handcuffs, or you guys can cooperate."

Knowing how embarrassing to have two detectives behind their backs, they'd rather accept their fate. "We'll come along with you."

They walked straight out of the precinct as he issued them their Miranda rights, "Detectives Stabler and Benson, you are under arrest. Anything you say will be used against you in the court of law..."

As he told them their rights, Alex just so happened to pass through them and immediately she tried to receive some answers, "What the- what is going on here? Why are you taking them?"

"They are under arrest. Need I say more?" Tucker told her, then proceeded to take them away. But Alex wasn't gonna let that happen.

"Now wait a second. Before you take them in for booking, let me see what they're being charged with."

Much later, they walked into the captain's office and began talking about the situation regarding Elliot and Olivia, while they were outside the office handcuffed to something. While Alex wasn't a defense attorney, she acted on their behalf, in efforts to possibly keep them out of jail.

"So what are they being charged with?"

"Detectives Benson and Stabler are being charged with multiple counts of assault among many charges after they brutally beaten a suspect during interrogation. The man reported this to the captain while he forwarded back to us."

And all Alex could do was sigh and shake her head, this was too crazy for her to handle and knowing how it was them of all people was no surprise to her.

"What happened after they beat the hell out of him?"

"Well..." Cragen tried to summarize it, but it took him a minute or two to answer, "Well, Elliot and Olivia came into the precinct boiled as ever. Elliot was throwing things everywhere and Olivia was spitting out hateful things at Munch. And the rest well... you had to be there to know what went down."

"I don't get it. They aren't like this all the time. Elliot maybe but Liv is another story. I don't know what I supposed to do about this..."

"I guess I can input." Dr. Huang proclaimed, which so happened to scare them half to death.

"Holy crap. How long have you've been standing there?" Alex inquired.

"Since you three came in here." He told them, "I don't think they need to be arrested or prosecuted because of their behavior. I'm guessing this stems from the stress from their jobs, their unnecessary aggression and inability to control their emotions."

"So what do you suggest?" Tucker asked him. And George had the proper idea...

"Anger management?" Elliot exclaimed, "That's ridiculous. We don't have any anger issues."

"Coming from the guy who just yesterday beat a man over the head with a chair?" Munch remarked, recalling to the incident.

"Fuck you, Munch." Olivia cursed out, then had some nerve to say, "This is crazy. We don't need any help controlling our anger."

Despite their objections to this, Alex plainly reminded them, "Well, it's either this or you two will easily lose your jobs. The deal is they suspend the charges while you two attend private anger management sessions for two and a half weeks, three days a week or such time until you improve. If you fail to attend these sessions or fail to make any progress, you will be apprehended. Think of it as you two staying out of court."

"Well, I guess this is taken care of. I'll be around... just wait..." Tucker said, walking out and going along with his business. I guess he knows that they will handle this well.

Just as he left, Olivia still objected to this, "This is insane. Are you really gonna let this happen?"

"Yes I will." Cragen answered, as simple as he put it, "You two over the years have pushed your luck and we all have given you guys chances. There's no doubt that you injured that man and threw away any possibility of a trial, but don't expect to get off without learning a lesson. Now you two can do this like adults or act like children."

Even though they didn't want to at all, it was better than going to jail. "Alright. We'll go."

"Don't worry. Each session is two hours long and I'll attend every session and you will receive weekly psych evaluations during this period." George explained to them both.

"And in the meantime, you two are on suspension."

Just by hearing the words suspension, they soon surrendered their badges and guns (which they used to pistol whip the guy) and headed home. Tomorrow was gonna be a tough day for the these two and it was hardly the beginning.

* * *

_**-The next day... in a anger management class-** _

Elliot and Olivia were angrily sitting in separate chairs, just waiting for the son of a bitch that's supposed to coach them for the next few weeks. To make sure everything went smooth, George stood in the corner to observe them during each session. The last thing they ever wanted was for him of all people to be there.

They were still dissatisfied with them being here and like him, Olivia showed her distaste with this whole thing, "I can't believe we have to spend the next few weeks in anger management. I understand Elliot being here but why me?"

"Because you need to keep your anger under control too. Especially when you're on the 'rag'." Elliot explained. But that didn't ride well with Olivia, given the fact that he, among every detective, has the biggest anger problem of all.

Then a man, who was dressed casually walked in as their therapist, to give them their treatment. With a happy look and tone on his face, he greeted, "Why hello there everyone, I'm Doctor Waters and I'll be your- Oh good god, it's you!" He immediately got frightened when he saw Elliot and searched for safety.

"Sup, Doug. Long time no see." Elliot smiled, as he silently laughed at the way he feared him.

"You know him?" Olivia asked him.

"Yeah. Last time I was here, I beat the crap out of him with a chair for what he said about my family."

"All I said was your family is better off with an ape." He cried out, still in fear. Elliot chose to let go the comment, although it wasn't really insulting. Perhaps it was. Anyways, he moved on, "Now what this is, for the next few weeks, I'll be here to help you control your anger and in order to become calm, happy and normal people."

They stood in silence whist glaring at him and even more so, Olivia flipped him off in response. He instantly knew that this was gonna be difficult so he had to play it slow, especially with Elliot.

"Now let's start. You two tell me about the people who make you angry."

They thought about it for a good minute or so, until soon enough Elliot answered, "Munch, without a doubt."

"That guy who licks his lips while watching me work out," Olivia grumbled (almost) under breath, "I told him, 'Unless you're gonna put a baby in me, the stay out of my business, bitch!"

"Well think of it as a dirty road and while you walk on it, you find a nice shiny penny."

"What the hell is he talking about?" Olivia whispered to Elliot.

"Get used to it. He says this crap all the time."

Annoyed as they already were, it got worse as it all came along. Throughout one session, it turned out to actually be more of a success that actually expected. While the therapist calmly and carefully worked on them especially Elliot, George still stood and watched the way they handled themselves so he can play his role.

 _Much later in his office_ , he managed to convince them to come along into his office so he could give them an evaluation; needless to say it went wonderful but he still believed that they might get into more trouble if their anger got our of control so he had this idea...

"Here guys. This will help you control yourselves and feel happy. By any chance."

"What is this?" Olivia wondered.

"For Elliot, a couple pills to keep his rage in check and for you Olivia, is pills to help control your moods as well, especially if your premenstrual."

"I am. Sadly."

"Anyways, these might keep you guys from beating the crap out of people, or worse, killing them." He explained, "If these might not work as I expect, then call me. Either way, get out."

 _Later that evening_ , things were incredibly strange for both of them. Elliot and Olivia easily took the medication but what they didn't know was George accidentally mixed up the pills, resulting in Elliot receiving female hormone pills, which you may think was for Olivia but it's not and as for her, for some reason, she received Ambien instead of mood elevators.

When he just found out this mix up, he knew on the spot that this was not gonna end well for either of them. He thought that you should alert them but given the fact that they may have already taken it, it was already too late. It would have been fine if he hadn't given them a whole bottle full.

The effects kicked in eventually, the prime example being Olivia; as she sat in her apartment completely messed up. While Ambien is normally a sleeping aid, she started hallucinating; it started with blurred vision but as the hours went along, she completely started tripping. Perhaps it was because of the fact she drank a beer with it. Though it got more stranger as it went along as she sat on the couch, deliberately talking to herself but to her, she was talking to Yogi Bear.

"Why hi, Olivia. Do you want me to juggle on a unicycle?" He 'asked' her.

"Ha ha. Yes!" A totally wigged out Olivia cheered.

 _Meanwhile_  after Elliot took the pills, he felt strange. The effects didn't kick in for a while but while he and his family was eating dinner, he felt strange so strange, he started touching his chest and starting doing some strange things.

Eventually, the rest of the family noticed so Kathy spoke up and asked, "Elliot, what the hell are you doing?"

"I don't know. For some reason my nipples are driving me crazy." He told them. There was literally no way she could respond to that, so she and the rest of them just kept eating.

* * *

_**-Weeks later-** _

Interestingly enough, they were actually calming down to say the least with the help of the pills (which is still messed up). Over the last couple weeks, things have gotten very smooth to say the least: they were cooperative, non-violent and they haven't thrown a chair at anything since they first arrived.

Everything went pretty well, until Olivia finally snapped out of her 'high' and caught something off with Elliot, "Hey, I just noticed something. I think you are growing breasts."

"I don't understand it. I thought it was the stuff I was eating but now I'm just don't know..."

Then Dr. Waters came back to give them their final lessons, "Okay guys. Now we can work on how we react when we are angry."

"Hey, Huang." Olivia called out, "What kind of pills did you give us?"

"Um...well," He tried to explain, so he simply just said it, "After the first evaluation, I was supposed to give you pain killers and mood elevators and something else for Elliot. But as it turned out, because of a mix up, I accidentally gave you Ambien pills and gave Elliot hormone pills."

And then, they suddenly broke. They felt like doing something bad to him, but that aside she said, "What?"

"Oh yeah. I switched the medication so you guys know how it feels to be one another." The stupid ass doctor revealed. And that's when hell broke loose.

"You gave ME hormone pills!" Elliot yelled, as he then pointed to his chest, "I HAVE BOOBS BECAUSE OF YOU!"

"What about me? Thanks to you two, I'm apparently addicted to drugs."

"Well I'm very sorry-"

"FUCK YOU!" Elliot cursed out, whist he tried to apologize to them. But things were very screwed up already so nothing could really stop them. The anger that cause them to knock a man into a coma, resurfaced and that was something that neither could handle.

However, George took a shot at this in attempt to restore order. So he pleaded, "Elliot, Olivia, calm down. You don't want to lose your jobs, don't you?"

"Yes do what he says," Dr Waters stuttered in fear, "He knows what to do, so listen to him."

But that didn't happen to work when Elliot took a chair, broke off one of the legs and yelled out, "I will fuck him up with this wood!"

For some odd reason, he felt a little happy for some reason. He didn't know if he should be afraid or be happy; even though that was a little odd. Either way, this whole thing escalated into another tantrum started by the angry duo. Yet to be honest, Elliot might have a reason to be angry.

 _Now back at the precinct_  after what went down, George told Cragen and the others about the sudden meltdown they had in anger management. It was a combined mix of laughing, confusion and straight up disappointment. Earlier they had literally trashed the room almost in entirety.

"Okay, let me get this straight..." Cragen tried to summarize the whole case, "They went on a rampage, trashed the room all because you gave them the wrong pills?"

"Yes. That's correct."

"Why are you giving ANYONE pills at all?" Munch wondered; that question was so interesting that not even him could give much of an answer.

"So anyways, what does this mean? Do they pass anger management?"

"Sadly, yes. I couldn't really deduct their overall performance because of that one incident." He calmly explained to Cragen, "Besides, they threatened to kill us both if they didn't pass."

"Well regardless if they passed or not, it's still up to IAB if they want to drop the charges." Cragen pointed out to him, but strangely enough he got a phone call from Alex, "Hello?"

" _Hey, I just remembered to tell you. IAB is set to drop the assault charges and Elliot and Olivia are cleared to return to work."_  She told him, then hung up. However, she was at Internal Affairs with Casey as she had pinned Tucker against the wall with a gun pointed to his head. As she hung up the phone, she said, "Alright, you can let him go now."

"As you wish..." Casey replied, letting go of Tucker and removing the clip fro her gun; which is most likely not hers. They went along with their own business and walked straight out of the room, but not before he told them:

"You two will not get away with this..."

But she didn't really take that as a threat, in fact she would respond with, "I know. But if you ever tell anybody, then I'll make your life so horrible and painful, you will end up doing the strange and unnatural, none of which has happened since the day you crawled out of that dark cavern you call a mother. So if you so choose, then you will feel my devastating wrath."

* * *

_**-…. Meanwhile-** _

"So what do we do about Elliot and Olivia? Should I let them back?"

"Perhaps." George replied but then made a interesting observation, "I guess the reason they are angry all the time is because Elliot has to deal with things like this and Olivia, who is basically normal, usually doesn't get this way unless she is on her period. But yet, I guess their anger is something that benefits because as long as they are supervised, we don't have to deal with them trying to kill a man during interrogation."

As similar as that was, he was making plenty of sense. But before Cragen could even say anything else, Elliot and Olivia walked in the precinct all happy and very calm. Maybe the calmest they've been (without drugs) since before this even happened.

"Sup, guys." Munch greeted, "Did anger management treat you well?"

"It did." Olivia answered, "When me and El fucked up things yesterday, we thought of a way to express our anger without hurting someone. By purchasing stuffed rabbits."

"Stuffed rabbits?"

"Yes, Munch. Stuffed rabbits." Elliot replied, "You see, all that stupid crap is useless. So it's unnatural to ball up your anger, so we got these so we don't have to fuck someone up."

"I guess that's... kinda acceptable." Cragen thought about.

"Of course. Now if any of you every send us to anger management, then we'll make sure we show you how angry we'll get. Bye." To add a little insult to injury, both of them kissed their hands, smacked their asses and walked away signaling the middle finger their way.

"Well I guess we all learned a valuable lesson after this ordeal." Munch cheerfully said to everybody, but Fin didn't know what exactly that was supposed to mean.

"Learned what?"

Munch stood silent for a while, thinking of that kind of lesson that they learned. But he couldn't think of anything that they could've possible learned from this; in fact, it was likely that Elliot nor Olivia learned anything from this. But aside from the fact that George should never be in possession of pills, nobody learned anything from this.  _ **Oh well.**_

* * *

**End of Chapter Seven**


	8. Chapter 8

_How to Be a Successful SVU Detective_

Hello there. If you are reading this, then you have just been promoted or transferred to NYPD Special Victims Unit, in the Manhattan borough. Now this job is very grim and you probably don't have the stomach for it. But if you do, then there is a chance that you may see things that never thought you'd see in your lifetime.

Okay, now that we got the scare method out of the way. Let's get to business.

You probably never worked sex crimes before or have no knowledge of it, you may think it's much different than all the other divisions you've potentially worked for. Nope! What you don't know about SVU is that it's time-consuming, frustrating and a whole lot of things that make you want to quit.

 _But_ , take some pointers from our veteran detectives Elliot Stabler and Olivia Benson. The average tenure for a sex crimes detective is two years tops. They, a few others, have been in this same line of work for more than a decade.

But for you rookies, take them as an example on how to actually deal with this work. But we should warn you, when they are or not working, things get a little personal and one little mistake might result in you getting killed.

So we have made a little guide book on how to be a successful SVU detective. And by the end of the day, you might learn something. Let's start, shall we.

 _ **Take care of the victim**_  – Even if he/she is a complete bitch while you're only doing your job, his/her testimony is the one thing that will help put the perp in jail.

 _ **Refrain from any racial slurs/comments**_  – Especially if you're around Munch and Fin.

 _ **The medical examiner is always right**_  – Never doubt Melinda Warner. She knows what she's doing, so don't talk back.

 _ **Office crushes**_  – It's fine to flirt a little (although this is a sex crimes division), but keep yourself dignified if you have a crush on someone.

 _ **The FBI are NOT your friends**_  – Nothing pisses off cops worse when the feds come in and fuck up everything you've worked on.

 _ **Avoid any negative comments about Elliot's children**_  – Seriously. Do not say anything bad about them or say that you'll do something to them, because Elliot will fuck you up.

 _ **Do not speak about anything conspiracy-related towards Munch**_  – We're not joking about this one.

 _ **Also refrain from any jokes about George Huang**_  – Even  _if_  he's Asian  _and_  gay, don't make fun of him for it. A shrink is hard to come by these days.

 _ **Steer clear from Olivia... during her time of the month**_  – No seriously, I would highly recommend staying as far away from her as possible.

 _ **Force is necessary...**_  - ...Unless you accidentally kill him/her.

 _ **Elliot IS a happily married man**_  – No matter how much you are in love with him, DO NOT do anything bad to his wife. If we find Kathy beaten to death, we WILL search for you.

 _ **Men and Olivia**_  – As a SVU detective, it's your god given privilege to cock block Liv any chance you get. Why? Because it's easy.

 _ **Never, ever, ever, ever, ever fuck with Alex Cabot**_  – She is highly capable of doing awful things to you. God help you if it's somehow Olivia related.

 _ **Listen to Cragen**_  – He's the boss. You aren't.

 _ **Never listen to the suspect**_  – Even if he's not even guilty, don't believe a word he says.

 _ **IAB are ALSO NOT your friends**_  – Nobody from Internal Affairs is interested in making friends with the likes of you. Regardless of how much you have in common.

 _ **Don't make fun of Munch**_  – That's Olivia's job.

 _ **If you become Elliot's new partner (regardless of gender)**_  – Expect hate by the ship loads.

 _ **If you become Olivia's new partner (and you're male)**_  – Expect neutral.

 _ **Cragen is not a wizard**_  – So don't say things that will eventually get you in trouble.

 _ **Don't get into a fight with your fellow detectives**_  – Doing so will result in suspension/or being fired.

 _ **Search warrants**_  – Doesn't really matter where you get it, just as long as you have one.

 _ **Don't kill the suspect**_  – Even if he/she makes you sick to your stomach, leave it to the prisoners.

 _ **Don't act stupid when you're on the stand**_  – Remember, you aren't on trial. So don't go blurting out things that everyone can hear.

 _ **When you fuck up, fix it**_  – Don't rely on others to fix the shit you shouldn't have fucked with.

 _ **Always keep an eye on Olivia**_  – She's been on suicide watch since 2004.

 _ **Don't piss off Elliot**_  – You might get fucked up, to a serious degree. (In fact, it's recommended that you also keep him away from pedophiles. You'll know why.)

 _ **Also don't piss off any ADA**_  – Most are capable of doing things that one wouldn't consider doing. So we don't recommend it.

 _ **Don't make fun of Olivia**_  – That's everyone's job.

 _ **Don't kill Kathy, solely to pair up Elliot and Olivia**_  – They will catch on... and we will contact IAB. They'll deal with you.

 _ **Be an adult, this isn't high school**_  – Does this need any explanation.

 _ **If Huang comes in with his partner...**_  – Immediately tape Olivia's mouth shut and her hands together.

 _ **If you're gonna start a car chase, at least avoid getting in trouble**_  – It's not a movie. You might end up causing damage, chaos and, if possible, death. Have some common sense.

 _ **Don't tell Olivia that the agency will let her adopt**_  – As if her life wasn't bad enough, don't go getting her hopes up and increase the chance of her killing herself. Besides, if you do instead joke about the fact that Olivia has no kids, she might kick your ass.

 _ **Also don't tell Olivia that Elliot is coming back**_  – She might kick you ass even harder if you do.

 _ **Please don't fuck around with the homicide unit**_  – They hate us enough already, we don't need you fucking around with them.

And that was only the beginning. But we hope it helps you not act like a moron and end up getting fired. Although these mainly have something to deal with the current staff, some of these people might distract you from doing your job. Also, don't go and start beating rapists to death. Do you know how many times we've stopped Elliot from doing that? Exactly. Thank you and good luck to you. (You're gonna need it).

"What the hell is this, captain?" Olivia asked him.

"What do you think it is? It's something that will help our rookies survive more than a week at this job." Cragen explained.

"This isn't necessary."

"It damn sure is necessary. Half of all our transfers and newcomers have either quit, got fired, or wound up missing. Some of them have quit because of you apparently."

"Oh come on. That's not true." she denied these accusations (even though it's the truth).

"Remember the one detective that left when you nearly killed him?"

Olivia laid there silent for a while, trying to find an excuse for that. That's exactly what he was talking about.

* * *

**End of Chapter Eight**


	9. Chapter 9

_SVU... and Sesame Street: Part One_

As a result of some freaky ass accident, the cute little muppets from Sesame Street just so happen to make their way into New York City, and the SVU world. We can't even explain this one, things got highly weird and well... you'll have to "see" for yourselves. Now let's enter the cracktastic world of Sesame Street and SVU.

_**Warning**_ : The following story contains little to no plot, is completely random and most of all, highly vulgar language. It is recommended that you do not read this in front of your children, as they might be scarred for life (Maybe). Don't go complain to us about what goes down, as if you can do this job better. Whatever. Enjoy (if you dare) and you might get a kick out of it.

_**Part One: Elliot and Oscar the Grouch** _

It was late, late at night as Elliot just got off work. As if he wasn't frustrated already, Kathy has the fucking nerve to tell him to take out the trash. Even though he wanted to sleep really bad so he can do the same thing tomorrow, the first thing that he sees is a green furry monster in his trash can.

"What the hell?" Elliot mumbled, as he kicked the trash can a little bit when the monster decided to tell him off...

"Bitch! I'm sleeping!"

"Holy shit, it talks!"

"Of course I can talk, can't you?" He said, "Oh wait, of course you can, I heard you yelling at your house bitch in there. But it seems that she's got you whipped."

"Excuse me? Get the fuck out of my trash can, you oversized broccoli or I'll make you!"

"Ooh, I'm scared." He taunted, making Elliot mad as hell, "I'm shaking in my fuzzy boots. Which is actually disturbing these mice fucking beneath me." As Elliot was about to snap it's neck, Oscar took the time to talk shit about his realtor.

"Fucking realtor. Apparently that bitch told me that these people don't throw away stinky ass trash. Apparently they do. And you better not think about throwing that shit in here!"

"Fine then you have a deadline. You better get out of my trash can or I'll call a vegan or do you prefer a vegetarian?"

"You think that stuff is scary? Maybe I'll entertain the thought of your threat if you actually call over a cannibal. But I like to see you try, it will get your big ass first. Perhaps look through your case files, you might find some."

That's when Elliot got a little curious, so he went and said, "You know where I work?"

"Of course I know. I hear you talk about it with your bitch ass wife. By the way, I can hear your crazy ass children entertain themselves. Apparently she likes to hang off the bannister like that bitch from Titanic, constantly repeating to herself, "I can hear the dolphins in the water!' and I told her, 'No bitch, that's cars!'."

And that right there is what led Elliot into his 'I'm gonna fuck you up' look. So he put his hands on the trash bin and said, "Now you listen here, you foul mouth muff patch. You better get out of my trash and go back to where you came from, you head of cabbage or I'll kick you in the street."

"By the way, what's with the Jersey slang? Keep talking like that and you can ship your crazy ass family to Jersey. 'Cause this is New York, bitch!"

"That's it! It time for brutal force."

Oscar did really know what he meant by that, so he inquired, "What's that supposed to mean? Plus, do you mind putting the roof back on my house?"

"Fine, I'll give you the roof!" He yelled, slamming the lid right on the trash bin, hauling it off and kicked it right into the street.

_To Be Continued..._

* * *

_Fan Mail #2_

Just like before, there were two people in some unknown place full of cameras and who knows what. Last time it was Alex and Elliot, this time it's Cragen and Munch. This time they were beaten down, drugged and woke up in this place. And just when you thought it wasn't bad enough, Cragen had to answer questions from a bunch of mail.

"Rolling in 3... 2... 1..." Munch counted down.

Picking up the papers he was forced to read, Cragen said out to the camera, "Hello, fine viewers. This segment will be dedicated to reading mail sent in by you, the fans. Wait a minute, didn't Alex and Elliot do this before?"

"Yep."

"Oh well... okay then. Now let's get started while I'm here."

_**Dear Captain Cragen, How can you tolerate Elliot and Olivia?** _

"That's a good damn question. It's hard to deal with their crap on a daily basis and I've been very close to firing them both. So how do I tolerate them? I just don't know."

_**Dear Captain Cragen, Are there any detectives that you hate the least?** _

This one was something that he had to think about. But he figured out the question and said, "To be honest, practically all the detectives on staff piss me off. But the ones that I can at least handle would be Munch and Fin. Why? Because they don't piss me off as much, even though Fin and Elliot have it out; especially Munch and Olivia."

"Why thank you, captain." Munch told him.

_**Dear Captain Cragen, Why does the NYPD hate the feds?** _

"Because they get in the way of our goddamn case, that's why."

_**Dear Captain Cragen, Do you know about the things that Alex Cabot does?** _

"I don't know and I hope I never know."

_*What Alex is doing in her office right now...*_

Alone in her office with lots of work to do before she could get the hell outta there, she sat in her desk chair smiling... with a rubber duck in her hand, petting it. She kept whispering things to the rubber duck, the most unusual things were either telling the rubber duck her deepest secrets, or her "plans". But then she decided to talk to the rubber duck.

"Oh, Mr. Ducky. You're the only one that understands me. I love you." She said to the rubber duck, giving it a kiss.

_SVUSVUSVU_

_**Dear Captain Cragen, Why are you bald?** _

"Well why is Olivia still single? Why does Elliot have a anger problem? Why is Munch so fixated on conspiracies? See. There are questions that can't be explained."

"I'm not that fixated. I just wanna learn the truth..." Munch murmured to himself.

_**Dear Captain Cragen, Are you Olivia's father?** _

"How many times do I have to say this? I'm NOT her father."

_**Dear Captain Cragen, Why did Elliot leave?** _

"He retired. Didn't you idiots watch the episode?"

_**Dear Captain Cragen, How come you couldn't keep Dani Beck?** _

"She quit. I couldn't do anything about it. Besides, I don't think she would've lasted another month at SVU, if Olivia came back."

_**Dear Captain Cragen, What do you think about Detective Benson?** _

"Well, there's two sides to this. On one side, she very smart, strong, dedicated, fearless detective that has overcome a lot in her life. And on the other, she's sometimes incompetent, insubordinate and very bitchy. Depends if you catch her on a bad day."

_**Dear Captain Cragen, Did you really kill that hooker in the season finale?** _

"I honestly can't answer that..."

It got pretty silent and neither Cragen or Munch could say anything at this point. Munch would just shrug and walk away, leaving Cragen to deal with this by himself. As if he knew...

"Well, that's... it for now. You can send me more stupid questions later, but in the meantime I probably wouldn't recommended it."

* * *

**End of Chapter Nine**


	10. Chapter 10

_The Neighbors_

For years, Alex and Fin has always had this mutual friendship. Mutual as it was, they have always kept their ground. Now as Fin walked out of his apartment and onto work but before he could make it downstairs, one room down from his, Alex walked out almost simultaneously heading the same direction.

"Morning, Fin." she greeted, as she walked past him and onto her job. He had no other words but it didn't matter to him really.

Now this needs further explanation. Ever since Alex's run-in with members of the Colombian drug cartel which eventually led to her being put into witness protection, she had no choice but to move from her old apartment. When she found a place in her price range, she was surprised to find that Fin lived a couple doors over.

Since then, Fin has had the unglamorous pleasure to see, talk and walk with Alex every morning; excluding the days they weren't working. During the time as neighbors, he has heard or seen her up to no good. The most notable thing he's seen was watching her make away with a goat.

Another thing he remembers was walking over to see where all the noise was coming from. Needless to say, what was inside was something he didn't expect to see.

"Alex, what are you doing? I hear ya from my living room."

Looking around at the beer, topless men and women and the goat, she replied, "I'm having a meeting."

He had no further questions after that.

But that aside, he had no problems dealing with her. The only person who had a problem with them were the people that lived in between them. It's always been vacant and the average tenure in that place was three months. It may be awesome to live between them, but actually it's not as good as it seems. Especially with all the sex noises that come from Alex's apartment; sounds like a possessed raccoon.

* * *

_An Organization with a Inappropriate Acronym_

Walking down the hallway in a very, very angry mood was Olivia, who at the moment, smells horrible. And there was a reason why she was angry and she showed it when she pulled out her desk chair in anger. But that's not what got everybody's attention.

When Cragen walked over to her, he smelled her and knew something wasn't right, "First off: Liv, you're late. Second: What is that smell? Is that you?"

"You bet your ass it is."

"Did you forget to take a shower this morning?"

Before she said something, Fin and Amanda walked in the room and when they walked past her, it stopped them for a second. Amanda covered up her nose and backed the hell up from her as far as she could so she could say, "Damn, why do you stink so bad?"

"That's a good damn question." Fin added.

"Well let me explain: I was on my way to work but before I left, I decided to have a quickie with the guy I was with last night. One thing led to another and the son of a bitch started pissing on me. I was already late, so I didn't have time to remove the smell."

None of them couldn't believe what they were hearing. While Cragen and Amanda were locked in silence, Fin asked rhetorically, "Who were you with? R. Kelly?"

"I'm sick of men who do this!" She began ranting, "Just because some women are into golden showers, doesn't mean that all of us are! You know, I'm gonna start an awareness group that will help people know how degrading golden showers are."

"Oh this sounds interesting." Cragen remarked. Olivia wasn't finished right there though as she stood there thinking of a great name for her new organization and that's when she found one.

"I will name my new organization, 'Females Against Golden Showers'. It will be a great organization and hopefully, men will know not to piss on women."

None of them had anything to say.

* * *

_Nope._

While everyone was working hard and bored, Munch sat at his desk possibly thinking of the very usual he rants about each day. He stood there like some sort of rock, that of which caught Fin to take notice. But he simply walked away. Inside his head, he was thinking of a plan. A plan that will wow everybody in the precinct. A plan that will have people praise him. And he thought of the perfect plan.

Within moments, Munch jumped up onto his desk and started singing, "My milkshakes brings all the boys to the yard..."

While he pranced around making an ass of himself, the moment Fin laid his eyes on this, he walked right up to him, picked up the nearest thing and start hitting Munch with it while he cursed out, "Oh hell no!"

* * *

_Awkward_

"So everyone, I've noticed how you all haven't been taking any direction recently," said Steven Harris, the interim captain of SVU during a sit down, "I'm not sure if it's because I'm not Cragen, or that you find me to be a complete asshole. But things will change while your captain is gone, I told you all that when I first arrived and I'm saying it again. Understand?"

They all looked at him with glass eyes and agreed in unison, "Yes, captain."

"Great. I'm glad that you all understand. Now what do we have on this case?"

"So far, absolutely nothing." Olivia told him, while she ate a pint of chocolate ice cream.

"What the- are you eating ice cream during a meeting, Detective?"

Looking at he ice cream and then back at him, she answered, "Yes. What of it?"

Now when she was about to put another spoonful in her mouth, a bunch of it fell on her chest. More specifically, her breasts. "Damn it." she cursed out. While she reached for a tissue to clean herself up, Amanda got out of her chair and walked over to Olivia.

"No, allow me." She said to her, just as she started licking the cold chocolate ice cream off her chest. As she licked every part to assure that there was none left, Olivia stood there with no way to respond. When she was finished, she wiped away the rest off her lips where as Olivia looked over to the others, only to see the satisfied smiles on the faces of Fin, Nick and the captain. Munch however, never paid any attention.

"Now that's nice." Fin nodded.

"Agreed." Nick added.

* * *

**_If you are reading this, then Olivia just gave you cancer._ **

* * *

_I Will Stop..._

**Elliot**  - "I will stop beating people up."

 **Olivia**  - "I will stop trying to sell my brother on Craigslist."

 **Munch**  - "I will stop talking about Olivia behind her back."

 **Alex**  - "I will stop asking Fin for advice."

 **Amanda**  - "I will stop trying to literally eat Olivia."

 **Guess who?** \- "I will stop giving out back-alley hand jobs for a bottle of scotch."

 **Fin**  - "I will stop telling Munch that I saw a UFO."

 **Casey**  - "I will stop writing smutty fan-fiction about Alex and Olivia."

 **Melinda**  - "I will stop calling Huang 'Fruity the Dolphin'."

 **Kathy**  - "I will stop posting pictures of Elliot's ass on Tumblr."

 **Nick**  - "I will stop making bald jokes about Cragen."

 **Olivia (again)**  - "I will stop sending death threats to Dani Beck."

 **Dean Porter**  - "I will stop selling weed to my coworkers."

 **George**  - "I will stop quoting Spongebob during sex."

 **All the men Olivia had sex with**  - "We will stop selling Olivia's panties on Ebay."

 **SVU fandom**  - "We will stop sending death threats to Dick Wolf."

 **Dick Wolf** \- "I will stop trolling the SVU fandom."

* * *

" _Happy" Time_

Even though some of them had a job to do, the SVU detectives were brought in to help with something. And it was- to clean George's apartment before he moved away. It was a little hard to understand why he would go out of his way to ask them to help him even thought they haven't really spent any personal time with him at all, despite the years they worked together.

But let's count this as a favor, due to all the hard work in helping them albeit being useless in the end. It was simply Elliot, Olivia, Fin and Munch helping him pack up his crap and head straight to Oklahoma and personally, they were fine with him leaving. He has to do what the FBI tells him to do.

"Put that box next to the door that way I'll remember where it is." He told Fin while the rest of them tried to follow his directions carefully. "Elliot, don't put the glass dolls in with the vases."

"I can't believe we're helping Captain Obvious pack his crap." Olivia grinned, being the only one out of the four that doesn't want to be here.

"Well suck it up and let's get it over with." Elliot said, "Besides at least we're getting paid."

Olivia sighed while she made her way to the bedroom, more like his bedside dresser to be more specific. When she opened the first drawer, George came in from helping Munch to tell her, "Oh you can take care of the first couple drawers but don't touch the third one on the bottom, I'll get to that later."

She nodded a little as she got started but she saw this strange box under his bed, labeled "Happy Time". Very curious about it (even though it's none of her business), she asked him, "What's this?"

"Put it down." He ordered, in quite a stern tone. She did just that and as soon as she did, he took it but her curiosity was still smelling around.

"What in the box? And why is it labeled Happy Time?"

He stood his silence for a moment and replied, "Nothing."

He walked off without another word and Elliot really wished she would drop it but oh no, she decided to look down at the third drawer below. When Elliot need a second hoping that she isn't really gonna do it, she did it anyways. But then, all the emotion in her face drained away when she took a glance at what's inside and needless to say, she felt like vomiting.

Olivia quickly slammed it shut and got back up with a horrified look on her face, that caught Elliot's attention and so he asked, "What was in the drawer?"

"You don't wanna know."

* * *

_Paycheck, Paycheck_

After Elliot retired, he found out something that didn't please him or Kathy at all.

"Son of a bitch." He muttered, "Kathy, come in here real quick."

Although she was in the middle of dinner, she came to see what her husband wanted, "Yes, Elliot?"

"Look at this. According to this, I can't cash in on my pension for next three months."

"What? Why?"

"Seems to me that some cops are retiring to get paid, or it's the premiums after all the times I've got injured."

This was a very shaking problem for both of them and like him, Kathy wanted answers or at least a solution, "What the hell are you gonna do?"

"Why are you asking me? I don't know what we're gonna do for the next few months."

While Elliot tried to think of something to help pay the bills, without dipping into their savings and that's when it hit Kathy, "I think I know a way to make some money."

_One day..._

Inside a ladies' club (known otherwise as a strip club), a woman walked inside looking for some entertainment... and a drink. It seemed like a better use of her time than at her job. Anyways, she sat down close to the stage when they brought out the next stripper up ahead. Hopping out of the curtains booty first, he had himself a cowboy look; even if it was just a cowboy hat, boots and a thong. Now this woman was getting wet already, even if he's been on the stage for a few second.

While he was grinding the pole between the crack of his ass (no pun intended), he noticed the sensual stares coming from the fine lady. That and the wad of cash in her hand. Walking down over to her, he asked her:

"Would you like a lap dance, ma'am?"

"Sure."

After accepting the dozens of bills and putting it in his crotch, he asked her, "What's your name, baby?"

"Paula Foster. What's yours?"

Bending down to her ear, he whispered, "Peaches."

* * *

**End of Chapter Ten**

**Here's a little something for ya, since this was the tenth chapter, name your ten favorite segments/vignettes from the series. I'll be waiting for your choices.**


	11. Chapter 11

_*We interrupt the beginning of this story to give you an important message from Elliot.*_

**Elliot** _\- "Hey fine readers and a special thanks to everyone who has read the story from this point on. Please remember that it's always good to spread the word around, show your friends, all that stuff in particular. But the ones who have followed this story, we thank you. But that's not why I'm here. Why I'm here is because this chapter here is a little special. I was talking to Liv one day and I'm not sure how the conversation went but it somehow led to a holiday-themed chapter._

...Yes, this one will holiday-themed. Originally, we had a plan to do a late Halloween type thing but we didn't have enough ideas. But it's neat to say that this one is much better because we get to do all holidays so we don't have to bust our balls working on this crap later. So kindly sit back and enjoy a few laughs as we show you how we celebrate holidays. Seasons greetings and all that."

* * *

_Valentine's Day_

Inside the crazy ass precinct that carried the "superior" SVU detectives, it was Valentine's Day and they were all thinking of what they intended to do this year. You would have thought they had done this days in advance but the only thing they did plan in advance was the presents that they all expected to give to each other. What were they doing exactly? They were planning a party. As mentioned before, they should have done this days ago.

"Okay everyone," Olivia spoke out to her fellow detectives, "Who gonna play Cupid this year?"

"If I could, I recommended Fin to be Cupid this year." Munch suggested. Like the others, Fin didn't like it – at all.

"Why the hell do you want me to play Cupid? Does it look like I want to be in a diaper?"

While Munch and Fin argued about it, Olivia made her own suggestion, "You know, how about we just have Elliot do it again this year? He was good last time."

Unfortunately before anyone could express their feelings about it, Cragen came in a said, "Absolutely not. Do you remember the last time he played Cupid?"

_*Flashes back to when Elliot was Cupid*_

_He is dressed as Cupid (the usual attire), with a creepy look on his face and he said whilst holding a arrow, "Who wants to get stabbed by my love arrow?"_

_*End flashback*_

"Oh yeah. I forgot all about that." It all started coming back to her right there but then she also murmured to herself,  _"I wish Elliot jabbed me with his love arrow."_

* * *

_St Patrick's Day_

Today was none other than St. Patrick's Day, a day that's mainly for wearing green but known better for the drinking. Today was a busy day for the detectives so the only people who skipped work to go out drinking was Alex, Casey and George. Since nobody really gave a rat's ass if they left or not, they still saw it as an opportunity to get away from their line of work.

Currently, George and Casey were the only ones that has shown up at the crowded ass bar. And already, George was dancing like a stripper. Casey just sat there while he watched him shake his booty left, right or whichever area it was going. The interesting part was that she didn't even know he could dance like that.

… and she started thinking at it too,  _'Hmm? I should put him to work.'_

Then Alex arrived, wearing an all green suit and a shamrock necklace. The green suit itself was so impressive, it could piss off a leprechaun just by looking at it. But the green suit on Alex made her look like a  _businesswoman_ , if you know what that means.

"Hey, Casey." she greeted.

"What's up, Alex? Where have you been?"

"Just needed to go back to my office and finish up some things. What about you?"

"Well for the last ten minutes, I've seen Dr. Huang shake his stuff. Strange thing about it I didn't know he had 'stuff' to begin with."

"I'm not surprised, he's such a good dancer."

While Alex was thinking of all the times she's seen him dance, something didn't click with Casey. It could be and but it was, "What the hell are you wearing? You look like a pimp."

"Thank you so much. I thought it was a little too much when a midget flipped me off in the street."

* * *

_Thanksgiving_

The detectives decided that they will once again do a special pageant about the first Thanksgiving. It has always been a joy to watch and they've done it every year (except that one year when they had to work on some kidnapping case) and their families and victims that they've helped in the past has always loved the effort put in by them every year. But backstage was something else though.

"Alright, is everyone in costume?" Cragen yelled out (he was wearing a pilgrim costume) so that everyone could hear him.

"Yep, we are all in costume." Olivia replied, with glee. Or something. But the only person who had a problem with this was Munch – but it was nothing special as he has argued about his role for the longest.

"Why the hell am I always one of the Indians?"

"Because the role suits you quite well." Cragen explained to him, "Also it has something to do with Olivia's desire to 'kill the feather-wearing motherfuckers' every year."

Munch wasn't all to surprised, knowing her recent behavior. Fin, who was also a pilgrim, was laughing like he's never laughed before and Olivia stood there smiling. But nevertheless, Munch kept a watchful eye on her, especially after the time she attacked him with a switchblade on stage.

* * *

_Easter Sunday_

It's Easter. It's Easter and Olivia sure knows that it is. She happily skipped down the hallway to her desk, with smiles on her face and prepared to have such a great day. Why? Because Calvin is supposed to return to New York today to visit her. Aside from that, she was very cheerful that it's Easter; so happy that she had bunny ears on her head.

Munch sure did notice how happy she was today – and it scared him. So he had to find out what was up, "Liv, what the hell is wrong with you? Are you going through your 'lady moods' again?"

"Oh John, don't you know? It's Easter, the most wonderful time of the year behind Christmas and New Years." Olivia said with glee, "What about you? Don't you celebrate Easter?"

"No, I don't celebrate Easter."

And then all of a sudden, all the happiness she had drained out of her body in a matter of seconds. She walked over to Munch and said with a angry ass tone, "What do you mean you don't celebrate Easter?"

"Well, I'm Jewish. I celebrate Passover."

Olivia glared at him for as long as she could and muttered, "I hate you so much."

* * *

_Fourth (4th) of July_

_How To Barbeque Delicious Food, Southern Style: by Amanda Rollins._

" _This here is a foolproof technique that will give all your burgers, hot dogs, ribs, steak and any sort of meat that rich southern flavor for the Fourth of July. Back in Atlanta, my dad once thought of a great way to barbeque in less than twenty minutes. Now this is a little crazy in case you didn't know and as far as I'm concerned, you might go to jail if it backfires._

So here are the instructions, one by one. Follow them carefully, okay? Good."

_1 – Find your self a large charcoal grill. Because it must be large if you want it to work. Don't use propane grills. You'll learn why later."_

_2 – Purchase a large rack so you can put anything you desire to cook. Any meat can be used._

_3 – Get your charcoal ready._

_4 – Find a chainsaw. If you have one, then find the nearest tree and cut it down. You will need all the wood you can find. But if don't have a chainsaw, just find the biggest piece of wood you can find._

_5 – After you have your wood and charcoal, place them all inside the grill, in no particular order.'_

_6 – If you're thinking that you should use lighter fluid, then don't use it. You'll know what to use._

_7 – Spice your meats with lots of spices and if it's needed, brush 'em with barbeque sauce (add alcohol if you want)._

_8 – Remember when I said don't use lighter fluid? Use gasoline. You heard me right. Gasoline._

_9 – When you have your charcoal and wood ready, douse it all the gasoline. (It is also important that you do not put the rack in before you pour the gasoline.)_

_10 – Place the rack inside prepare your matches. (If I were you, I wouldn't use a lighter.)_

_11 – Step away from the grill, not as far as possible but close enough to throw the match._

_12 – Light a match and toss it into the grill. If you fail a few times, continue until you got it._

_13 – Run._

" _And that's how you do it! You will have to think of some way to get the meat out of the grill and don't be surprised if there's a huge explosion. So if you follow the instructions properly, then your food will come out all rich and delicious._

_Friendly reminder: Never attempt indoors._

_Another friendly reminder: You should probably never attempt this at all._

* * *

_Christmas_

Like many days, the detectives had to work – even on Christmas. While some of them went to be with family, they also had to investigate a spring of kids being touched by an unknown man at night when they're asleep. So there were a bunch of kids with their parents, the holiday season practically ruined for them. This has been no surprise for these detectives in the past but this guy usually attacks women around this time of year.

But things got incredibly dicey when they persuaded Cragen to help these poor children by dressing up as Santa and giving them presents; however, what they didn't anticipate was the kids suddenly got scared when they saw him dressed as Santa. The parents channeled it as they saw it, so they lunged and proceeded to beat the "living hell" out of him. It took half of the squad to get all those people off their captain. Olivia didn't understand why they started pinning the crimes on Cragen – but they weren't pinning on him – they were pinning it on Santa.

Not sure whenever he should laugh or just sit there and say nothing, Munch exclaimed, "In all my years at SVU, I've never seen someone in here get the crap beaten out of them like that."

Just like most of the detectives who saw it happen, Amanda was also trying to find some answers as well, "I don't get it. Are those people accusing our captain?"

"I have a feeling that these kids were really telling us who to look for." Olivia answered, referring that the suspect was wearing a Santa costume. Well that narrows down the search.

* * *

_Halloween_

It was Halloween night when they decided to throw a Halloween party at the precinct. While many were dressed up, some of them were out working instead to check on pedophiles to make sure they weren't violating their parole. But the ones who weren't out working, were having a good time. Good refreshments, interesting costumes, scary ass music – the basics.

Nick and Olivia, who were dressed as a pirate and bunny respectively, were sitting around one of the desks as Olivia waited for someone to show up to the party but was also wonder where the others were. She looked around and saw someone with knight armor and that's when she realized that it was...

"Elliot!" She called over. He walked over her way and the two shared a hug. She was seriously determined to keep this hug going forever.

"Hey, Liv. It's been so long since I've seen you."

As they exchanged greetings, Nick was the only one who didn't know what was going on. Before he could even ask Olivia, she would introduce her former partner with her current one; as such, "Oh yeah, Nick. This is Elliot Stabler, my old partner. And Elliot this is my new partner, Nick Amaro."

"Nice to meet you. I heard some interesting things about you." He said to Elliot.

"Yeah, I've heard things too. But what the fuck are you wearing?" Elliot replied, "You look like a butt pirate."

"No I'm not. I'm dressed as Captain Morgan." He explained but neither didn't know who that was, "You know, the guy on the vodka?"

"Oh yeah. That's gay."

Then finally, Cragen walked out of his office when he saw Elliot so he could say his hello and inevitably his goodbye. His costume was probably the most interesting out of them all – and by interesting, he was dressed as Chewbacca.

"Captain, what in god's name are you wearing?" Olivia asked.

"I should be saying the same thing to  _you_. Just what the hell are you supposed to be?"

"I'm a bunny rabbit!"

Turning away from her, Elliot muttered, "More like a Playboy bunny."

"What did you say?"

Elliot took a couple steps away from her and replied, "Nothing."

* * *

_**We now interrupt this story for a special message.**_

**Elliot (once again)**  - "Hey everyone, welcome back. I hope you enjoyed this special holiday-themed special of ours. And if we missed some, then please note that we don't really give a shit. We hope that you enjoyed it and hopefully, we'll see you some other holiday. Thanks for reading and have a Merry Christmas or Happy Thanksgiving or whatever fucking holiday is next."

* * *

**End of Chapter Eleven**


	12. Chapter 12

" _Pretty" Woman_

Another common day for the detectives of the  _Special Victims Unit_ making it another pointless and same old day for all of them. While they did their jobs, boring at that, an Asian woman at a very similar height walks into the precinct. In their heads, they thought it was another woman out to report a rape. Or a prostitute; if you're inside Munch's head of course.

"Something that we can do for you?" Elliot asked, in a nonchalant tone.

"Guys do you recognize me?" she told them, thought none of them knew what she was talking about.

"Um... should we?"

"Everyone it's me, Dr. Huang!"

Then they all dropped what they were doing and looked at him/or her, in disbelief. They couldn't believe how amazing he (now she) looked and they tried to find the words to express how they feel about her right now. How  _she_  had long black hair compared to  _his/her_  former haircut is a mystery even for them.

Olivia looked up and down at her and asked with a curious tone, "So... you're a woman now?"

"Yes, I am."

"Aw damn it! Now I'm not the sexiest one anymore." she cursed out. None of them didn't know what she was talking about.

"What do you mean you're not the sexiest one anymore? What's that supposed to mean?"

"I mean look at him. He's got long hair and bigger tits. Are you sure you got a sex change or did Alex shoot you with her  _sex changing gun_?"

George (or whatever he calls himself now) pouted with those new cheekbones of his/her's and said, "Why should I tell you how I became a woman?"

"Goddamn, even his voice changed." Munch thought out loud; then asked, "So what do you call yourself now?"

"My new name is  _Georgia Huang_."

They all stood in silence and blank stares, first they thought about laughing but they all felt that it would hurt her self-esteem by laughing. Meanwhile, Cragen walked out of his office to see the new and improved Huang. Like them earlier, he was relatively confused by what was going on.

He walked over to her and asked, "Who the hell is this person?"

"Captain, it's me! Dr. Huang."

He took a good look and simply left it at that. How? By walking away, that's how.

* * *

_Where Did You Go?_

In the SVU headquarters, there was a change of scenery believe it or not. For one, Alex was now a part of SVU; by that, she was now a detective. How that happened is still something that everybody is trying to figure out because there is a long road to become a detective. Like being a cop for one. In addition, she was no longer a blonde but rather, a brunette. Speaking of brunettes, Olivia was no longer working there. Where she went is also a mystery.

With an "odd four" combination of Elliot, Alex, Munch and Fin, things have been very great. Well actually it's been more stable than great.

"Three months on the force and somehow you're doing a better job than us." Elliot said to Alex.

"Well I guess I'm a natural." Alex smiled, "Turns out being an ADA wasn't really a job I was cut out for."

"I liked it better when you were an ADA." Fin told her. Interestingly enough, he was right.

Meanwhile, Munch was walking back in towards them and he just happened to hear what they were saying, so he went and shouted out to them, "Speaking of which, guess who I found standing in the elevator?" They looked behind him and was surprised when they saw it was Casey Novak.

"Ah, Casey. It's nice to see you again." Fin greeted.

"Great to see you all as well." she smiled back at them.

Elliot turned around in his desk chair and asked her an important question, "Where the hell did you disappear to, Casey? We haven't seen in a while."

"I am very inclined to tell you," She replied, but turned her eyes over to Alex, "But first, what is up with Alex?"

"What's up with me? The fact that I'm now a detective, or that I'm now a brunette?" she questioned.

"Wait? You're a cop now?"

"Yes. I'm inclined to tell you, if you tell us where you've been."

She took a good amount of time first then told them, "Well if you want to know, I just spent the last six months in a mental hospital."

They all looked at her in a state of disbelief and immediately wanted answers. Alex being one of them to ask, "You were in a mental hospital?"

"Oh yeah."

"How the hell did that happen?" Fin asked her.

"Well it's a long story. About six months ago, St. Patrick's Day to be exact, I really went off the deep end. To start, I started drinking and smoking weed and drugs and booze do not mix if you're this big girl right here. That same night, I lost my keys and slept in a dirty alley with homeless people where one of them successfully managed to steal the clothes right off my body and switched it with theirs. Next thing I know, I go crazy like throwing tumbleweeds inside a Subway's, scaring people in the street and had angry public rants with my imaginary friend or so I thought."

"Whoa." Elliot and Alex said in unison.

"Oh it gets worse. To top it all, I bite a cop in the neck and suddenly the pigs go after me. I thought I got away from them when I jumped on a griffin but turns out I was sitting on two trash cans, flapping my arms up and down. They caught me. But luckily, I happened to catch a break. Instead of jail time, I was sentenced to six months in the nut hut. Fortunately, my record was sponged when I made outstanding progress in there.."

"So instead of prison or better yet rehab, you get six months in an mental hospital?" Elliot inquired.

"Yep. I also did some other crazy shit, like for one, a three-legged dog came up behind me and proceeded to hump my ass as I slept so I humped him back. Hard too."

They all looked at her and thought to themselves about how far off the edge she could go. The good thing is that she didn't tell them all the details. While that was out of the way, Casey noticed someone was missing so after looking around, she asked, "So question: Where is Liv?"

"She offed herself last month. Tragic." Munch answered her.

"No she didn't, John." Cragen walked in and shouted, "The feds went and took her almost four months ago. As in, she was drafted by the FBI."

"Again? Is she working undercover?"

"Nope." Elliot replied, "They hired her as a special agent."

"Oh and Huang is now a woman." Munch added.

"So Alex dyed her hair and now works as a detective, Olivia now works for the FBI and Huang is now a woman? Yeah. Looks like I didn't miss much."

"Welcome back." Alex smiled and shrugged.

* * *

_You Are Very Lonely, Aren't You?_

To commemorate more than three months working as a detective, Alex decided to set up shop in the precinct to cook her friends a tasty chicken dinner with all the trimmings. Now they weren't sure if she knew how to cook but they rather not break her spirit and eat her cooking. All they can hope for is that it's good.

Alex waited thirty minutes after taking the chicken out of the oven. But when she came back for it, she realized it was missing. "Where's my chicken?" she murmured, then yelled, "Where's my goddamn chicken!?"

Walking over to her to see what she wanted was Fin and he asked, "What do you want, Alex?"

"What happened to my roast chicken? It was right here when I left it."

"I don't know, there's a dog walking around this place perhaps he took it." he told her whist scratching his head, "But perhaps someone else knows where it is."

"You better be right." Alex said angrily, strutting in a pissed off way. The first person they looked for was Munch, essentially because he was the only one missing.

"Hey Elliot, where's Munch? I need to ask him something." Fin asked him."

"Last time I saw him, he was sneaking in the bathroom with something in his jacket." he answered. And so they walked to the men's bathroom to go and talk to him, but then as soon as they walked in, they were introduced to a horrible sight.

Upon walking into the bathroom, they immediately find Munch with his pants down, having "passionate" sex with the chicken. Alex's jaw dropped in horror and Fin felt like vomiting right then and there. It took him less than a minute to notice the horrified looks on their faces. When he finally did, he was intensely startled.

"Munch, what the fuck are you doing?" Alex yelled out.

"What does it look like I'm doing? Now can I have some privacy?"

Fin looked at him then the chicken and said in a stern tone, "Well at least it's kosher."

Alex turned her head over to him and glared at him while Munch gave him a thumbs up. As soon as she stopped, she walked right over to Munch and yanked the chicken right out out of his hands. Almost simultaneously, a dog walks right into the bathroom with them and bites Alex right in the wrist and the canine would not let go. When Alex managed to yank her arm out of the dog's mouth (with the help of Fin), the dog one ups them by stealing the chicken and sprinting off with it.

"My chicken!" she shouted, chasing the animal.

"My woman!" Munch also shouted and  _then_  chased after the dog too. Fin just stood there, trying to get the image of Munch's ass out of his head. Right as he was about to leave, he notices Kathy standing there with a video camera.

"Wait? Aren't you Elliot's wife?"

"Sure am!" she smiled.

* * *

_Name Calling_

Another day in the precinct, another day it was. They were working with the exception of the four detectives who where messing with something hazardous, they had no idea what it was and probably they shouldn't be messing with it at all. Until Cragen stormed out of his office and was searching for a certain someone.

"Elliot! Over here. Now!" he yelled out; Elliot didn't have much of a choice.

"Yes, captain?"

"Can you explain why our suspect is suing the department for violating his amendment rights?"

"Not really."

"What the hell did you do?" he questioned, "His lawyer is claiming that you illegally searched his apartment? Did you even have a search warrant?"

"Yes, Novak got it for us."

Hearing the argument, Olivia corrected that fact, "Actually, she called and said no judge would sign it for her. She tried to call us but our phones were in the car."

"So you searched the apartment without a search warrant?"

"It's not like I knew and did it anyways." Elliot defended himself, while meanwhile Olivia accidentally lit herself on fire, "How was I supposed to know she didn't come up with a search warrant?"

"Well you better listen up: You are in deep mess this time and you better go straight up to IAB and explain yourself. If you don't clear this up, I will not hesitate to fire you. Do you understand me, detective?"

Despite Olivia screaming and running all over the place, with Munch and Fin trying to help her, it didn't matter at all to Cragen or Elliot. In fact, he would reply, "Yes, captain."

As he walked away, he then muttered, "Shaft head."

"What did you say!?"

"I said Liv is on fire." he replied apathetically. Cragen turned around and noticed Munch and Fin trying to put her out. Munch thought it would be brilliant by beating the crap out of her with a stick in hopes to put out the fire. That is...

"Oh shit! The stick is on fire!"

* * *

_New Years at SVU_

In New York City, New Year's Eve is perhaps the biggest event in the city. Usually, SVU doesn't celebrate at work especially not after the "firework" accident six years ago. But Elliot and Olivia invited everybody they worked with to head on over to the precinct for New Year's Eve so they all could celebrate together.

It wasn't even 11:59 and most of them were already drunk. Olivia was the most wasted out of everyone, usually she doesn't drink as much but holidays brings out the worse in her. She was like HBO yet far more explicit and at the same time, was even less tolerable yet amusing.

She walked (or wobbled) over to Elliot and asked him, "Hey, El? How about when it hits midnight, we kiss?"

"I don't know, Liv." he responded, "I don't think my wife would like that if she found out."

"Go for it." said a distant, yet familiar voice. They turned around and almost pissed themselves when they saw Kathy sitting casually on one of the desks.

That's when Fin noticed something wrong, "Where the hell does she keep coming from?"

_ 11:59 pm _

_5... 4... 3... 2... 1... The clock hit midnight._  And thus everybody celebrated, drank some more while they celebrated and some of them kissed. Speaking of kissing, Olivia went to search for Elliot to get her midnight kiss. Clearly she had her beer goggles on so whoever she grabbed, she thought it was Elliot. Or maybe it was? Either way, she tongue lashed him between thirty seconds and one minute.

However, it confirmed that it was not Elliot. In fact, he was with his wife kissing her. After she separated the kiss, her vision got better that meant she could see the lucky recipient. That lucky recipient would happen to be no one else but Alex. As soon as she realized it was her that she french kissed, Olivia shrieked and ran off. Alex however, could've been happier.

"Something tells me that this year will better." Alex smirked. This will be something she'll hold against her for a long time.

* * *

**End of Chapter Twelve**


	13. Chapter 13

_When You're Bored and You Know It..._

Sitting at her desk trying to get at least a fraction of her work done, Amanda toyed around with anything that was in her sight. Twirling a pencil, tapping a pen against her desk, whistling joyful tunes even though she was bored out of her mind. Even so, she tried to talking to someone; unfortunately everyone in the precinct thinks she's annoying and stupid (even though she is considerably bright).

She swerved her desk chair over to Fin who was working on his stuff. Out of the blue she moaned, "I'm so bored, Fin."

"What do you want me to do about it?" He replied, not making any eye contact with Amanda.

"Well you could suggest something. Because I can't get this stuff done at all, I need something to clear my head."

"It's procrastination, Mandy. All you can do is get over it."

Hearing Fin called her that irritated her but she had enough inside her to keep most of it in but show her displeasure, "What did I say about calling me that? Besides, it's not procrastination. So just give me any idea you can come up with."

"Anything?"

"Yeah. Anything that comes to mind." Amanda agreed.

Fin thought about it for a minute or two, since she was so desperate to get her mind together he had this one suggestion. It was crazy, possibly dangerous and was not sure if they could actually do it. But he went right ahead and said...

"How about you wrestle a pig?"

"Are you sayin' that because I'm from the South, or you're suggesting that I wrestle one of these guys in uniform?"

"Not sure the captain wants you to wrestle the unis. So a pig is your best option."

Even though she didn't like the idea, she could say that she disagreed. But in her case, she was more than willing to try anything. "Okay then. You find a pig and I'll wrestle it."

"Okay then, I will."

And so he walked out of his chair and off to try and find a pig. But finding a pig in New York wasn't easy and long story short, Fin had no idea what he got himself into.

_To be continued..._

* * *

_One Condition_

For the longest time, Elliot has had a special kind of feeling for Alex. He couldn't really explain it very well nor understand how he developed a crush on the same woman that usually up in his ass (not literally). But it wasn't a simple crush. In fact, he actually wanted one thing from her yet has never asked. But one day, he decided to go to her and ask.

Knocking on her open door, he looked inside and said, "Hello? Alex?"

"Elliot, come in." Alex greeted, waving him inside her office. He walked in and took a seat because this will take some convincing, "Haven't seen you in a while. So what do you need?"

"Alex... this is hard for me to ask but I'll come out with it." It took him a moment or two to actually say it so he finally came out with it, "Could I have sex with you?"

Those words alone caught Alex off-guard and left her trying to come up with an answer. Inevitably, she spoke out, "Wow. Well... I suppose so."

"Okay great." Elliot smiled, getting up to 'get the party started'. That was until...

"But..." Alex stopped him right on his tracks, "I have one condition."

"Fine what is it?"

Alex showed no hesitation with her request, "Invite Olivia to the bedroom with us."

"What? Olivia?" He exclaimed.

"You got a problem with that?"

If Elliot was gonna get what he wanted, then he needed to make sure Alex got what she wanted. "Sure. I'll ask Liv. But I can't guarantee anything."

Back at the precinct, Elliot went there hoping that Olivia would be there. Obviously, she was there sitting at her desk; unlike him, she was doing paperwork. Elliot stood behind her thinking of a way to approach her with his question. Olivia sat at her desk for more than ten minutes without being aware of the fact Elliot was behind her.

Finally he says something to her, "Olivia, do you wanna have sex?"

Slowly, she turned her over to Elliot with a gleeful expression on her face, answering, "Well yes I do."

"Great. Very great."

Then Olivia suddenly got very eager, trying to take him somewhere to do the deed. "Come on, El! Let's find a place. Ooh, how about the utility closet?"

"Liv! You didn't let me finish." He explained to her, "Was trying to say would you like to have sex with me  _and_  Alex?"

"Oh." You could clearly hear the disappointment and displeasure in her tone when she heard Alex was in the mix. "You know what? I'll do it... but on one condition."

"Okay, what do you want?"

"Well first of all, I feel comfortable sleeping with a married man. So I want you to ask your wife if you could do this."

 _Now at Elliot's home_ , he went to his wife Kathy and told her his intentions to have a threesome with Alex and Olivia. He took a little while to explain himself to her and she was all ears sitting on the couch until he finally asked if he could go ahead with it. She stood in silence, but she didn't look betrayed, wanting to cry or even agitated. She stood there with no expression.

"So you're trying to have a threesome with two women you work with and ask me if I'm okay with it?"

"That is a summary of what I'm saying."

She and Elliot exchanged glances for a bit til Kathy told him, "Sure. Of course you can."

So far, he was three out of three and hopefully, this was it. "Oh great. I thought you would say no."

"But! I have one condition." she finished, "If my husband is gonna have sex with two women, then I'm gonna get something out of it."

 _'Aw shit.'_  he said in his head, "What do you want?"

"You know that black detective you work with?"

"What do you mean Fin?" he inquired.

"Oh that's his name? Good. I want you to convince your friend to have sex with me?"

"You want to have sex with Fin?"

"If you want that threesome, then I suggest you convince him."

Knowing that he can't have it no other way, he had no other choice to go to Fin.  _Now once again back at the precinct_ , he went searching for Fin in hopes that he could persuade him into having sex with his wife. Easily he knew this was gonna be difficult.

"Hey Fin, can I ask you something?" Elliot told him.

"What do you want?"

"I need you to have sex with Kathy." He asked him. Technically.

"You mean your wife? I'll do her... but on one condition."

"Oh no. What do you need?" he asked. Suddenly he got sick of those words.

"I want my damn car back from Munch."

"So where is he?"

"Right here, my friend." Munch spoke out. Conveniently, he was sitting not too far from Fin.

"John, give back his car."

"Not until I get my atlases back."

Suddenly this became a lot more difficult. To try and set peace, he went to Fin and told him, "Give him back his books."

"He doesn't have them." he explained to Elliot, "He gave them to Casey."

"You gave them to her? So that means I have to go to Casey to get Munch's shit back?"

They both nodded. This became a pain in his round ass and obviously, he doesn't want any of this. He could've given up but since he was too deep into this already, he might as well finish what he started. Who know how long this may escalate.

 _And so_ , Elliot now found himself inside Casey's office to please Munch and then Fin. To make matters worse, she wasn't even there. So for the next forty minutes, he sat in front of her desk impatiently waiting for her to come back. And in the time she was away, he stood there with nothing more than a blank, irritated look on his face. Finally, she came back after at least an hour and was surprised to see Elliot there.

She walked back to her desk chair and asked him, "Is there something I can do for you?"

"Yes you can." he replied; just by the tone of his voice you knew he was in a bad mood, "I want Munch's atlases."

"Sorry I need them for something." She declined but she had one solution, "I'll give them to you. On one condition."

Elliot literally cringed when he heard those words uttered once again. Rather than taking out his frustration out on her, he said, "What do you want me to do?"

"Well, Melinda has this large stuffed dinosaur that I want and she refuses to give it to me."

"I think I know what to do."

Right now Elliot is on the verge of a breakdown; chiefly due to his impatience and having to drive all over the place in order to get what he wants. Like everything, he sucked it up and went to confront Melinda to possibly end this. To keep this from escalating any further, Elliot had a plan to trick the medical examiner.

"Hello, Elliot." Melinda greeted, while she was performing an autopsy, "What do you need? I'm in the middle of something important."

"Well my little boy's birthday is coming up soon and I want to give him a special gift this year." he explained, while keeping a straight, 'honest' face, "I'm thinking of something big and stuffed."

"Oh little Eli? Sure I know exactly what you'll want. Just let me finish here."

He sat outside waiting for Melinda to finish digging around in some guy (no pun intended), as soon as she was finished, she came out with a large, green stuffed dinosaur. You could only imagine the happy look on his face. He reached out back to get his wallet and asked her:

"So how much for it?"

"Tell you what? I'll give it to you for free, if I get to see the look on his face when he gets it."

"Sure thing."

And like that, Melinda gave the stuffed dinosaur to Elliot which then he gave to Casey, in exchange for the atlas books that he would return to Munch so he'll give Fin his car back. How Munch managed to take his car was still a mystery but all things aside, Fin lived up to his side of the agreement and decided to have sex with Kathy. That also means he receives her approval to participate in a threesome which he has longed for.

To save time (and gas), he brought Alex, Fin and Olivia to his home so they can all get it over with. But in a shocking twist, before Elliot could take his ladies to the master bedroom, Kathy successfully managed to drag Fin inside before they could have a chance.

And thus, he'll have to wait a little longer.

* * *

_It's Cold Inside_

It was late December, there was heavy snow falling and inside the SVU precinct and more importantly the captain's office, Cragen sat at his desk with at least nine coats on at the same time because of how cold it was. Normally, this wasn't problem at all if not for one clearly noticeable thing.

Storming out of his office, he saw the office blanketed in snow and he needed to know why. But by looking up at the ceiling, he knew where the snow was coming from. The only problem is: there  _is no_  ceiling, let alone a roof.

"Okay, I'm gonna say this the best way I can." he calmly said to his detectives, until he yelled out, "Where's the goddamn roof!?"

Munch and Fin were sitting casually at their desks, when Fin answered him, "Oh yeah. We got a call from the bosses. Apparently, they ripped the roof off the building and sold it to save extra money. Seems to me they didn't think we needed it."

"Is that where all this snow is coming from?" Amanda inquired.

"Where do you think it came from? Is there a snow machine around here?"

"Oh now I get it." she nodded, "That explains why Liv has her hands down her blouse and pants."

"Yeah, that- uh..." Olivia stammered, slowly sliding her hand out of her blouse, "That has something to do with it."

* * *

 _'Work'-_ stuck

At work, they were investigate a rape/homicide by some strange group. When Elliot, Munch and Fin went to Cragen to it, he needed to summarize this for some clarification, "So there is a group of kids calling themselves, 'The Lost Lobos'?"

"Yeah. For some reason they think it's cool." Munch told him, "It's actually Spanish for wolf. Or something."

He couldn't care less about the name and all he cared about is them doing their jobs, "Fin, you and Alex pick them up. Elliot, John, I'm assuming that a few of them will run so back them up."

"Got it, captain." Fin replied, then went to get his pseudo-partner. The only thing is he had no idea where she was. "Where's Alex?"

"Right here." Alex answered, with a faint tone in her voice. When the three approached her, she had a froze look on her face, her hands deep in her own scalp. It looked as thought she hasn't slept all night; in fact they weren't sure if she even left her desk at all.

"Alex, what is the matter with you?" Elliot asked, heavy with concern.

"I've been reading this comic called  _Homestuck_."

They all had no idea what that even was. Given that Alex knows, Munch asked her, "What the hell is Homestuck?"

"It's this web-comic I came across yesterday." she explained. Her eyes were twitching, it looked as if she hadn't blinked since yesterday either, "It is strange, colorful, interesting but mainly stupid, yet its so addicting. I spent all night and morning reading it and I'm trying not to finish it. But I want to know what's next."

The three detectives backed away slowly from Alex. From the looks of this, they wanted nothing to do with this situation.

* * *

_I Will Stop... (#2)_

**Elliot**  - "I will stop intentionally getting Olivia's dates' sick."

 **Munch**  - "I will stop throwing magnets at the unis."

 **Amanda**  - "I will stop stealing Munch's lunches. (He he. That rhymed)"

 **Casey**  - "I will stop giving Captain Cragen a set of combs for Christmas."

 **Cragen**  - "I will stop practicing voodoo in hopes that Olivia gets run over by horses."

 _ **Chester Lake**_  - "I will stop eating things that I find on the floor."

 **Nick**  - "I will stop crank calling Rollins in the middle of the night."

 **Melinda**  - "I will stop using corpses to scare people."

 **Kathy**  - "I swear I will stop posting naked photos of Elliot on Tumblr. (And I mean that shit)."

 **Fin**  - "I will stop booty calling Melinda while we're at work."

 **Munch (again)**  - "I will stop booty calling Fin when we're off-duty."

 **George**  - "I will stop quoting Scarface during sex (Kinda got screwed on that one)."

 **Alex**  - "I will stop pissing in the captain's coffee. Oh and convincing John to yell out, 'JFK IS STILL ALIVE! BIGFOOT IS REAL!'."

 **Olivia**  - "I will stop trying to convince Elliot that Eli isn't his."

 **Dick Wolf**  - "Remember when I said I was gonna stop trolling the SVU fandom? I lied." *troll face*

* * *

_The conclusion to "When You're Bored and You Know It..."_

It took Fin almost all day to actually find a pig. And when Amanda saw him walk back in the precinct with a dog carrier, she knew that this would be incredible. Even with a pig by his side, Fin still didn't know what he had got himself into. Neither of them exchanged any words, only Fin releasing the pig was enough "words" for both of them.

Instead of going right at Amanda, the pig wound up running around randomly around the precinct. Suddenly, this went from a wrestle match to  _catch a pig_. All Fin could do was shrug and walk back to his desk and right back to work. From the view from his desk, he watched Amanda chase after a pig for fifteen minutes. He thought of assisting her, but this was too funny to him.

Eventually, she caught the pig. Sort of. She actually ended up riding the animal; trying to avoid busting up her stitches, she held on. In no time at all, Amanda actually begun to enjoy the ride. While she rode the pig all across the place, Nick and Olivia walked in to see the southern belle riding a farm animal. Needless to say, they walked away as if they didn't see anything.

Then Cragen walked out of his office just to see her go right past him. To make sure he wasn't drinking again, he asked Fin, "Was that a-"

"Yep." He answered/interrupted him.

* * *

**End of Chapter Thirteen**


	14. Chapter 14

**Olivia**  - "Hello, SVU fans. It has been so long since we've seen you all. How are you doing? Done anything? Does my hair still look good? These are actual questions that I expect you to answer. Now one day, I did a little digging into the "fan-fiction archive" and found some very decent and some great stories. Some stand out, others aren't that different from one another. So that led to this idea of ours. Seeing you guys "ship" us with each other not only freaked me out but intrigued me. So we decided to do this for you all.

We're gonna illustrate multiple relationships, some well known and others unknown – and parody each one. Now understand that if we missed one, then we probably didn't think about it. Anyways, enjoy this special edition of  _SVU In A Nutshell."_

* * *

_After Hours (Alex Cabot and Casey Novak)_

Inside an empty courtroom late at night, there were some giggling, sudden kicking around and some off-burst laughs coming from the bench (the place where the judge normally sits). Behind the bench causing the noises were Alex and Casey, gradually enjoying themselves. The two spent no more than fifteen minutes kissing and touching each other, trying to set the right mood.

Separating another wet kiss, Casey said to her, "You're right. It is spontaneous to have sex behind the bench."

Alex placed a finger on her full lips and whispered, "Shh. You don't want the guards to hear us, right?"

She nodded and let Alex continue work her way down on her. While she was nearly below her abdomen, she had a remarkable idea. "Hey, I got an idea. Do you know where the gavel is?"

Alex gasped, "You don't think-"

"Yes. We should." she interrupted. Alex and Casey exchanged smirks while Alex reached up and picked up the gavel that casually sat in its place.

* * *

_Mixed Up (John Munch and Fin Tutuola)_

Fin wasn't the kind to go on blind dates – in fact, he  _never_  went on blind dates for no particular reason. But in this case, Elliot and Olivia managed to convince him to do it albeit days of convincing; and since he had nothing else planned this evening, he decided to see what kind of lady that they managed to pick up for him.

He sat at the table, it marked thirty minutes since he got there and his date still hasn't arrived. But then as he was looking around the restaurant, he noticed a familiar face walking by. It was Munch, his current and longtime partner on the job. He thought he was also her for a blind date, needless to say he was right... when he arrived at his table.

"Fin? What the hell are you doing here?" He asked. Like him, he was also unaware of what was going on.

"I should say the same about you. I'm here waiting for my blind date."

Munch found something (cat)fishy about this whole thing. "Wait? Was Liv and Elliot the ones that set you up on a blind date?" he inquired.

"Yeah. Why?"

"Those jerks did the same thing to me!" he told him. In actuality, neither Elliot or Olivia plan anything like this. All Fin could do was shake his head, as he knew something like this would eventually happen. Before Munch could say anything else, Fin had a resolution to this "mix up".

"You know, how about we forget about it and just have a nice dinner. I mean we're already here, why not take a load off?" The sometimes emotion-less detective suggested.

Upon hearing those words, he changed gears and agreed, "You're right. Let's enjoy a good night out. We'll take of El and Liv tomorrow."

"Fine with me." They sat down and they took a look at the menus. Both of them felt like they should clarify something, and that was...

"Just so you know, this is not a date."

* * *

_Submissive (Amanda Rollins and Olivia Benson)_

_On one clear evening – a quiet evening to be precise, Amanda Rollins walked into Olivia Benson's apartment for the very first time. It felt a bit special for her to be invited by the woman she looks up to, although her place was no different from her own. Not a lot of time has gone by since she transferred her to New York, so there were things she need to get used too. All that aside... the much older detective had a reason for bring this young detective to her home._

_With no hesitation, she slowly begun to make her move. Olivia walked up behind her, placing her hands on Amanda's shoulders. She felt something quite odd with this situation, but gave no hesitation. Amanda let out a slight chuckle as Olivia rubbed her shoulders slowly. And that when she led her into her bedroom._

_Gearing towards pushing her on the bed, Olivia whispered, "Tell me, do you idolize me?"_

_Amanda had no reason to lie to her so she replied, "Well, yes. I should say I admire you."_

" _Does that mean that you'll do what I say?" she inquired, then followed it by lightly biting her ear._

" _Whatever you say. So what do you want?"_

_As she reached her hand upon Amanda's chest, she answered, "I want you."_

_Believe it or not, Amanda was excited when she heard those words come out of the brunette's lips; and speaking of lips, she turned around and took Olivia's face for a kiss. But Olivia had other plans for the blonde detective. She said nothing but placed her finger over her lips, stopping her. Olivia looked up and down at her and let out a mischievous grin, then said to her:_

" _Oh no. You have to work for it."_

_She was confused by her words, in which she asked, "What do you want me to do for it?"_

_At that point, Olivia put her hands back on Amanda's shoulders, pushed her down and ordered, "Get on your knees. You and I are gonna have some fun."_

Turning away from the computer screen, Detective Nick Amaro took a moment to rub his eye lids before he asked, "So, how was that for a beginning?"

Accompanying him was Fin, Munch and Cragen, who were all trying to comprehend what they just heard. The mental image of it was not only intriguing, but incredibly frightening. After a minute of trying to give him an answer, Cragen became the first to respond by saying:

"Wow. That just fucked my head."

"Well congratulations, Nick." Fin began berating him (sort of), "You just skull-fucked the captain with your story."

To add his own commentary on the story as well as some positivity, Munch told Nick, "That was good. Just don't let Liv and Amanda see it."

* * *

_The Princess, The Knight and the Lazy Dragon (Elliot Stabler and Olivia Benson)_

"Help me." Princess Olivia cried out up above from the tower, where she was being held prisoner, "Save me from the dragon."

Down below was Elliot, the noble knight who all he could hear was the cries from the damsel in distress. Equipped with his powerful sword, trusty shield and his secret weapon – his buns of steel, he headed directly for the tower where he would be confronted by the evil dragon (in actuality, the dragon was only Casey Novak in a dragon costume).

He was highly prepared to fight the dragon, if she wasn't sitting in a chair, reading the sports section in the newspaper. This sort of taken the thrill out of a potential life-threatening battle, as all he could do was walk over to the dragon and possibly walk right past her.

"Hmm, the Yankees won." said the dragon, when Elliot shook the newspaper to get her attention, "Huh? What do you want?"

Elliot raised his sword high in the air and gave her a proclamation, "I will save the princess from your evil trenches."

"That made absolutely no sense at all. But okay then." The dragon went back to reading her newspaper. For some strange reason, Elliot didn't know what else to do at this point. He thought about walking in and getting the princess, but it wouldn't feel right without a fight.

"So you're not gonna try to stop me?"

"Ehh. I'd rather read about the Patriots. So far, their the best team in the NFL."

"The best? What do you mean by the best? If any team is the best, it's the Jets." Elliot argued. It seems as though he might have found a fight.

"The Jets? Come on, their offense was terrible last season and they didn't make the playoffs. The Pats however, actually made it in with their star quarterback."

Meanwhile, Princess Olivia sat by the window, waiting for someone to come along. For the last five minutes, she repeatedly said "Help me.", but to no avail. At some point, she eventually gave up all together. Now, she's sitting there, waiting for her knight in shining armor to finally show up. However...

"If the Patriots are the best team, then why couldn't they beat the Ravens? Less alone win a Super Bowl." he continued to argue with the dragon.

"At least we won more Super Bowls than your shitty team ever has."

"Screw you, I'm gonna go save the princess."

"Fine then, won't make the Jets a better team." He wanted to go back and kill her, but he swallowed up his anger and rushed up the stairs to save the princess. The stairs were so damn long, it took Elliot a whole hour to fully climb. After that, he was exhausted.

"Ugh..." Olivia groaned, as she continued to wait. Which at this point started to irritate her. Until Elliot came in, announcing his arrival. But the only words this princess had to say to him was, "Took you long enough! How long were you gonna make me wait? An entire year?"

"Sorry. Got into this heated argument, plus the stairs were long as hell." he explained, taking breaks just so he could breath.

She couldn't care less about how why he took that long just as long as he got there. Olivia walked up to him and smiled, "Well thank you, noble knight. You deserve some sex."

"Sex? Why not a kiss?"

"Too played out. Besides, you don't know how long I've been craving the letter D. So let's get out of here."

Elliot carried his princess down the stairs, which took at least another hour. Midway through, he let her down and walked the rest of the way. After completing the flight of stairs a second time, Elliot picked up the princess once again and carried her from then on.

As they walked away from the dragon, who not even tried to stop them, said as he walked away, "Jets still sucks."

"I will destroy you!"

* * *

_Treasure Hunting (Alex Cabot and Olivia Benson)_

After a hard day of work, Alex and Olivia spend the night at Olivia's place, as their type of date. They did nothing but watch movies and make out during most of them. As things began to heat up, Alex felt like something was incredibly missing in their relationship; like there was a certain kind of spark that was missing. Though she didn't want to say it, she strongly felt like she should address it anyhow.

"Olivia, stop. I need to talk." Alex told her, pushing the horny brunette away.

She was highly concerned because if she is not in the mood, some things wrong. "What is it?" she asked.

"I feel like there is something missing." she told her.

"Like what?"

Alex turned away and sighed, then explained further, "Liv, we've been doing the same old thing for so long. I just wanna do something different for a change. Something spontaneous and creative."

Thinking about it, Olivia was highly open to changing the way they get busy. So the two sat on the couch, thinking of ideas that might work for them. But then, Olivia had an idea brewing inside of her head; something that led to her getting up off the couch just so she could think properly. Alex wanted to say something to her, but knew that it would wreck her concentration. After approximately five minutes of wandering around her apartment, she came up with one interesting idea...

"I got a great idea. Now, hear me out..."

_No more than an hour later_ , Alex is hiding behind the television wearing nothing but a pirate hat and her underwear whereas Olivia did the same thing, only hiding in her kitchen. Alex drifted away from her hiding spot and in a swift second, Olivia charged out of the kitchen and pounced onto Alex from behind.

Alex laughed uncontrollably as Olivia yelled out, "Give me yer booty."

"Arrg. Give me  _your_  booty." Alex retorted, trying to hold her laughter. Olivia went down to kiss the half-naked ADA when they heard somebody knocking at the door. Olivia was disappointed that the fun had to end so suddenly, so she searched for a robe and answered the door. Standing outside, was Fin Tutuola.

Fin looked up and down at Liv, who was wrestling herself in her robe and asked, "Hey, Liv. What are you doing?'

"Uh... nothing."

Her attempt to cover things up was soon spoiled when Alex walked by and asked her, "Liv, who is at the door?"

Fin had absolutely no idea what was going on between them. He was only here to deliver something to Olivia, but now he stood there with nothing to say besides... "That's messed up." And thus he walked away, saying nothing further.

Not sure what that was about, Olivia gave out a remark, "Well that was weird."

"Yeah." Alex nodded, "Now come on, let's keep playing."

**End of Chapter Fourteen**


	15. Chapter 15

_You Drive Me Bananas!_

_Mardi Gras_  has always been a special occasion for the men and women of SVU. Even though it's a holiday mainly celebrated in New Orleans, it is also celebrated by many all over the United States, if not, the rest of the world. But here in Manhattan SVU, they have always performed the festivities that take place during Mardi Gras – except the floats and well... the other stuff.

The detectives and officers had a special tradition of their own. And that was:  _The Gold Beads._  The Gold Beads, is an award handed out annually by Captain Cragen to the person who exhibits the most spirit, liveliness and excitement among everyone else. In other words, it was a contest to see who can make the biggest jackass out of themselves.

This year, like all the others in the past, was no different.

The office was decked out in Mardi Gras themed gear, everyone (including Fin) was all dressed up for the occasion. Everyone was all sorts of nuts. Like Elliot for instance, who had set up a slip and slide in the hallway; but this one wasn't your regular slip and slide. It was unique as it was inappropriate. Why? Because instead of water, Elliot used lubricating jell instead. Alex was also part of the party, as she was decked out in bird wear whist Fin carried her on his back.

And then there was Olivia – who was standing on someone's desk (surely not her's) with a fruit hat, a dress that was so elegant, it was indescribable and a bag full of bananas. Worse thing of all, was she was  _throwing_ bananas at people. More like tossing them but still.

"You get a banana! You get a banana!" Olivia shouted out loud, tossing banana after banana to people, "You don't get a banana. But  _you_  get a banana!"

The person whom she threw it at was Munch, who was taking the day off. However, what she threw at him wasn't exactly a banana, "This is a kiwi." he claimed.

Olivia stood there in silence, but in a sudden burst she shouted, "BANANA!"

* * *

_A Statement From Brian Cassidy_

Hello everyone. This is none other than Brian Cassidy from  _Law & Order: SVU._ I've recently made some appearances in this current season and I'm very glad to be back. Recently, I've engaged in a special relationship with Olivia Benson, my old colleague. I've received some hate because of it.

Now, people say that I'm a douche, not "the one" for Liv, an asshole and a loser.  _*starts laughing*_  Okay, now that last one was certainly hilarious. First you all were complaining that she doesn't have a lover but when I come in, you guys start hating.

Now tell me this. If I'm such a loser, why not look back on the thirteen years when I was away? Would a loser...

… Climb the Empire State Building?

… Give Jesus Christ financial advice?

... Get shot, die and come back to get a kiss from a hot chick?

... Start my own Fortune 500 company?

... Capture Bigfoot, then let him go?

… Resurrect Biggie Smalls?

... Have my own line of cologne?

... Star in a series of commercials?

... Clean up the  _BP oil spill?_

... Write a best-selling novel?

... Have two platinum selling rap albums? ("Yeah.")

... Serve three years in Iraq?

... Have a webcam conversation, eat a quadruple bacon cheeseburger, respond to a text whist making love to a beautiful woman?

… And have a badass speaking voice like mine?

Then yeah, I'm a loser. So like what people say, "Haters gonna hate." Now if you'll excuse me, me and Alex Cabot are finishing our plot to take over the world.

* * *

_Change Of Scenery_

Here at Manhattan SVU, detectives don't last very long. In fact, they barely last five years in the unit, let alone a year. Only Detectives Benson, Stabler, Tutuola and Sergeant Munch have lasted the longest. However, you might want to scratch Olivia's name off the list as she left SVU to take a position with the FBI. Not sure why but she is no longer working there.

Since her departure, Captain Cragen has searched effortlessly for a replacement; but replacing Olivia is not an easy task. Dani Beck might have made it look that way but it is not as simple as it seems.

"So, captain." Elliot walked to his captain, asking him, "Any luck on finding a replacement for Olivia?"

"Believe me, it's not as easy as it seems." Cragen answered the detective, "So far, her temporary replacement is not living up to expectations."

They turned their heads to Olivia's temporary replacement, who had a unusual look. The detective looked and smelt like crab, yet talked like a person. Wait? - The detective  _ **is**_  a crab; a crab person to be more specific. Suddenly, the crab person got up from its chair, raising its claws and proclaimed:

"Ha ha ha. Soon the mighty crab people will take over mankind!"

"Shut up!" Fin shouted at the crab-like person.

"Okay." said the crab person, sitting back down and resumed normal duties; then the phone rang, "Hello? Manhattan SVU."

* * *

_Treasure Hunt_

It was late at night at the Manhattan DA's Office, when Alex Cabot went searching for her friend/colleague, Casey Novak. Since they switched offices frequently, it was hard to actually find where she was working this time. After a full hour of searching and was about hitting 11 o'clock, Alex decided to give up on her search and go home. As she was walking back to her office to pick up her belongings, she catches a glimpse of Casey in her new office.

Alex backed up and entered her office and was appalled to see what was surrounding her. There were nothing but papers everywhere she turned and a majority of the papers were drawn on with markers and tacked to the wall. There was a huge map behind her and a caffeine fueled ADA twitching behind her desk.

Puzzled by what she was witnessing, the blonde ADA asked her, "Casey, are you okay?"

Casey cocked her head towards Alex and excitedly greeted, "Alex! So nice to meet you."

"You didn't answer my question."

"Yeah sure I'm okay, Alex. Very, very, very, very, very, very okay!"

As much as Alex liked a energetic Casey, this was not the kind of energetic she was hoping for. In her head, she was thinking of the various ways her energetic self can do in bed – but she was frightened by the things she could  _also_  do. Nevertheless, she had to investigate this.

"Okay Casey, what the hell is wrong with you?"

"Alex," Casey started explaining to the blonde ADA, "I just found a map which leads to a treasure chest in Central Park. If we get there now, we could have it all to ourselves. And then we can quit our jobs, get married, move to Denver and smoke all the weed we can."

"That does sound enticing." Alex thought. Even though there was a strong possibility that they might get arrested, it didn't hurt to try, "Okay. I'll help you. But on one condition, you do not tell anyone about the Halloween party."

"What Halloween party?"

"Exactly."

 _Hours later,_ Alex and Casey managed to sneak their way into Central Park unnoticed with shovels and even a excavator. As people were sleeping, these two spent the entire night digging a large hole where the "X" is supposed to be. They  _had_  to hurry and find the treasure before the sun came up and people started waking up. The lucky thing is, these two were incredibly fast diggers.

As the time hit 5am, they finally hit the jackpot. Casey hit something hard, so she threw her shovel and started digging with her hands. Alex eventually joined her and soon enough, they officially found the treasure chest.

"Hooray!" Casey whispered, since she did not want people to know they were out there, "We found it."

"So we found the chest, that part I'm aware of. But how do we get it out of the hole?"

It stumped Casey entirely. She had not anticipated this, in fact even she had her doubts of finding it. So she had to think quick. And this is what she came up with, "Okay. Alex, get me some rope and tie it to the excavator outside and lift me and the chest up out of here."

"Got it." Alex then climbed out of the hole the best way she could. Since her heels helped keep her ground plus her upper body strength, it wasn't too hard for her to climb out. Meanwhile, Casey looked up as Alex climbed out and said:

"Nice panties."

Alex looked down at her and told her, "Shut up."

* * *

_Colorful (Continuation of "Work-stuck")_

It was early in the morning when the detectives and officers entered the precinct for another day of work. Detectives Stabler and Tutuola and Sergeant Munch all came in together. Not like they intended to, they just happened to arrive at the same time. As they waited for their captain to arrive, they sat at their respective desks doing something to pass the time.

As the detectives began working, Detective Alex Cabot walked in – however, she looked like a absolute mess. Her outfit was a random disaster but it was nothing compared to what she done to her hair. It was a combination of black, orange, purple, red and some gray. She also looked as thought she hadn't slept the entire night.

Elliot, Munch and Fin took a good look at Alex and was both shocked and frightened at what had happened to her.

"Jesus Christ, Alex." Elliot said to her; mixed up inside because he didn't know if he should slap her or laugh. Fin however, asked the question they wanted to ask.

"What the fuck happened to you?"

Alex slowly walked over to them, then told them with a hollow voice, "I don't know what happened. Last thing I remember I was reading Homestuck, then the next thing I know... I had a dozen bottles of hair dye and everything else... I don't remember what happened after that."

Munch looked up, down then back up at her and then commented, "You look like you just ran through a comic book."

"I know." Alex broke down, trying to hold back tears, "I've tried to stop but I can't get enough of Homestuck. I need help, guys but I don't know where to go."

She couldn't hold back anymore so she fell to her knees and started sobbing. They wanted to help her but they didn't know where to start. Incidentally, Captain Cragen walked in to see Alex on the floor crying, while they tried thinking of a way to help.

Cragen approached her and asked, "What's wrong?"

"She's obsessed with this comic called Homestuck and she can't stop reading." Munch explained to the captain.

"So why aren't you guys trying to help her?"

"It's not an easy task, captain."

He turned his attention back to Alex, he knelled down and told her, "Perhaps you should take some time off, to try and put yourself back together... and maybe dye your hair back to a normal color."

Alex turned her head to her captain, wiping away tears and nodded, "Yes captain."

_The following week._

After yesterday's scene, Alex returned to work completely back to normal. Her hair was back to its blonde glory, she got all the sleep she could get and there was actually a smile on her face. Her colleagues were surprised to see her back to her old self.

"Well, look who's back." Munch said from his desk.

With smiles, Alex said to her friends, "Yeah. I'm back to normal. After some alone time, I managed to snap myself out of it. And I never felt better."

"So that means you're done with that web comic?" Elliot inquired.

"Yes. I am done with Homestuck." she nodded, "I found something that it ten times better."

"What?"

Alex took out a wand and a witch hat and answered him, "Harry Potter."

The entire precinct was left in silence.

* * *

_From Long and Mature to Short and Fabulous_

As the detectives went through another day of work, nothing seems to be happening. That is until Olivia walked in extremely late for work; they noticed her absence early that day so they assumed that she either called in sick, stuck in traffic or kidnapped. They didn't know. But there was something different and familiar about her.

Fin was the first person who noticed something different about her. He looked at her and asked, "Hey Liv. You look different today."

Detectives Nick Amaro and Amanda Rollins started noticing too, as well as Sergeant Munch. Maybe she was wearing a different outfit, did something with her makeup or the fact that she was wearing a cap, which was odd since she rarely wears caps (excluding winter caps).

Captain Cragen walked out of his office, ready to bust her imaginary balls about being late, but first he told her, "Benson, I told you. No caps. Now take it off."

Olivia had no other choice but to take off the hat. Once she did, everyone got to look at a short-haired Olivia. Nobody in the precinct wanted to laugh as some of them knew that this wasn't the first time they've seen her with short hair.

Fin looked at Liv with dead eyes and sarcastically inquired, "So we're back to this again?"

Munch, Fin and Cragen remember this version of Olivia very well; Nick and Amanda don't. Nick would be the first of the two to ask:

"Whoa, Liv. What happened to your hair?"

"Funny story," Olivia started explaining, "Today I went to my stylist and I asked for my usual cut and snip. But I wanted to spoil myself so I asked for the best hair style, which happened to involve a perm. Apparently, the rat bastard left it on for too long and next thing I know, my hair melts."

"Wow. That sucks."

"Yes, Nick. It sucks a bag of dicks."

Ignoring Olivia's crass response, Amanda voiced her opinion, "Well I think it looks good on you."

"Well thanks. I guess it means something." she sighed.

As things couldn't really get anymore embarrassing for the brunette detective, Alex Cabot walked in only to see Olivia back to her "old form". She walked to her "pimp style" and wrapped her arm around the detective.

She let open a large smirk and said, "Well well, look who's returned to me."

Olivia would never forgive her stylist for subjecting her to this amount of embarrassment.

* * *

**End of Chapter Fifteen**


	16. Chapter 16

_Fan Mail #3 (entire chapter)_

Back in the empty warehouse, once again filled with video equipment, Elliot and Alex returned to answer the numerous questions sent in or in the minds of fans. Crazy, irrelevant and most importantly, annoying questions. But that was just the silent majority. Anyways, they began their filing with one of them answering the questions. And that person was...

"Why the hell do I have to do the fan mail thing this time?" Elliot asked Alex, who was standing behind the camera.

"It's because for one, these questions are specifically for you. Secondly, you owe me after you screwed me on my tax return."

"You shouldn't have asked me to do your taxes."

"Anyways," Alex sighed, holding up the questions, "Let's get started. In three, two, one..."

"Welcome fans, I'm Detective Stabler and I'm here to answer your questions, as submitted by... wait, who sent these questions?"

Alex looked at the paper and answered, "I don't know. They were sent in anonymously."

"Well anyways, let's begin with the array of questions lined up."

_**Dear Detective Stabler, why is your ass so big?** _

"Well, I have a unique workout plan which helps makes my buns big and hot. Wait a minute, why am I answering that?"

_**Dear Detective Stabler, why aren't you married to Olivia?** _

"Because I'm already married. I wish I had two wives."

_**Dear Detective Stabler, do you hate Alex and if so, why?** _

"I don't hate Alex. I mean granted, she's a bitch. But she's just trying to do her job. So no, I don't hate her."

"That's good to know." Alex nodded.

_**Dear Detective Stabler, why do you beat up suspects?** _

"What? Is that supposed to be a question? The question should be why shouldn't I beat up suspects?"

_**Dear Detective Stabler, I wish Kathy disappeared. What about you?** _

"I am highly against my wife  _disappearing_ as you so poetically describe it. And if I find out one of you people hurt my wife, I'll kill you."

_**Dear Detective Stabler, if given the chance, would you fuck Casey?** _

"Yeah, I would. If that isn't weird enough, we actually talk about it over drinks. We like to sit at the bar, have a drink and talk about the dirtiest things we could do in the sack. A certain amount of them don't even include us in bed. One of which takes place in a confessional. So that's how depraved we can get."

Alex showed a distinct dislike over the things the talk about. It was more of a disgust feeling than dislike.

_**Dear Detective Stabler, if you were gay, would you fuck Doctor Huang?** _

"Wow. That one is a thinker. Well, I'd imagine myself as the  _top_  considering... well... Not trying to be racist, but I don't think I'd feel anything if he was on top."

"He could be a surpriser?" Alex inquired.

"You think so? Then okay. But in the case of butt play. Me and Kathy experimented on that far too many times before."

_**Dear Detective Stabler, what's your beef with IAB?** _

"If you ask me, they're the one with beef. Not me."

_**Dear Detective Stabler, can you please bang Olivia just once?** _

"I will definitely have hot sex with Olivia. Pending both Kathy and Alex's approval."

"Approved." she shrugged.

_**Dear Detective Stabler, why do you have anger issues?** _

"I do not have anger issues. I have idiot issues. Besides, I do not have any goddamn anger issues!"

_**Dear Detective Stabler, I love you.** _

"Okay then. Do you have a question?"

_**Dear Detective Stabler, how "big" are you?** _

"I'd say somewhere along the lines of six feet and up. Something like that."

"Um, I think it was a... penis question." Alex whispered to him.

"Oh. Oh okay them. Then none of your business."

_**Dear Detective Stabler, what would you do if you met Pedobear?** _

_*Elliot's answer has been censored due to the frank nature of his response. It is better to censor it because you do not wish to hear his words on Pedobear. Thank you. *_

Alex stood there in complete silence and horror by the words that came out of his mouth. "Oh my god." she whispered to herself whist her jaw remained fairly open. Elliot showed no further expression.

_**Dear Detective Stabler, why did you leave?** _

"Well, it was a difficult situation for me and I needed something new. I knew I shouldn't have left my buddies out in the cold like that but, it was for the best. Besides, I work somewhere else now. And I'm not telling you where."

_**Dear Detective Stabler, will you ever come back?** _

"Probably not."

"Oh come on. At least give them some closure." Alex protested.

"Okay... if there is a chance, then yeah I'll return to SVU."

Alex looked at the sheet and realized that they were none left. "Elliot, we're out of questions."

"Are we? Okay then. Well see you all next time. Oh and I almost forgot, we will be doing something new starting next week, so tune in every week for the next something months. For Alex Cabot, I'm Elliot Stabler and I bid you farewell."

* * *

**End of Chapter Sixteen**


	17. Chapter 17

_*Before we begin here's a special message from Olivia Benson*_

**Olivia**  -  _"Welcome back, fellow readers. I want to address something that is very important. Recently, people have been doubting the authenticity of this story and this is a very serious matter. So since we've recently reached the one year old mark, we decided to do a special change. Starting with this chapter, we will place this *dun dun* after every title. It might be small but we like it. So enjoy the second year of our crazy ass story. Thank you."_

* * *

_Six Feet Over *dun dun*_

Over the last few months or so, Munch has been worried about something important. And that thing in particular – was death. Since there was no one out there that could possibly live on his legacy or even plan his funeral, he has been highly concerned about that may happen. So that's why he took Fin with his during their lunch break so he could finally get it off his back.

"Any reason why I taking you to a funeral home?" Fin inquired.

"It's because I need help planning my funeral, something that will assure that I don't wind up in a dumpster when I croak." he answered.

"That's crazy. Yet, it is no crazy than the other crap that comes out of your mouth."

They arrive at the funeral home that he wanted to go to. As they get out of the car and to the front door, Munch and Fin look up to read the sign.

" _Cabot Funeral Home and Cemetery."_ Munch read off the sign, "That sounds very familiar."

"A hundred bucks says that Alex either runs or owns the place."

He agreed to the wager and walked on in. The enter the building and see how comfortable and nice everything looks. When they entered, they noticed that nobody was behind the desk. Fin reached over and rang the bell on that desk, hoping that someone came along. Within moments, Alex walks to the desk only to see the two detectives.

"Munch? Fin? What are you doing here?" she asked them.

"You owe me a hundred bucks." Fin whispered to Munch, then forwarded his attention towards Alex, "What the hell is this place?"

Alex didn't understand why they were there just yet but she did answer, "This is my family's funeral home. When I found out my mother died, she gave me the business and ever since I came back, I've been serving as the funeral director."

"How many jobs do you have?" he asked.

"Oh come on, Fin. Let's not get involved in small talk." Alex laughed. She looked at their unimpressed faces then answered, "Five. Gotta pay the bills somehow. So what do you need?"

"Um, we're here to plan a funeral."

"Really? Okay, who died?"

"Actually, Munch here has been concerned about what will happen after he's dead. So he dragged me along with him to plan his funeral."

"Oh okay, come with me."

They followed Alex in to the coffin room, where not only was this frightening but also unusual – essentially because Alex might be the ones who cleans them. But it couldn't be any worse than it is. Anyways, Alex helped Munch pick out the right coffin, before the began with paper work."

"So how about this one?" Alex suggested. He took a very good look at it before he asked her:

"Will this coffin assure my complete safety from government experiments?"

Alex couldn't jumble up the words to reply to his question. So she assured him, "Yes. Not even the aliens can get to you in this casket."

"Okay. Well allow me to try this out." Munch then got inside of the coffin to see how it felt. Not like his corpse will tell the difference. As he "test drove" the coffin, Fin gave Alex a look as if she was crazy. She shrugged in response. Later on, they sit down with Alex to plan other services ahead.

"So where do want to be buried?" she asked.

"Well what's the best available?"

"If you want my opinion, then there's a hill spot that could be suitable; gives your attendances a nice view. Something that says..."

"Munch is watching yo ass." Fin suggested.

"Yes! That's the message."

The basic things were done and that was all they needed from her as of now. They decided to leave, but before Munch said, "Well everything has been incredible. I know you will make my services wonderful. We gotta go before the captain worries."

"Alright, thank you for your cooperation. Just let me do the paperwork and everything will be all set."

They left and headed back to work. As soon as they left, Alex faced the heavy amount of paperwork that is needed for his funeral. Something says that this time, Alex has her work cut out for her.

* * *

_The Birds *dun dun*_

Every time Captain Cragen opens his door, something unusual about the precinct happens. As if it is expected. This time, Cragen took some time away from the office; not exactly talking a day off, just going out for some peace and quiet. After a few hours away, he decides to return back to work.

As he came back with his coffee, he walked into the office – only to come across something he's never seen in his career – birds. They were everywhere. Every inch, every desk, virtually every where you went, there were dozens of birds staring at you.

Now Cragen wanted to ask this question as calmly and as vague as he could. "Where the hell did all these birds come from?" Yeah, that was vague.

"We have no idea, captain." said Nick, who had a trio of them sitting on his head.

"Actually, guys." Olivia stated, "They are actually ravens. Every once in a while, flocks of them flood the streets of Manhattan. Somehow they make their way into our precinct."

"This is way too much." Cragen sighed. Meanwhile, Amanda was playing tug-of-war with a random raven, who was trying to steal her watch.

"No," she protested. But the raven wasn't letting down, "Go away, asshole."

"Rollins, you know how I feel about that type of language." Cragen told her.

However Fin spoke up and said, "Captain, you said  _motherfucker_ twelve times yesterday."

"So what's your point?"

As they had a mild argument over profanity, Amanda was still fighting off a raven, who still wanted her shiny object. Until finally, she gave up, "Alright fine! Take the damn thing."

The raven flew away with Amanda's watch in its mouth.

* * *

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_**Crab person** \- "In my line of work, life insurance means a lot to me. Switching to the Dome not only assures my future but our quest for world domination."_

_**Fin**_ - _*walking by* "Shut the hell up and get back to work."_

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* * *

_***Back to the chapter***_

_Welcome Home *dun dun*_

Olivia returned to her "empty" apartment after being sent home for a couple days. The first thing on her mind, among other things, was food. So she brought some things for dinner. The detective sat her items on the counter as she suddenly heard a noise.

"Hello?" she said, cocking her head to see what it was. Olivia walked out of the kitchen, looking around her living room; she turned around and – there he was. It was  _Lewis pointing a gun to her face._ We're not sure what his full name is, but you know what? Fuck it. Let's just call him that.

Anyways, he let open a smile evil as it was creepy and said, "Welcome home, Detective Benson."

He planned on doing to her what he previously did to the others. He thought he could just take her away and have his ways – but Olivia didn't fret; in fact she hardly looked impressed. The detective just stared at him and the gun with a blank expression.

"Alright then." Olivia nodded, walking away from the psycho and back into the kitchen. This confused him to a great extent as this was something he didn't anticipate, all he did was watch Olivia cook dinner for herself and inside her mind, at least she had company.

_Much later,_ Olivia was sitting down, eating a freshly cooked meal with some left over. Lewis was still in his original spot, you might have thought he could've thought of something by now. She turned back at him and said, with her mouth partially filled with food:

"There's some left over if you want some."

He walked over to the kitchen, where he thought of a scheme; something to put him back on track. He walked back over to Olivia, grabbed her wrist and dragged her to the flaming burner, with the intention of burning her with that hot fire. Olivia stared at the fire and this time, she fretted but as her hand reached closely to the flame, she pulled back.

"That reminds me! I need to take a hot shower."

Once again, this displaces him to the point where he get confused. He walked a few steps and yelled, "Hey! Where are you going?"

"I'm gonna wash up." she replied as she walked to her bedroom which leads to her bathroom. Now he has had enough it this, so he did what he should have done in the first place.

_**-Much, much later-** _

Olivia returned from the shower, now into her "casual" casual clothing, she plops on her bed. What happened with Lewis you ask? Well his plan to ambush her backfired. Why? - she locked the bathroom door. Throughout the night, she did what she normally does when alone. Olivia sat on her bed, with her electric guitar in her lap and played for the fun of it. Lewis sat near the door, with a tambourine in his hand whist holding the gun still.

For about a half hour, Olivia joyfully played her guitar, while he sat in a chair banging on a tambourine and maintained a irritated look on his face. But she was having some issues in writing a new song. So she pulled something out of her dresser drawer, he pointed his gun back at her but was completely derailed when what she pulled out was actually cocaine. What ran through his mind was what was wrong with her.

While cutting up some lines, she asked him, "You want some?"

He didn't respond so Olivia shrugged and-

_*Olivia's cocaine use has been censored for various reasons. You'll understand why.*_

After that, his night was filled with Olivia performing her regular duties around her home, all while trying to keep his sanity. Turns out he wasn't the most psychotic person in that apartment.

After a full night in the wraps, Olivia decided to retire for the evening. She stretched and yawned, "What a night. I'm going to bed. You know your way out, right? Oh who am I kidding? Of course you do." She laughed herself all the way into her bedroom. Meanwhile, Lewis lied on her couch in the fetal position, trying not to kill himself.

* * *

_Stupid Ideas *dun dun*_

This was just another day where Olivia thinks of something stupid. Normally, Cragen is there to stop her from imminent danger but not this time. What she had in plan was interesting albeit stupid. And she needed the help of her old partner, Elliot Stabler to completely fulfill it.

In a normal workday for the detectives, a day where they should be working, they cleared the entire hallway leading to the elevator so Olivia can go through her idiotic idea. The hallway had to be fully cleared, swept and waxed for it to work. Elliot took off his shirt and asked his former partner, "So how is this gonna work?"

"I told you," Olivia explained (again), "We take off our shirts, cover ourselves with lube and slide down the hallway."

"It's weird. But hell, beats dancing for fat women."

They weren't the only ones involved in this idea. Amanda, Munch and Casey were a part of this. Fin was standing by to watch them act like idiots. Nick was nowhere to be found – oh wait, he actually walked by and noticed what was happening.

"What are they doing?" he asked Fin.

"I don't know, something stupid." he answered.

To make sure they don't scramble themselves up, Casey presented them with two football helmets. One a Giants helmet and the other a Jets helmet. She raised them up to Elliot and asked, "Which one do you want? The Giants helmet or the Jets helmet?"

"Mmm, what the hell I'll spoil myself."

"So... Jets?"

He nodded and picked up the helmet from Casey, she would hand Olivia the Giants one. They back up a few steps and cover their entire torsos with lubricating jelly; backing up some more, they run at full speed and dives to the floor. They slid as fast as a internet connection. Well not that fast but still, they were going pretty fast. Meanwhile, ADA  _Rafael Barba_ was just coming up the elevator, accompanied by Captain Cragen. Before their stop, Barba dropped something of his so he bent down to pick it up.

Elliot and Olivia were face down when the elevator opened, so they were unaware. As the elevator opened, Barba was surprised when Olivia slid into him. More specifically, Olivia slid into his crotch while he was bent down. As he clutched his crotch in pain, Cragen was caught off-guard by the situation.

"Yes! I won!" she cheered, getting up off the floor. Olivia did not notice (or even care) that she had accidentally struck their ADA in his privates. So when she looked down, she inquired, "Damn, what happened to you?"

"Just help me up." he groaned. Although he was in pain, he did have enough strength to take a sip of his coffee, "I need my coffee."

* * *

_Alexandra Cabot: Bird Master *dun dun*_

It has been over a year since Alex had stepped foot into the precinct, and what she witnessed was something she has never seen in her life. Hundreds (if not, thousands) of birds occupied the place which made he think if she was in the right precinct. As she walked into the squad room, she discovered that it was much worse.

Alex looked around and asked the detectives, "What the hell happened here? I leave for a year and you let this place go to hell?"

"Well it's not like we allowed this to happen." Olivia argued, "They just made themselves at home."

She sighed, put her briefcase down and decided take care of this, "Well, I guess I gotta fix this mess."

Before she tried anything, Fin exclaimed, "What can you do that we haven't already tried? We tried ultrasound, tennis racquets, dressed Nick up as a rat, we even shot at them. They're not going anywhere."

"Don't worry, Fin. Unlike the rest of you, I also specialize in birds. That call me 'the bird master'."

Nobody believed her, especially Olivia who replied, "Please Alex, you can't command a flock of ravens like magic."

"Watch me." Alex took a deep breath and took out her hand. She let out her finger and looked at one of the birds. When she chanted, "Come!"

The raven responded to her simple command and flew towards her, resting on her finger. Alex smirked, "And you said I couldn't command birds?"

Everybody was amazed that she was able to command a raven to little to no ease. And so, they had an idea that could get rid of these birds once and for all. Cragen would ask her, "Alex, can you help us with this bird problem?"

"Well since you guys are hopeless, I suppose I can help." she agreed; so now, she readied herself for a simple task (at least for her), "Ravens, approach!"

Every one of them flew from every area they occupied, the some that were on the floor and the ones that hid all approached Alex. Under her direction, she led them out of the precinct. The way she commanded them was a array of hand and arm combinations. It might be strange, but at least it worked; anyways the ravens followed her as she walked out of the precinct. They followed suit.

After every raven was out of the building, Alex raised her arms up and shouted, "Ravens, disperse!"

The thousands of raven flew away on her command. However, there was one major twist – they turned around flew right back into the precinct. Alex had no idea what happened, neither did the detectives. Alex didn't really know what else to do at this point. But she knew that they were displeased. Including Olivia, for one.

"What the hell, Alex? They flew right back in."

"Hm? Perhaps you should have closed the door."

Meanwhile, a unusually happy Munch ran outside to tell them something, "Hey guys, guess what? I found a watch!"

Amanda looked at it and realized that it was  _her_  watch that was stolen by one of the ravens. As if things weren't awkward at it was.

* * *

**End of Chapter Seventeen**

_Ask An SVU Character (special edition)_

We were in the same position as we were the last three times. Twice in two weeks. But this time, the detectives and such were here to answer stranger's questions once again. It seemed as though they are not going into rotation or something because this time, they had someone a little nutty to answer questions.

Munch and Fin accompanied the sketchy warehouse/film studio and decided to fire it all up for today.

"Hey, Munch? Do you know how this stuff works?" Fin asked him.

This was all new territory for Fin, so Munch explained it for him. "Don't worry my friend, I know exactly how these things work. So just read me the questions and I'll answer them for those people."

"I still think this is a bad idea."

"Come on, Fin. Don't be so cynical. That's my job. Now let's fire things up, did you bring the questions?"

"Yeah, there right here."

"How many do we have?"

"A bunch of anonymous questions, and a few from some chick. This shouldn't take that long if you ask me." This is when Fin noticed a red light on the video camera, so he said, "Munch, I think this thing is on."

"What? We're already filming?"

"Yeah pretty much."

This blunder forced him to get himself ready for a quick second then he said, "Why hello, readers. I'm Sergeant Munch and this is a somewhat new segment of ours. Today, I'll be answering your questions as sent in by someone. We're not sure who sent them but hey, at least we have 'em. Now let's begin with the first question."

_**Dear Sergeant Munch, what makes you so sure that JFK is still alive?** _

"I could talk out it all day if I want, however Fin has 'prevented' me from answering any questions like that."

_**Dear Sergeant Munch, how many pets do you have?** _

"Pets come and go for me. I guess they don't like me all that much. My most recent pet was a turtle that Elliot got me for my birthday. Amazing that he remembered it."

" _I_ remembered your birthday, man."

"I know you did."

_**Dear Sergeant Munch, do you have any siblings or something?** _

"That is classified."

_**Dear Sergeant Munch, which one of your ex-wives do you like better?** _

"Personally, I don't care less about my ex-wives. But if I had to say one of them in particular, I'd say Gwen almost for sure. Last time I met her, I do admit I wanted to patch things up and become friends but she was a bit angry with me for what I did. Just doing my job."

_**Dear Sergeant Munch, who is your favorite partner?** _

"Oh my, that is a hard one. That depends, are you referring to my partners in New York or in Baltimore?"

"My guess is both." Fin told him.

"Well, I probably don't want to answer this question because looking back, I can't choose between any of them."

_**Dear Sergeant Munch, how long have you been a detective?** _

"Years and years."

_**Dear Sergeant Munch, are you from Munchkinland?** _

"Why yes, I come from a far away planet of other Munchkins like myself, but how could you guess? Do I look suspicious?"

_'God, I can't even imagine an entire world of Munch. He is too much already.' Fin thought._

_**Dear Sergeant Munch, if you're so suspicious of the government, then why do you work for the government?** _

"Inside job, my friend."

_**Dear Sergeant Munch, if you weren't a police officer, what would you be?** _

"I don't know. I could be an actor, an author, or even a comedian. I do have some jokes here and there. So those three could be a possibility. That or an anchor for Fox News."

"Yo, Munch. That's all the questions."

"Really?" he inquired, "Well, I suppose our business is done. Tune in to the story whenever you can and all that I'm supposed to say. Thank you and have a good week."

* * *

**End of Chapter Seventeen – Side B**


	18. Chapter 18

_Frannie! *dun dun*_

What ever chance she gets, Olivia always sneaks her way to Amanda's desk. Why? To intentionally steal her things. This used to be a hazing technique when Amanda came in from Atlanta, however Olivia has used this method, solely to annoy her. This time around, Amanda had to go see Captain Cragen in his office, Olivia walked over to her desk – which the drawers were padlocked. Apparently, last time she did this it did not end well.

Luckily for her, she was prepared for something like this, so she brought a bolt and chain cutter to pry the lock open. She had difficulty opening it, but using all her might, it broke open. She opened the drawer and grabbed another possession that belonged to Amanda – her purse. She snickered as she attempted to make off with her stuff.

But Amanda was watching her through the window, so she ran out of the captain's office and shouted, "Olivia! Put down my stuff!"

"You'll have to catch me." she smirked, running off with it. But what she didn't know was that Amanda had a second line of defense. And it was her dog, Frannie. She had her dog cleverly hidden inside the precinct in this case.

Amanda released Frannie from her leash and ordered, "Frannie, get that ass!"

Now Olivia believed that she was home free, but Frannie was hauling ass, as some would call it. In a matter of seconds, she chased her down all the way to the hallway, leaving Olivia in the floor shrieking in pain, due to Frannie sinking her teeth into her buttock. Amanda, Nick and Fin ran to the hallway to see what happened. Seeing Olivia in the ground getting her ass chewed by a dog, couldn't be any funnier.

Amanda swiped the purse and praised her dog, "That a good, doggy. You sure did get her."

While Frannie gave her "kisses", Rafael Barba was standing in the hall watching. Earlier, he was getting out of the escalator when he saw Olivia being chased by the dog. He wanted to help her, but he was thoroughly convinced that she did something stupid.

"Wow. That dog of yours can sure haul ass." he said to Amanda.

* * *

_Names That Just Don't Go Away *dun dun*_

It was a stressful day for the detectives and their ADA. How they usually deal with a long day of work is go out for drinks. Tonight, as usual, consisted of Elliot, Olivia, Alex, Munch and Fin; their captain never goes to bars with them, due to his alcoholism. Supposedly it was for the best. But they normally talked about work whenever they were at a bar... in fact, it was the  _only_  thing they ever talk about. But tonight was a different story.

They all shared stories about things that happened to them in the past. Elliot was finishing a story about something that happened between him and Kathy, which concluded, "... And then, they drove us home while we sat in the back with no clothes. That was the wildest camping trip we've ever had."

All four of them laughed hysterically to his crazy story; the ending didn't contain much of a pun, but overall the story was interesting. Olivia suddenly stopped laughing and noticed that something was off, so she asked him, "Wait? Didn't you go on a camping trip last week?"

"Yes. So what?" he replied.

She sat in silence then burst out in laughter. The others started laughing along with her, they continued on for a few moments until Munch turned to Alex and told her, "Alright, Alex. Now it's your turn."

Quickly, she grew tense once he told her. So Alex responded, "Me? Oh no. How about someone else? Like Olivia, she might have a story."

"I already told a story." she stated, "What the hell is wrong with you? Do you love hearing embarrassing things from me?"

"What? No no. I just wanna hear another funny story, as told one of my favorite detectives."

Fin turned towards Munch and murmured, "I never understand why she plays favorites with us."

"I know. What's with that?"

Though she didn't hear them, she was also suspicions. Still she did not wish to let them know her story, "I'm sorry, but I have nothing to say."

"Come on, Alex. Don't be a prude." Elliot pleaded (sort of).

As much as she did not want too, Alex sighed and told her story, "Around the time I started working with you guys, let's say around 2001. I was in court and I had missed breakfast... and lunch. On my way there, I came across a stand where they sell vegetables. So I picked up one."

"Okay, is there any more?" Olivia inquired.

"Unfortunately, there is. Like I said, I was in court and I was unbearably hungry and the defense was taking too damn long. So I call for a recess. I take a walk and I pull out a cabbage that I bought from said vegetable stand and took a huge bite out of it as I walk through the hallway. I was half finished with my roll of cabbage when I came back, the defense attorney and the judge noticed me eating a cabbage in court."

They were snickering a bit, but they were waiting for the best part. Munch asked her, "So what else happened?"

"Well, apparently word travels fast in my line of work. It wasn't long before everybody at work heard about it, and coined my nickname,  _Alex 'Cabbage'._ "

They stood in awkward silence until they burst out laughing as hard as they could. Alex could only sit there in utter embarrassment; she thought she didn't have to relive it ever again. Holding back laughter among other things, Olivia remarked – whist laughing.

"Oh god, that's so hilarious. It both clever and funny."

Fin stopped laughing out of respect for Alex and asked, "So what happened after that? Were you able to live through it?"

"Sadly no. After that, everyone proceeded to call me that. The judges, the defense, and on one odd day, the jury. Fortunately, it died down. But every first of the month, someone put a roll of cabbage on my desk with a card that says,  _'Happy first of the month, ADA "Cabbage".'_ So people haven't exactly forgotten... yet."

"Wow, that sucks."

Alex nodded in agreement. Because she knew that tomorrow was  _the first of the month_.

* * *

_Snow Day *dun dun*_

On a cold afternoon in Manhattan, the city was hit with a unexpected snow storm during the middle of the night. This was good news for the detectives, who also had the day off. And due to the storm, they had no reason to go anywhere. This was not the case for Nick and Olivia, who spent this time enjoying the snow. They went out the nearest, biggest hill that they could find and take their sleds. Nick's sleds that is.

Olivia was first, even though she did not want to go first – in fact she did not want to go out  _at all_. She'd rather sleep all day that be out in the snow. Anyways, she did protest, "Nick, I don't want to do this."

"Come on, stop being a wuss. It's a great day, we have the day off and we should enjoy it."

"First of all, it's not a great day. It's snowing. Also, I'd rather be in bed."

He sighed, "If not for your job, you'd be a slouch."

"I'm not a slouch. I just don't wanna spend my day off in the cold ass snow."

"Well, since you out here..." He walked away before he pounced at the sled and pushed her downward. Olivia was frightened to say the least, she's never done anything like this before in her life. Probably because she wasn't fond of snow, however Nick yelled out, "Hold on, Liv. Or else you'll fall."

Luckily she heard him well, so she held on for dear life. With the wind in her face and how fast she was going, she begun to enjoy it. Her frightened shrieks turned into excited screaming. As if you were riding a roller coaster, this was sort of the equivalent. Any who, she was enjoying herself and in her head, she had to admit that he was right.

But things turned from good to worse. A rock struck the sled out of nowhere, which caused Olivia to lose control of the sled. She tried to regain control but it was too late as the sled hit something more blunt, which propelled Olivia off the sled, making her air-borne. As Olivia was falling to the ground, a sharp pipe was sticking out of the snow – something that Olivia did not notice... until it pierced her. Nick stood on top of the hill in utter shock as he watched it all escalate.

 _Hours later_ , they found themselves in the hospital with neither of them saying a word to each other. Although the pipe went right through her stomach, luckily it did not hit her spine. Though she can still walk, there was still a hole in her stomach. At least Nick reacted quickly and let the paramedics do the best to save her.

Nick sat by her bed, trying to say something to her, "Olivia... I... wanna say that-"

"Don't say anything." she interrupted, "Just as long as you don't say a word to anyone, I'll forgive you."

At least he was off the hook. Kind of.

* * *

_It's Better To Knock *dun dun*_

Casey Novak took a detour to see Alex, her friend/colleague/mentor, at her place. It was nothing much, she wanted to give her something. Earlier that month, Alex allowed her to borrow a couple of her records for her to listen. As much as she wanted to keep them, she knew that they still belonged to Alex so she was there to bring them back.

She knocked on the door, but doing so opened the door itself. She thought she was out doing her laundry, but she heard someone inside. Though it was against what she believed, she slowly walked in.

"Hey, Alex. I brought back your  _Keith Sweat_ and  _Beastie Boys_  albums." she spoke out, to see of anyone was inside. But then she saw something incredibly unusual. Alex had walked to the door and she was... well, this needs another paragraph to explain.

Her hair was dyed multiple colors, she was wearing horns on her head, her clothes were just so... what the hell. And her face was what frightened Casey the most. The amount of cosmetics she put on her face was so appalling. Casey knew what this was – Alex was reading  _Homestuck_  again.

"Oh, Casey. Wanna come in?" she greeted. Casey responded by backing away slowly, putting the records on the ground and closed the door. She was long gone after that. Can't blame her.

* * *

_Sorry, You're All Alone Tonight *dun dun*_

Ever since Alex and Olivia started living together, things have never been better for them. Although there were some kinks that needed to be resolved, everything else has been insatiable. And that means  _everything_. But tonight, instead of a quiet and eventually, "sweaty" night at home, Alex was getting ready to go somewhere.

Alex walked in the living room, whist Olivia was sitting on the couch reading. The way she was all dressed up had her mind going in all sorts of directions. She placed down the book and wrapped her arms around her, and whispered, "What's this? Your way of foreplay?"

She separately her hands from her waist and told her, "Sorry, Liv. But not tonight. I'm going out."

This left her in disbelief because who was she going out with? She was already there, so she did not see the point. She tried to ask what her intentions were, but then someone was knocking on the door. Alex excitedly ran to open the door. Olivia, for some reason, picked up the nearest blunt object and concealed it behind her back, in case it was "some bitch out to steal her woman". She opened the door and was confused when it turned out to be Fin.

Alex gave him a welcoming hug, as she asked, "Fin? What the hell is he doing here, Alex?"

"Me, Fin and John are gonna go hang out tonight. Didn't I tell you?" she explained.

"No. If I'd known, I would have tagged along."

Though it would have been beneficial for both, Alex did object, "Well... it's just... I'm with you more than anyone. I like to spend time with friends too, you know."

"You gotta be kidding me?"

Jumping in, Fin said to a disgruntled Olivia, "Sorry, Liv. Bros before hoes."

This did not help the situation at all. Especially since she sought something wrong about what he said, "Aren't you aware that you technically contradicted yourself?"

He gave this a good thought. But it did not impact him much, "Nah. Come on, Alex. Munch is waiting outside."

And as they left, she was once again, alone. But at least she was used to it.

**End of Chapter Eighteen**

* * *

 

**Chapter Eighteen – Side B**

_Ask An SVU Character #2 (special edition)_

We now return to the shady warehouse which apparently lies in Harlem, where our beloved SVU characters answer your questions and such. The one that was kidnapped- we mean, escorted by "the man", was none other than ADA  _Rafael Barba_. Though he did put one hell of a fight, he is joined by Nick Amaro as he moderates the questions for him. Like all others in the past, they were confused as to what they had to do. It was simple really.

"Okay. Just need to get this on. Are you ready, counselor?" Nick asked the sharply dressed prosecutor.

"I suppose so. Just a question, what am I supposed to be doing?"

He looked at the sheet of questions and answered, "Well you basically sit there, look and talk directly at the camera, I give you these questions one by one and you answer them."

"And if I don't?"

"Then we can't leave."

He nodded and took a second (like the others) to get ready. In a quick countdown, the camera starting filming. "Hello, readers. As you know, I am Rafael Barba. Just like this old quote goes, ' _Mr. Barba was my father.'_ Anyways, I have a lot of work to do so let's get this over with."

_**Dear Rafael Barba, how much coffee do you drink on average?** _

"2-3 cups a day. On some days, I have six. But yet again, who keeps track of these thing, right?"

_**Dear Rafael Barba, do you own pets?** _

"No, but I'd like some. Except cats. Cats are evil little creatures."

Behind the camera, Nick agreed, "I hear ya. I threw out our last one when it tried to slice my wife's face up."

_**Dear Rafael Barba, would you even consider stripping?** _

"How else do you think I paid for school? You gotta do what you gotta do." He gave a thumbs up, but his expression described otherwise.

_**Dear Rafael Barba, can you sing and if so, have you ever considered a music career?** _

"Yes, on occasion, I sing. Unfortunately, I've never considered a career in music or Broadway, probably because I was already in law school by the time I realized that I could sing. Life, am I right?"

_**Dear Rafael Barba, what's your sign?** _

"You should realize that due to your anonymous status, I'm a little resistant of telling you."

_**Dear Rafael Barba, when you first met Olivia Benson, what did you think of her at first?** _

"The first thing I thought about when I met Detective Benson was,  _are those things supposed to be_ _that_ _big?_  But I thought she was gonna give me the business but through time, I grown to like her as well as the entire SVU team. I suppose that's how I feel about her. But I'm afraid of being motorboated by 'those things'."

_**Dear Rafael Barba, have you ever grown facial hair?** _

"Yes. But I do a special thing called 'shaving'. You should try it, it's wonderful."

His question confused Nick to the point where he asked, "Wait? Are you being sarcastic or are you serious?"

_**Dear Rafael Barba, is it true that you are secretly in love with someone from the SVU squad? If so, who is it?** _

"I'm gonna confirm  _and_  deny that question. I wouldn't go as far as to say I'm  _in love_ with one of them, but even if I was; not saying I am, I'll probably keep it confidential."

_**Dear Rafael Barba, what is your personal life like?** _

"Well, in the terms of my apartment, I'd say very neat. My guilty pleasure is sports, more specifically soccer. Because sitting on the couch after a long day's work and just watch a match, relaxes me. I also like yachting, which of course, you already know. Family details however, are also confidential."

_**Dear Rafael Barba, are you bisexual? If so, would you consider hooking up with George Huang?** _

"Personally, I don't identify my sexuality under any category. But I find myself fairly interested in both genders. So I guess I am, as you call it, bisexual. As for the Huang question, I met him once. Nick introduced us while he was in the city. He's very cool and interesting and a lot of things I can't bring myself to remember. I would consider it, if he did not have a boyfriend. Does that answer your question?

_**Dear Rafael Barba, why do you think you're any better than Alex or Casey when it's obvious that they're better prosecutors than** _ _**you** _ _**?** _

"Whoa whoa. I don't recall ever saying I was better than them. If anything, I consider them influences. When I started out, those two carried me on their wing and provided me with great knowledge that helped tune my abilities as a prosecutor. However, they did somewhat bully me also. I don't see myself above them, but I do say I'm one of the best male prosecutors right now. And there were more  _finer_  ones before me."

"Glad you put it all in perspective, counselor."

"Well, that is the end of this Q/A session. I hope I answered your questions in the manner you were expecting and I'll see you all when I see you. Next week, will feature the lovely..." Suddenly, Nick ran over and whispered in his ear, informing him of something, "Um, it seems that due to some unknown reason, I am unable to reveal the next person. Still, thank you and... thank you."

* * *

**End of Chapter Eighteen – Side B**


	19. Chapter 19

_Robot Munch *dun dun*_

Back in the SVU squad room, nothing really significant was really happening. But it was also one of those days where one of the detectives were absent. This time, it was Munch. Actually, both him and Olivia were both absent that day but at least she (barely) came into work. Reasons too embarrassing to describe.

Eventually, Munch did come to work – but brought something of interest to his colleagues.

"Hey guys, do you wanna know what I did last night?"

This seemed to be nothing more than what they are used to, so Fin tried guessing it (once again, barely), "Write a book about the existence of aliens?"

"Oh no, no. I did that on the way over here." he remarked, "What I really did was this..."

He yanked the sheet off his  _special surprise_  and it was right there in front of them just like that. A _robot version of Munch himself._  The other detectives were in disbelief that he made something like that. It was too good to be true. But what really left them in shock was this, as described by Olivia:

"Oh dear god, there's another one of you."

"Sure is!" he smiled, "This is the  _Robo Munch 2000.0._  It is capable of analyzing all known conspiracies. Has the ability to make snide remarks about the government and the rest, well you can read it all in this pamphlet I have here today."

As amazing as it was, one fact about it had Elliot thinking out loud, "Oh god, imagine two thousand of him. Just the two is already making me uncomfortable."

"We hear ya." Fin and Olivia nodded, in unison.

Nonetheless, Munch was still proud of his invention so he covered it back up and told them, "If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna take this and sell it on the internet. Wish me luck."

He carried the robot out of the squad room, leaving the detectives in a strange place. But they soon returned to work.

* * *

_Animal Planet *dun dun*_

Whenever Captain Cragen entered the squad room, or left his office, he usually is confronted by something crazy; either involving his people or simply a strange occurrence that takes place in the precinct. Yeah, it somewhat sucked to be the captain, especially since you're the one who has to supervise (babysit) about a hundred officers at once. It is not pleasant.

Today was, once again, one of those days. When Cragen came back from a coffee run, he has the pleasure to witness that once again, the squad room was infested with more animals. Unlike the time where the entire precinct was infested with ravens, it was only the squad room that was infested with animals. Dozens of them swarming all over the place. Worse enough, the detectives and officers were  _having fun_  with said animals.

"Are we really doing this again?" Cragen sighed; apparently, this was the fourth time that the squad room was swarming with something, two of the four were animals.

Amanda saw the captain, who watched her comb a sheep, so she called out, "Captain! You're just in time, we have this awesome animal farm!"

"Now who is the culprit this time?"

"Guilty as charged." Alex walked over and said. Somehow, she brought dozens of animals for the entire squad to enjoy. Why? No reason.

"Alex, why did you bring all these animals to the precinct?" he asked.

"Well, I thought you guys have been stressing yourselves so I brought these cute animals for you all to play with." Alex explained, when the chicken she was holding in her arm started clucking, so she placed her hand over its head and said, "Settle down, Ira."

This made Cragen slightly uncomfortable, considering that she has a pet chicken, "You named your chicken  _Ira_?"

"Yes. Why not?" she nodded.

He looked around and saw the detectives having a good ass time. Especially Nick, who had himself a trio of ducks. Yep, ducks. The captain shook his head, trying to figure out why he allows the squad room to be overcrowded almost every chance possible. Still, it seemed that they were all happy and a happy squad, equals 100 percent work and effort. Something like that.

But Cragen practically flinched when he saw a raccoon on one of the desks, so frightened that he pulled out a gun on it. Alex immediately defended the raccoon, and said, "Hey! Don't shoot Walter!"

He put down the gun and was slightly confused. He asked her, "You  _named_  this creature?"

"Of course I did." Alex nodded, putting down her pet chicken and held the raccoon, "Eleven months ago, I found this little rascal in my garbage. Have you ever a raccoon with its head in a bag of chips?"

"Apparently, I wouldn't know." he sighed, again. Then, thinking he was coming to take another case, Barba walked in the squad room, almost as concerned as Cragen. He looked around and wondered why Alex was holding a raccoon in her arm.

He asked them both, "What is going on here?"

"Well Alex here, brought a bunch of animals to the squad room." Cragen explained.

"This is absolutely stu-" he was trying to say, until he saw an ostrich walking by. Suddenly he got excited, and eagerly asked Alex, "Is that an ostrich? Can I ride it, please?"

Alex looked at the animal, then back at Barba and replied, "Go for it."

And so, he sprinted to the ostrich and leaped on top of it, riding it all around the squad room. Olivia sat there, being the only one who wasn't enjoying this time with the animals. She would sit at her desk, and snidely remarked:

"Sure, Barba rides the fuckin' ostrich and its fine with it. I try to ride it, and it jabs me in the pussy."

Like most of the squad, Fin was tired of her negativity. Whist petting some sheep with Amanda, he said to her, "Are you gonna sit there and run your mouth, or are you gonna spend some time with these animals?"

"I'll probably do both." she shrugged.

* * *

_Olivia Benson's search history (via Google) *dun dun*_

" _how to summon cthulhu"_

" _Black singles online"_

" _Alex Cabot barnyard"_

" _witchcraft"_

" _sweaty firefighter poles"_

" _how to kill a rapist and get away with it?"_

" _Elliot Stabler firefighter"_

" _wikipedia"_

" _fine china"_

" _slash fan-fiction"_

" _lesbian nurses"_

" _how to blow up a restaurant?"_

" _where to find cocaine without being caught"_

" _joyful heart"_

" _craigslist"_

" _watch all my children online"_

_And that is Olivia's search history. Thanks a lot, Google. We'll let you continue spying on us._

* * *

_Inside The Morgue *dun dun*_

Typically, no one ever talks about Melinda Warner, not even "us". But there is one interesting fact about Melinda that no one has ever found out. We now direct you to the morgue, where she usually is whenever she's not at a crime scene or at home. Whatever she might be doing.

Melinda was performing an autopsy on a male, who suddenly died. As she was digging into him, a voice told her, "Hey, hey! Be careful! I might be dead but it doesn't mean that you should be reckless."

"If you could just tell me how you died, then I wouldn't be elbow deep inside of you." Melinda sighed.

Yep. She can see spirits – or ghosts. Whatever. This was not something that happened at birth, but something that happened at work. Ever since Melinda began working as a medical examiner, she has had the unfortunate pleasure to withhold the ability of seeing supernatural beings. In other words, ghosts. It was nowhere near pleasant, or even "cool", to her it was tiring. Depending of who she's working with.

Every day, the departed souls pay her a visit at work, and in some cases, at home. The most difficult thing about her ability, is that the souls don't help her when she is determining their causes of death. Normally, most souls endlessly banter about themselves, and frustrate Melinda. That was the only downside to her job, believe it or not.

She noticed that he stopped talking and just glared at her. She did not mind until somehow, he began to frustrate her. So she shouted, "Go away!"

"Sorry, I want to make sure you get it right. Since you've decided to cut me up like turkey."

Melinda groaned roughly, she knew from the beginning that this wasn't going to be pleasant. At least, out of everyone associated with SVU, she had a "superpower" - unless you count Alex's immortality.

* * *

_Wingman *dun dun*_

Ever since they became partners, Amanda has always asked for Fin to help her. There was no clear cut reason why, but all that was certain was whenever she needed something, she usually went to Fin for it. And it meant _anything_ , such as help move furniture, or help her out at work, or whatever it might be.

But when she asked Fin to accompany her at a club, he was sure that there was going to be a catch. And there was. Sitting at one of the tables, the music loud and annoying as all hell, yet the people were too drunk to care, it was about the time for Fin to ask:

"Why am I here, Amanda?"

"I need you here. You're my wingman." she explained.

"Suddenly, I don't like the sound of that." Fin remarked, "Wait, why do you need a wingman?"

Amanda did not answer his question, as she already left the table. As it turns out, she only brought him along so she could "score" with... women? Though she was actually liked "both sides", if you know what that means, it did not come to much of a surprise, considering that there were no males in the club at all.

Being the only one with a penis, Fin drowned his  _sorrows_  in alcohol, saying to himself, "I really should have seen this one coming."

**End of Chapter Nineteen**

* * *

 

**Chapter Nineteen – Side B**

_Ask An SVU Character #3 (special chapter)_

Where we find ourselves this time around, is practically the same place where we were before. And before that... and before that and so on. Usually, we find someone and ask (force) then to answer questions from people whom we can't actually name, but you get the drift. This is the case for Amanda Rollins, whom we kidnapped and brought out to the studio/abandoned warehouse.

She woke up in the warehouse, seeing that Fin was with her. She assumed that he was the person who kidnapped her, but she knew that Fin wouldn't try too. He would have wanted but it deemed to be too much work for him. To Fin, kidnapping was more like babysitting.

Nevertheless, Amanda was informed of why she was here and what she needed to do. And that was – Answer people's questions (which were sent in, in some way).

"So, that's what I have to do. Like what the narrator said?" she asked Fin.

He was behind the camera and with a papers as he replied, "Yeah. Just answer questions, sent in for you. And just try your best."

"Really?"

"Or you can fuck with them. Either way works fine."

Amanda adjusted her spot so she could be comfortable. With that settled, she chanted, "Okay, let's do this!"

_**Dear Detective Rollins, are you a sports fan and if so, who are your favorite teams?** _

"Well, yes I do enjoy sports. Watching them, betting on games, but that right there was the old me, okay? I love the Falcons, and the Braves, oh and the Hawks. Just because I moved to New York, doesn't mean I'm automatically a Yankees fan."

_**Dear Detective Rollins, which animal is your favorite?** _

"Dogs, honey. Can't go wrong with dogs."

_**Dear Detective Rollins, if it weren't for your sister, would you still consider being a cop?** _

"I think about that question a lot. Since you asked, yes. I would still consider being a officer even if my sister wasn't the way she is. But it's not like I'm saying that she was the reason why I became one, it was because there was something about me that wanted to be a cop. Right now, I'm happy either way."

_**Dear Detective Rollins, what happen to your parents?** _

"Well, they were around as much. Actually, they were around, but they rarely paid much attention to me. It seemed as though they didn't because they didn't care, but I realized that most of my parents' attention went straight to Kim, because of her condition and everything that was going on. That also made me realize that I had it easier than her. Long story short, they still live back home. I still know that they love me and wish me the best."

_**Dear Detective Rollins, did your dog ever destroy anything of deep personal value?** _

"If you count couch pillows and knocking down glasses – no. She has never destroyed anything of value to me, even then I wouldn't be mad because she's still my doggy."

_**Dear Detective Rollins, why do you keep trying to eat Detective Benson?** _

"One time, I bit her during an argument and for some reason, her arm tastes great. From then, I tried numerous times to eat her and see how good she tastes. I'm not sure if I want to cook her into gumbo. Munch said that she would be perfect as  _orange chicken_. Whatever that means?"

_**Dear Detective Rollins, which members of the SVU team do you ship?** _

She was stumped by the question, but she still said, "Um... I'm willing to answer the question. Don't know what a 'ship' is?"

Since she didn't know, Fin explained it to her, "A  _ship_  is basically a relationship. Like who would you rather see together, something like that."

"Oh, okay. I get it!" Amanda realized, so she answered the question, "Well, I think I would ship everyone together. With me. Like me and Olivia, and Fin, and Nick, and the captain and practically everyone. But without me, I'd say Fin and Munch. They seem like they used to have good banter before I came along. Another one I'd say with be Olivia and either Cabot or Barba. Not that other ADA, he was ugly to me. But my number one, would have to be everyone and everyone."

"You don't know the half of what me and Munch say to each other..."

_**Dear Detective Rollins, would you rather get together with Fin, Nick or Olivia and why?** _

"Hm? Didn't I already answer that question? But I won't be rude, I'd get together with all of them. Have ourselves a tasty foursome."

"Suddenly I'm highly disturbed."

_**Dear Detective Rollins, since you're a Benson fangirl, have you written fan-fiction involving Olivia and another member of the team; if so, would you mind posting it?** _

Fin asked her, "Do you want me to explain  _fan-fiction_  to you?"

"No worries. I know what it is. Unfortunately, I haven't written one myself. If I did, I'd release it. However, Nick wrote an interesting story about me and Liv. And believe me, it's a dark piece of work. When I read it, I almost wanted to smack him for writing something like that. But it was so damn good, I just couldn't be mad at him. Olivia hasn't read it, mainly because he has tried relentlessly to keep her away from it. Still, ask him if he could. If you like."

_**Dear Detective Rollins, would you ever try to be a professional hippo trainer? I would.** _

"Though I'm highly skeptical that it's not possible to train a hippo, it sounds like one hell of a project. If you ask me."

_**Dear Detective Rollins, when you and Olivia went undercover as a couple, did you feel uncomfortable knowing that you were not Olivia's choice for the role and that Alex was?** _

"Originally, Cabot was supposed to be the one that went out and did it with her, but she was tied up in court so I was the only option. I kind of hinted that she did not want me there, like she wanted to throw me in a ditch after it was all done. Still, I wasn't uncomfortable but I'd rather be back at the squad."

_**Dear Detective Rollins, did you ever find the stuff that your sister stole?** _

"Sadly, no. I'm still looking for her. She stole  _all_  my stuff and I want it all back. May the Lord have mercy on her if she pawned my shit. At least she didn't steal the dog. I would've killed her."

_**Dear Detective Rollins, what do you like to do when you feel depressed?** _

"Well I sit on the couch, thinking. Until I put on some uplifting music to cheer me up, and then some aggressive rap music that gets me pumped up." she explained, then began laughing, "I swear, that music makes me say things I wouldn't. Like eff this and eff that and eff those-"

She stopped when she noticed that Fin was standing right behind the camera. She tried to prevent a beating if she finished it. Soon, she said, "Never mind."

"I don't care. Whatever gets you in the right mood, if you ask me."

"I think we should stop. So I suppose that is it. Thanks for your questions, I felt plenty of joy answering them, even though I was kidnapped. Nonetheless, I thank you for taking the time and I'll see you next time. Um, whenever that will be."

* * *

**End of Chapter Nineteen – Side B**


	20. Chapter 20

_One Very Bad Confession (official twentieth chapter) *dun dun*_

Like all of us in this crazy world, we all have problems. We all use different methods to handle these problems – some of which works, others not so well. But among the people in the world with very serious problems, Olivia Benson might be the most troubled person in the world. Seemingly.

Unlike most people, she has never (or never wants too) talk about her actual issues to anybody. Not Elliot, her therapist (whom she has wasted time and money on), her captain, Alex or even her own mother; however, she might be the source of some of her actual problems. But her issues with her mother was hardly the start of it. She has issues that either attributes to her line of work, or herself entirely.

With no other people she can go to (or trust), she took time out of her Sunday and followed Elliot and his family to church. For some reason, she wasn't all into the whole  _God_  thing but that wasn't really why she tailed them that day; Olivia only wanted to see where it was located, so she could confront her issues – without anyone knowing.

_The following day_ , she came back to the same church that she went yesterday. This was all new territory for Olivia, who had no clue where to go or who to talk too. To her, it was more like going to the ballgame and you ask someone where your seats are. She walked up to a nun, and asked her:

"Um excuse me, where do I go to – you know, confess about things?"

The nun gave her a blank look and gave her no response. They stared at each other for nearly a minute until the nun directed her to a booth that was, ironically, right next to her. Olivia looked at the booth and then back at the nun, with what people may call, a derp expression. Any who, Olivia walked in the booth and sat down her purse next to her. The rest... well, she didn't know what else to do.

But from what she was learned from television, or movies – either one – she spoke out to whomever was inside with her, "Um? Forgive me, father. For I have sinned."

"Is this your first confession?" said a elderly priest, who was in the other side.

"Apparently, yes this is my first."

"Now what is your confession?"

Olivia spared no details as she confessed to the priest, "I'm a sinner. Of various proportions."

"Now what kind of sinful things have you done?"

As mentioned before, she told him bluntly, "I watch porn, I'm addicted to cocaine, I belittle my Jewish co-worker, I've tried to sell my brother, I've tried to kill my current partner, I've sent death threats to people, I sent a innocent man to jail, I kicked my mother a few times, I have lost my temper, I have done a lot of bad things in the years I've been on the Earth."

The priest was at lost when he hear all the things that she has done. So he tried to comprehend it as gingerly as possible, "Now did you say were addicted to illegal narcotics?"

"Well, I was previously on ecstasy, which my ex-partner gave me when I wasn't paying attention. After I finally kicked it, I suddenly found a strange habit for cocaine. This may sound wrong, but I love how it makes me feel sometimes, because I have had issues and just a line has made things more better."

"Is it possible that your cocaine addiction attributes to your malicious behavior?"

She had never thought about like that, and inquired, "Are you sure that's what's wrong with me?"

"Ma'am, that is not even the beginning." he replied, "It seems to me that your drug addiction is what causes you to be mean to your loved ones."

"Well, I'm usually stressed, tired, cranky and extremely bitchy sometimes."

"Explain it a little further for me."

She took the time to think about the most recent outbursts, then explained, "Well, I've torn up my own clothes, thrown things at work, took out my frustration on suspects, screamed over stupid things, and most recently, choked a one-legged prostitute. She's alright, my partner had to restrain me but long story short, I got slapped with probation."

"Was this the first infraction you've received?"

"Not even close." Olivia answered, "I've had several types of infractions. None of which have been serious enough to get me fired."

"And all these outbursts have occurred when you're high?"

"You see, that's the thing. When I'm high, I'm calm, lovely, attentive, just regular in short. But when I'm sober, I become this monster that hardly anyone can control."

"So now, what can you tell me about your hostility against your Jewish co-worker?"

"Munch? Oh yeah, we go at each other more often than puppies. But instead of the cute, innocent fighting that puppies do, we mostly fight verbally. He calls me bitches and hoes, and I call him a dirty, fucking Jew. You know, this and that."

"Please don't swear while your in here. Secondly, I feel that you shouldn't belittle a person for their religion; if you didn't, then he wouldn't feel obligated to say those words either."

"Okay."

Though they were through a few of her "sins", there were still a few things left that he needed to discuss with her, "Now, ask me this. Why did you try to sell your brother?"

"Well, he was very annoying at some point, so I went looking for a new brother so I went and tried to sell him on the internet?"

"Did he ever find out about that?"

"Not really, he didn't see the ad." Olivia told the priest, who's figuring out what is wrong with her, "But all and all, it was funny to me."

In some ways, it had to suck to be the priest at this moment. Not only did he had to deal with someone who probably should be in jail (his opinion), but she was a chatter box as well. For what was thirty minutes, she kept on talking off-topic, testing his patience and wasting his time. But he did know this – only he could end this agony, shut her up and get her out of the confessional.

"Ma'am, I do not wish to hear anymore." he groaned.

"But I didn't tell you about the porn." Olivia rebutted.

"I have a very good idea. Now get out. Out!"

Though her question wasn't answered, she walked out of the confession booth, leaving the distressed priest in there alone, trying to process what had happened. It seems as though being a priest also has its disadvantages. That of course, being one of those very disadvantages.

* * *

_Dog Master *dun dun*_

About a few weeks ago, Elliot and his family got a dog. It was a nice big pup but now things have turned around badly. How? Well to put it like this: He uses the house as a personal bathroom, despite being let out. He chews on pillows, cords and for some reason, wood. He barks frantically, eats more than them and has a habit of sleeping on Elliot's ass. That is, when he sleeps on his stomach.

Long story short, Elliot has had enough. He doesn't want to get rid of the dog, but just wants to train him so they don't have to deal with this anymore. But little did he knew, pet therapists and "whisperers" cost way too much, but fortunately for Elliot, he knew one person who could help.

Which takes us to  _One Hogan Place_ , where Alex and Casey worked. Now he only came in asking for Alex's help, but asking her for anything was costly. Not money, but other stuff. At least he knew what he was getting himself into.

Alex was just finishing up before she went home, when Elliot walked in. She looked up and greeted, "Elliot, nice to see you. What are you doing here so late?"

"I need some help, Alex." he told her, straight-forward.

"Sure, what do you need?"

"You see, I have this dog and so far, he has become a gigantic nightmare. So I came to you to see if you were able to do anything about it."

"Well okay? Why did you come to me for this problem?"

"Because I heard you are a master when it comes to animals so I thought I should come to you instead of wasting my money."

Hearing this, she was kind of skeptical that a dog could cause him any distress. But regardless of what the situation is, she got up from her chair and said, "Okay, I'll help you. And fortunately for you, you don't have to give me anything!"

Well, at least it wasn't going to cost him anything. Either way, Elliot asked the blonde ADA, "Okay, what do you plan to do?"

It wasn't well until they went to his house, when he realized what she expected to do. He explained the details plain and simple but by the time she got there, it was already going in a unusual direction. In his home, she was on the floor, with the dog already lying there, rubbing its stomach with her eyes closed.

Elliot leaned on the back of the couch when Kathy walked in, asking him, "What is she doing?"

"I honestly have no idea." he nodded, seeing how long this will actually take. Within minutes, she stopped and as for the dog, they had to find out.

"Okay, I'm finished. With my mind training, your dog is now fully disciplined." Alex told them.

"So basically, you brainwashed the dog?"

"Yeah. Pretty much something like that." she shrugged, "Well, let's see if it worked. Dog, find a newspaper."

The dog immediately got up and ran somewhere, they waited for a bit to see if it worked; yet, after twelve minutes, they assumed the dog simply ran off. But then, he came running back with something in its mouth, and it wasn't a newspaper. To be more specific, it was a human leg that he brought back.

The three were left in shock, as Elliot leaned over to Alex and whispered, "Where did he get the human leg from?"

"I don't know." she whispered back.

"I'm gonna go check on the kids really quick." Kathy told them both. It was better to be safe.

* * *

_Ask An SVU Character #4_

Back in the warehouse where Olivia hides her drugs... and where Alex hides her guns... and where Casey hides her gigantic stuffed dinosaur from Melinda... and lastly where Amanda hides her betting money, more questions had to be asked. And this time, it featured everybody's favorite psychiatrist, George Huang. He was no stranger to what had to be done here, yet he still had Casey with him.

"Now do you know what to do, doc?" Casey asked him.

"Of course, I've waited over a month and a half for my turn. I know what to do."

Casey gave him a blank look, and looked down at the paper, saying, "Alright, let's just get this show on the road."

_**Dear Doctor Huang, why did you go to Oklahoma?** _

"Like Elliot, I needed a change of scenery. Besides, I love Oklahoma and but I'm always willing to go back to New York."

_**Dear Doctor Huang, when did you know you were gay?** _

"Between 12 and 16. In those first two years, I was a little in doubt. But when I was fifteen, that's when I knew."

_**Dear Doctor Huang, after Alex's shooting, did Olivia come to you for counseling?** _

"Technically, I didn't know what happened to Alex. Like the others, I thought she was dead. So no, she didn't come to me about that."

_**Dear Doctor Huang, why do you fantasize about my hubby, Detective Stabler?** _

"I don't  _fantasize_  about Elliot, but his ass though. Wait? Kathy, is that you?"

_**Dear Doctor Huang, do you prefer contacts or glasses?** _

"Whichever works for my eyes."

_**Dear Doctor Huang, when did you tell the team that you were gay?** _

"When we were working on that one case with the pedophiles. Yeah, seriously. None of them knew until then."

"I knew you were gay long before them." Casey told him.

"I'm aware of that."

_**Dear Doctor Huang, have you ever been woken up in the middle of the night, by one of the detectives, Alex or Casey, for something not related to a case?** _

"Well this one time, Munch and Fin woke me up to go out and get tacos. And Melinda and I have been up in the middle of the night, hanging out since the others don't want too. Excluding Munch and Fin. And then there was Casey, who woke me up one night also to get tacos. Only difference is, we got hats."

"That was a good ass night." she nodded.

_**Dear Doctor Huang, have you ever hooked up with a coworker?** _

"Unfortunately, no. I'm the only gay man in the field office in New York. It is lonely but I do have lots of friends. Not counting the detectives."

"Aren't we friends?" Casey inquired.

"Damn straight."

_**Dear Doctor Huang, do you have a significant other?** _

"A gay man doesn't kiss and tell." he smiled.

"Really? I thought homosexuals were sort of chatty."

"Nope. It is an unwritten rule."

"Well whatever."

_**Dear Doctor Huang, how did your family take the news about you being gay?** _

"Well my father was very understanding, my sister didn't know what to say and my mother was somewhat mixed. But after the insults, she eventually understood. Sounds wrong but can't really blame her. My sister though, did understand too and supported me. I know that wasn't really funny, but I'm only being truthful."

"At least." Casey shrugged.

"Okay, that wraps up the twentieth chapter of our story. We'd like to thank everyone who has worked on this since day one and the people who gladly reviewed it regularly. Thank you and see you next time."

Casey turned off the camera and picked up their things, asking him as they left, "Hey, wanna go and get some tacos?"

"I'll call Munch and Fin right now."

* * *

**End of Chapter Twenty**


	21. Chapter 21

_Housekeeper *dun dun*_

It has been over two days since Captain Cragen ordered Olivia to go home, and they have started to worry. Ideally, they expected the very worse to happen to Olivia – but none of which caused by another person or thing. Couldn't blame them though for having such thoughts. Nonetheless, they had to go out to Olivia's apartment and see if she has either lost track of time, or rotting in her bedroom; graphic as it was, that's exactly what they were thinking.

As usual, they always try (including Cragen) to weasel their way out of anything Olivia related, and this time, they sent out Nick to go and check on her. He never imagined himself back at her door again, especially after  _last time_. No details available.

"Liv! Are you home?" Nick yelled out whist banging on the door, "If so, open the door."

It did not take very long until the door finally opened. However, Nick practically cringed when he saw that instead of Olivia opening the door, it was actually "the beast",  _William Lewis_. And yes, we went there. Get over it. In reaction, Nick pulled out his gun and scowled:

"What the hell are you doing here!? Where's Olivia?"

He turned around and said, "Madam Olivia, you have a visitor."

To his surprise, Olivia was  _actually_  sitting on her couch, eating chips, watching television and barefoot as she leaned over to the door and saw a befuddled Nick. This had to be some sort of joke because he did not understand why Lewis of  _all people_  was in her apartment – wearing an apron. Hell, it could be worse.

Nick barged inside and asked Olivia, "Liv, what the hell is he doing in your apartment?"

"Interesting story." Olivia replied, then explained to her partner, "You see, remember when the captain gave me time off? Well as I came home, this fellow had the audacity to break in and surprise me with a gun. Suffice to say, I changed him quite drastically."

"How did you pull that off?" he inquired.

"Don't know. The next morning, he was going through my liquor cabinet, and sobbing on the floor. Next thing, I turned him into my personal housekeeper."

None of this sounded right to him. Even despite the heinous things Lewis has done over the years, he didn't deserve to have anyone treat him like a slave – let alone by Olivia. But nevertheless, serves him right after all. If anything, he should have seen this coming sooner or later. Would've figured that it would occur in prison.

"Just so you know, I don't necessarily approve of this." Nick told her, "Still, I need a drink."

"Sure thing. Lewis?" Olivia called out, "Would you be a darling and get me and Nick a couple of beverages?"

"Yes, Madam Olivia." he groaned. He went over and poured them some liquor in a cup, then secretly placed something in Olivia's cup. Fortunately, she's not THAT oblivious.

* * *

_Don't Drop That (lyric removed) *dun dun*_

This day, like most, was no different in the SVU squad room. However, today was just slightly different. Like everyone, Captain Cragen has noticed the strange influence the internet has on his people, so much that they often reenact some of them during work hours, rather than well... work. But today, Cragen vowed to change that for good and for the better; knowing full well that this will not end very well regardless of how he tries.

During work, Cragen gathered his people for a special announcement in order to address his detectives and officers about the new changes that he has in store. Some envisioned that this would backfire, some believed that what it is, it could work; others just don't care either way.

"I also do not want to see anyone 'planking'. It's stupid." Cragen told his people, "Last but not least, If I hear anyone play that  _Don't Drop That Thun Thun_  something song, you will be suspended for a week. The more you do it, the harsher the suspension gets. Understand?"

They all nodded in agreement. Clearly, like all things, they are bound to get old. However, Olivia (who was nodding, her arms wrapped together and her legs crossed) had other plans for the squad. Even if it meant that she could get suspended. Wouldn't be the first time.

"Hey captain, I just need to tell you something." Olivia said to their captain.

"What do want, detective?"

"Oh nothing, I just wanted to tell you something. That in your hand, don't drop that."

"Don't drop what?" he wondered; the way she said it was odd, until, "Benson, don't you dare!"

But she did, of course. Olivia leaped out of her chair and shaking her ass (twerking, if you like to know), whist standing on two chairs – all while she played the song he specifically told them  _not_  to play. But like all the things she typically does, most of the squad followed suit. Some were quite good, others not so much. This angered Cragen, not because she started this, but the fact that she went against his orders – right as he proclaimed them.

He started to point directly at the offenders, while yelling, "You, you, you, and  _especially_  you! You're all suspended, leave right now."

And thus, almost an entire squad exited the precinct. The only people still left in the squad room was Fin, Nick and Amanda. They looked around with disbelief, as even them didn't know that would happen. Lastly, for Olivia, it was all worth it to her. Was it really worth it? Nope.

* * *

_Things Not Worth Talking About *dun dun*_

After another long, tiring, and most of all, typical day, Olivia decided to unwind and have some "me time." Usually, when someone says things like that, they're either gonna touch themselves, do drugs (or drink), or if the situation varies, something illegal. Knowing Olivia, she might either cry like she usually does (only if she's been drinking), or read a fantasy book, which for some strange reason, makes her think she's a warrior princess. Not exactly crazy, but certainly unorthodox.

This night, just happened to be a little different than usual. Why? Because she decided to turn on her television – which she almost never uses, try to figure out how a DVD player works, and play a movie. But not just any movie; in fact, it was a porno. Seriously.

Olivia jumped on her couch as the "skin film" played and said to herself, "Okay, surprise me."

Now if you have ever known Olivia like her friends and colleagues do, then it's very clear that Olivia would be the last person to ever watch porn. But something about it (penis) caught her interest in pornographic movies. Instinctively, she started to get aroused as she watched... well, we can't really describe it but she is obviously getting aroused and intrigued by it.

"Oh god..." she moaned, as he hand slowly reached down... there.

And then, like all men and boys who watch porn, they are bound to get caught – Olivia was no different. She practically jumped out of her skin as Nick and Amanda suddenly walked into her apartment uninvited; if she locks her door, then she wouldn't get caught. Once again, one of the reason why people get caught.

Nick and Amanda were surprised as they saw what was playing on her television and what she was about to do herself. Olivia quickly covered herself and immediately turned it off, turning to the detective and smiling at them. As if they didn't see anything.

"Hey, Nick. Hey, Amanda." Olivia greeted awkwardly.

Speaking of awkward, Nick cocked his head to the side and asked her, "Liv, what were you watching?"

"Nothing, I was watching the Discovery Channel until it suddenly switched to porn."

Amanda noticed the case of the DVD on the floor, which she commented, "Really? I didn't know they aired live TV on a DVD?"

Knowing that she was caught lying on top of it, Olivia sighed in shame and disappointment. Nick however, told her simply, "Liv, we don't care if you watch porn, and if you want to get off by it. I mean everybody watches porn, we won't judge you."

"We'll make fun of you." Amanda remarked.

"Yeah, we'll make fun of you. But we won't be judgmental about it. Understand?"

Olivia looked at them with confusion and disbelief; she didn't know what to make of this situation at all. In fact, she wanted to say something about this. But Nick and Amanda decided to walk out of her apartment, without saying anything, until Nick told her:

"Continue with what you were doing?"

As the detectives exited her apartment and closed the door, Amanda felt like telling her partner, "Is it weird that we saw her nips in that thing she was wearing?"

"She probably shouldn't wear white." he shrugged, as they walked away. They said nothing about the other stuff.

* * *

_The Truth About Rafael Barba *dun dun*_

We all ADA Rafael Barba is a sassy, awesome, coffee drinking prosecutor – not to mention sharply dressed, but nobody knows who he truly is. Could be anyone, really. Could secretly be a firefighter, astronaut, stripper, pimp, insurance salesman, anything to be honest. But you might as well find out.

As he and the detectives were working on a case; more rather, they just got out of court. As they were just about to call it a night, he waved to the detectives as he walked back into his office, it was very clear that they started to like him. And supposedly that was a good thing.

As soon as he closed the door, he suddenly started cackling. Even more so, that he looked like an evil villain of some sort. But there was a surprise – he reached up and grabbed a zipper that was for some reason, on the top of his head. Zipping it down, it is discovered that Barba isn't a man at all – or a person for that matter.

The moment the suit came off, it is revealed that it is actually Alex Cabot in the flesh... so to speak.

She grinned, "My plan is going along perfectly."

Alex started laughing again, as she zipped her Barba suit back up. And now we know.

* * *

_*****We now interrupt this chapter for a special message**** _

_**Nick**_  –  _"Did you know that the guy that plays me, also played a serial rapist? Seriously, look it up."_

_**Kathy** _ _\- "Did you know that whenever Elliot isn't around, I usually play the father card? Trust me, my feedback is really good."_

_**Olivia**_  -  _"Did you know that I have an extremely high tolerance for alcohol? I can drink six kegs and still be sober enough to drive."_

 _ **Amanda**_  -  _"Did you know that I found my dog in an alley one time when I was working?"_

 _ **Casey**_  -  _"Did you know that I used to smoke weed? Oh wait, I still do."_

 _ **Cragen**_  -  _"Did you know that I used to salsa dance? That was long ago."_

 _ **Brian**_  -  _"Did you know that the only way you can satisfy Olivia is with chocolate candy and Chardonnay?"_

 _ **Munch**_  -  _"Did you know that I can do the splits?_

 _ **George**_  -  _"Did you know that I was a former car salesman?"_

 _ **Melinda**_  -  _"Did you know that I can see ghosts? I told the others about this and they all laughed at me."_

 _ **Fin**_  -  _"Did you know that before I became a cop, I was also a rapper?"_

 _ **Barba**_  -  _"Did you know I am allergic to reptiles? Sounds strange, but I am."_

 _ **Elliot**_  -  _"Did you know that me, Kathy and Olivia used to have monthly threesomes? It was a way to make her feel less lonely, but not to pity her as well."_

 _ **Alex**_  -  _"Did you know that I'm completely terrified of spiders and bisexual? Believe that. A bisexual attorney who is afraid of spiders._

* * *

_****We now return to the story**** _

_When You Take Things Too Far *dun dun*_

Remember Alex's former obsession with Homestuck? So do we. And so do the other detectives. Over the past several months, they have had to watch Alex in ways they have never seen before. As it turns out, she gets awful bored of things quicker than most people. This fact alone has made this a consistent pain in the ass for her co-workers, if anything, she has become more of a liability to SVU. Now that may sound incredibly mean, but it is true.

If you look at it this way, she had had a lot of obsessions, mostly with television shows and books. First started with Homestuck, the web comic; but then she moved on to  _Harry Potter_ , but that ended quickly and found herself obsessing over  _The Hunger Games_ , but that ended quick. Then she began watching nothing but CBS shows, but eventually she started to hate the network. Then she got into  _Once Upon A Time_ , which lasted longer than it should have – until she was told to stop.

Overall, she goes through them faster than people go through underwear. But it was not until she went through a strange thing with the show  _Scandal_  was when she realized that she had a serious problem. So she decided to cut herself cold turkey. Yep, it sounds exactly as said.

She sold her television, her tablet, and canceled her subscriptions with online streaming sites. The only thing she didn't get rid of, was her cellphone. She tried to "fast" from books for a month, which could be the hardest thing she has ever done in her life. She reads, bleeds, and breaths books. Ever since she was a girl, she loved books but as she kept herself from books now, she noticed how dependent she was on books. Being dependent on books isn't a bad thing, but it surely doesn't seem normal.

Nevertheless, it was the hardest thing she has ever done. Eventually, she was able to break free but the question is: how long will it last? During her "fast", Captain Cragen noticed something certainly odd about what was going on.

He asked his detectives, "Where's Alex? Did she even come to work today?"

Rocking in his chair, Fin answered, "She's under her desk mumbling to herself. I'd leave her alone, if I were you."

* * *

_Who's Behind? *dun dun*_

If you haven't really noticed over the years, then you should know about what Alex does have. Yes, she a bad ass lawyer but that is not what we're talking about. Her features are something, which has caused the unexpected attraction of men and lesbians. But there is another feature that is often overlooked, so to speak. And no, it's not her chest. It is actually her ass. If you look at Alex, you see  _white woman with no butt,_  but like Olivia for example, she has some in the trunk.

And the strange part to all of it is, she is the  _only_  person who doesn't realize this. Go figure. Well, all of her colleagues sure notices this. Mostly Munch and Fin, who commonly see this whenever Alex is either walking 'away or bending down. It was also big surprises to them, considering how long they've known her. You would have thought they would give her a shout out.

One day at work, Alex started to notice. Not her behind, but the fact that Munch and Fin were constantly looking at it. Hell, even Olivia has stared at her backside several times. But no matter how many times people have looked, she needed to know what was going on. She caught them red handed, and although she wasn't exactly angry, she needed to know.

Alex turned around and said, "Okay, what is going on? Why do you two keep looking at my ass? Is there something stuck to it again?"

"Oh no, it's not that, we're just noticing how..." Munch tried to explain, but was thinking of a way to tell her.

"You got a big ass, Alex." Fin told her, bluntly. Alex was both flattered and flustered by his reaction, which made it difficult for her to say anything.

"My what is big? No it's not!" Alex exclaimed.

To their surprise, Cragen was standing behind them, when he stated, "Alex, I agree. Your butt is pretty large. Not 'black girl' size, but good enough."

She started to get frustrated, if anything. Ultimately she started a fit, and yelled out, "My ass is  _not_  that big! Elliot's ass is huge, not mine."

Elliot, who was at his desk, smiled and remarked, "Why thank you."

Clearly she was upset, but Fin aimed to make things better, "Look Alex, we're not saying having a nice ass is a bad thing. Hell, Olivia said that you have a nice ass. That must mean something. But still, have you never noticed before?"

"No I haven't, but is it really that big?" she asked, turning around for them.

"It's not big, like mine or any big person, but it's a considerably good size. Just own it, without being full of your self." Elliot told her.

It all started to make sense to Alex, who turned her mood around and smiled. She put her hands on her hips, and said, "You know what? You're right. Thinking about it, I  _do_  have a good looking back side, don't I?"

"You have the second best ass in this squad." Cragen proclaimed.

"Second? To who?"

He points to Elliot, who smiles once again when they mentioned it again. Alex shrugged and walked out the squad room, feeling good about herself which is always good. Munch, Fin and Cragen looked at each other and waited for one of them to say something. Elliot stayed at his desk, doing his work but he was also flattered himself. Even though one of those "compliments" was from his captain, so that is quite a rocky thing to consider.

"I still believe that Alex has a huge ass." Munch remarked.

"Her ass isn't that big, Munch." Fin retorted.

Just as he was throughout the conversation, Elliot chimed in, "If Olivia was here, she'd have the third best ass in the squad."

"Agreed." Cragen nodded.

At least it was an accurate statement.

* * *

**End of Chapter Twenty-One**


	22. Chapter 22

_SVU In A Nutcracker (Christmas special)_

In New York City, Christmas was especially a special type of holiday. If you had to choose one city that decks itself in holiday gear, it would be this city. Though some don't celebrate it like others, and few seem to celebrate the holiday in other ways, Christmas was certainly a special holiday for everyone. Which takes us to the 16th Precinct, where the detectives of Manhattan Special Victims Unit were treating this time of year as they would any other day.

It was almost two weeks until Christmas and the squad room looked unbearably mundane. They was little to no decorations around the squad room (or even the precinct), considering that the holiday was less than a few weeks away. Whether it having to do with the squad's unwillingness to celebrate the holidays at work, or the separation of church and state, they're wasn't much celebrating going on in the squad room. And nobody felt like doing something.

One day, as the detectives were walking into the squad room with Captain Cragen, they were doing usual work as they walked down the hallway and into the squad room. Nick, Munch, Barba, Fin and Amanda were the ones who were accompanying the commander as they were having a discussion.

"Do any of you have a complaint, or at the very least, have a case to work on?" Cragen asked them.

Nick shrugged and replied, "Sorry captain, for some reason this time of year is quite slow."

"Does that mean we get the rest of the year off?" Munch inquired.

"No, Munch." said Captain Cragen, "We'll do our work as planned. You all want your holiday bonuses, right?"

They all nodded, including Barba, who didn't exactly work for the NYPD. As they entered the squad room, they were surprised to see what had happened to place. They're were Christmas decorations all over the place, something that wasn't there not long ago. There were bows and poinsettias, candy canes and such. And even a gigantic tree, that was at the moment being decorated as well. They wondered who did all of this and asked around – but to no avail.

Amanda said in disbelief, "What happened to this place?"

"Looks like somebody here is in the Christmas spirit." Fin remarked, looking around at the decorations. They noticed how each desk had a candy cane with a bow wrapped around it. But as they looked around, they witnessed Elliot Stabler walking out of the captain's office, carrying multiple weapons in a box. Suddenly this did not look right.

"Elliot? Is that you?" Cragen asked, hoping to confirm that it is him.

He turned around and replied, "Oh hey, captain. Long time no see."

"Nice to see you back, El." Fin smiled, seeing his old colleague after so long. Meanwhile, Nick and Amanda didn't understand what was going on – plus the fact that they didn't know who he was. Barely that is.

"Yeah, I'm just setting up as all." Elliot told them, then noticed Nick and Amanda confused stares; then asked, "Who the hell are these two?"

"Um, allow me to explain." Cragen replied, introducing them to the old detective, "Elliot, this is Detective Nick Amaro and Amanda Rollins. They came in a few years ago. Amaro, Rollins – this is Elliot Stabler, he was one of our own."

Nick and Amanda leaned over and brought out their hands, then Nick greeted, "Nice to meet you. I heard a lot about you."

"Yeah, good to know."

"Pleasure to meet you as well." Amanda also greeted, then she asked, "Did you put up all of these decorations?"

"Hate to break it to you, but it wasn't me." Elliot answered.

"Then who was it?" Munch asked. Until they heard a sudden voice from behind, which unsurprisingly, turned out to be Olivia. But it wasn't her responding to his question but she in face grunted, as she carried a heavy box into the squad room.

Olivia placed the box on the floor and noticed them speaking to her old partner, so she said, "Hey guys, about time you guys came."

"Liv, _you_ did all of this?" Nick inquired.

"Damn straight." she smiled, "You all should have been here sooner, I've been here all day putting these decorations up by myself."

"I have to admit, Benson. You did a damn fine job putting all these up." Barba stated, as he was in awe of how an amazing job she did, "These decorations looks so elegant, how much did you spend on all of this?"

Olivia said bluntly, "Wasn't cheap, I'll tell you that. I saved up over three months worth of paychecks to buy these and then some. I almost forgot to pay my rent."

"So you'd rather spend your money on Christmas decorations, than paying rent?"

She stood there in silence and said, completely off-subject, "Well, I decided to spend a pretty penny to deck out the precinct for the holidays. But it's not all Christmas stuff after all, I even put up some Hanukkah stuff for Munch."

When they took a look, they noticed something wrong about it. Which Munch asked, "Why is it all in the trash?"

Again she stood there silent, and once again, said off-topic, "So I got some beautiful poinsettias, these wreaths, bells, stockings. I really went all out."

"I bet you did." Cragen replied.

"Well, I assure you all. This year will be _**the best**_ Christmas ever!" Olivia proclaimed.

"How so?" Fin inquired.

"Well, I convinced George to come home to celebrate with us. Alex, Casey and Melinda will be around more this year. Also, I have you guys to celebrate it with me. So this will be the best Christmas ever. And anyone who disagrees, is a dick."

"Yeah, okay then." Amanda nodded, then turned attention to Elliot and his weapons, "By the way, what are you doing with those weapons anyways?"

At first, Elliot didn't believe that Amanda was talking to him, but he noticed how she was looking at him and replied, "Oh me? Yeah, I'm just preparing for another Christmas battle with Alex."

"Oh my god." Fin groaned, "Y'all are doing that _again_?"

"Yep."

Nick chimed in, "Wait, what does he mean a _Christmas battle_?"

From afar, Olivia explained, "Every year, Elliot and Alex participate in this ridiculous fight against each other that lasts until Christmas."

"Yeah, it's tradition." Elliot added, "Well, except for those other years where Alex was in witness protection."

"Last time you were here, you two almost ran each other over with your cars." Cragen stated.

"That was the weirdest holiday I can remember." Munch recalled.

Though that did get ugly, Elliot shrugged, "Yeah, but like I said – it's tradition. And this year, we'll be picking up on what we left off."

"Already I know that this doesn't sound good." Cragen sighed, he walked into his office before Olivia interrupted him and asked:

"Hey, aren't you coming with me to the mall?"

Nick was curious of this, and asked, "Why are you going to the mall?"

"Correction: We are going to the mall. I wanted to last week, but it was brutal." Olivia explained, grabbing her jacket and yelling out, "Come on, guys!"

They all looked at each other, all of which not wanting to go with her. But they didn't seem to care anyways; besides, nothing was keeping them anyway. Amanda shrugged and said, "Alright, guys. We got nothing better to do. Let's go."

They all followed Olivia straight to the mall – except Munch, who exclaimed, "Oh no no, miss. There is no fucking way I'm going to the mall with _her_."

"How come?" Nick inquired.

Munch turned over to Fin and Elliot, and asked, "Don't you remember the _last time_ she went to the mall for anything? She wound up driving a car through the place trying to catch someone."

Fin, Elliot and Cragen had the unfortunate pleasure of remembering it, which Fin nodded, "Oh yeah, I remember that day. I'm surprised that she didn't come out with more that _just_ a suspended license."

"As a matter of fact," Elliot recalled, "I'm pretty sure her license _was_ suspended."

They continued to walk away; this time without Munch, as Cragen said as he walked off, "Well take care, John. Someone has to watch the squad room while I'm gone."

"Sure thing, captain." he replied, watching the others walk out the squad room.

* * *

_**-Later that day-** _

In one of the malls in the New York area, not going to identify the mall but either way, they were there. The detectives followed a unusually ecstatic Olivia, who ran into the mall as if she was a little girl. They hoped that she didn't try to get on Santa Claus while she was there. They really couldn't assure that she wouldn't. But they did notice how crowded the place was, and it reminded them of how insufferable it was to shop at malls at this time of year – especially in New York.

They all went their separate ways, most notably Nick and Amanda, who did their own Christmas shopping. Nick had things to buy for his little girl, while Amanda was almost entirely buying things for _other people_. But that was the entire purpose of the concept. Cragen went elsewhere, not so much as telling where he was going, but he left either way. Which left Elliot and Fin, who were walking through the mall, taking this time to perhaps buy presents for loved ones.

Until they just happened to run into Alex, who was dressed in a seemingly racy Christmas outfit. She was more than happy to see Fin, but not so much with Elliot. She knew that it was that time of year, and all she did was glare at him; but she still approached him – as did he.

Now face to face with one another, Elliot said to the blonde, "Why hello, Alexandra. Another year already?"

"It certainly is, Elliot." she replied, sternly. "Are you prepared to continue where we left off?"

"You two need some help." Fin exclaimed.

Then suddenly, Alex switched gears when she saw Fin, so she ran to him and greeted with a smile, "Fin! Merry Christmas!"

This made him slightly uncomfortable, but Fin hugged her back and said, "Yeah, Merry Christmas to you too."

"So are you willing to admit defeat this year, Alex?" Elliot asked her, but before Alex could give a rebuttal, Olivia showed up unexpectedly. She was still unusually happy at the moment, which they couldn't understand. But like what she did with Fin, she turned over to Olivia and mustered a smile.

"Olivia! So nice to see you." Alex greeted, opening her arms for a hug.

She ran straight to her and greeted whist hugging her, "Alex! I'm so glad you're here!"

The two engaged in a tight hug, which lasted for a little while; but as Alex stopped, Olivia on the other hand, did not let go of her grip. This was starting to become more uncomfortable as she held her tight; and though she was done, she said:

"Um, Liv? You can let go of me." Alex tried to pry her off, but she countered it by hugging her tighter, which Alex pleaded, "Okay, Liv. Hug is over, now let me go!"

It wasn't until Fin had to pry her off of Alex was when she finally decided to let go. It was one of the longest, most uncomfortable hug Alex has ever received. She brushed her hair to the back and asked, "Liv, what is the matter with you? You seem... happier than usual. Or _at all._ What's going on?"

Fin chimed in and explained, "Liv is like this because of the holiday season. We don't get it either, but we're just rolling with it."

"Is that why I'm here?" George inquired, who happened to show up out of nowhere, like Olivia.

They turned around and saw that the doctor was standing right in front of them; Elliot was the first to greet him, "Hey, doc. Long time no see. Last I heard you were in Oklahoma."

"Hey, Elliot. Well yeah I _was,_ but Liv called me and convinced me to come back to the city for the holidays." he replied.

"At least you came." Olivia rebutted.

George nodded and replied, "Yeah, I sure did. Now I'm wondering what else should I do?"

Straying away from the topic, Alex pulled out a fruit cake and told Elliot, "Oh and I want to give you this, as a peaceful beginning to another Christmas battle."

Elliot accepted the fruit cake and replied, "Why thank you, Alex. I'm glad you want to start things off on a good slate."

Alex walked away from them and told him, "Be sure to eat it all!"

He smiled at the departing blonde, which turned into a grin as she left. The moment George saw the fruit cake, his eyes lit up and eagerly asked him, "Is that a fruit cake? Can I have some?"

Elliot knew better than to accept anything food-based from Alex, and he obviously knew what may be inside. In a fortune of good will (somewhat), Elliot handed him the fruit cake and answered, "Yeah, doc. As a matter of fact, you ca have the entire thing. Merry Christmas!"

"Merry Christmas, El!" he smiled, walking away with it whist eating it piece by piece. Fin looked over and him, who was mindlessly eating a possibly poisoned cake, and then glared at Elliot when he noticed what he did. He didn't say anything, but he knew all too well.

_Sometime later,_ Fin and Elliot was walking around the mall, this time without Olivia, who just so happened to vanish once again. They were starting not to question why she kept on disappearing, but at the same time, they still had a bit of concern. The two were having a casual conversation, which was more ranged at catching up after he was absent for a few years. But as they walked through the mall, literally out of nowhere, Alex popped up from behind.

"What's happening, guys?" she shouted from behind, startling them both. They turned around only to see that it was her, which they weren't too phased.

"Where did you go?" Fin asked the blonde.

"I needed to take a break. I'm one of Santa's assistants." Alex explained.

Elliot raised an eye brow and asked, "Is that why you are in that ridiculous skimpy outfit?"

"Unfortunately. I felt like getting some extra cash. Besides, we all know that it takes a certain amount of guts to wear something like this." she answered, "Even you wouldn't degrade yourself."

"Good point." he agreed.

Alex ran in front of them and told them, "Come on, you two. Let me show you where I'm working."

They both followed her to the so-called _Santa's Workshop_ , where they would bet a first hand look at where she was working... temporarily that is. When they got there, they got to take a look at the absurdly large line of children hoping to tell "Santa" what they want for Christmas. As they watched from a considerable distance, they were enlighten by the many children telling a man in a Santa Claus suit about what they wanted. Christmas seemed more special when it came to kids.

They watched for around ten minutes and they talked about some hogwash about Christmas. Not to sound like a Grinch, but that's what's happening. Fin turned his head over to Alex and asked, "So this is where you work, Alex?"

"Oh yeah." she replied, then explained, "I like though. Some of the kids may be a bunch of spoiled little bastards, but I got nothing to say about it."

"I suppose your right." Fin nodded.

"Although, this guy really seems to love being around children is what I've learned." she stated.

Fin took a good look at it and replied, "Yeah a bit _too_ much."

Meanwhile, Elliot was staring at the man playing Santa and something didn't seem right to him. He noticed how much long he stroked their backs, and how he licked his lips when he glanced at them. Elliot glared at the man, allowing his fatherly instincts to kick in. He knew it all too well. He then strayed from Fin and Alex, who were in the midst of a conversation; however they noticed how he was walking towards the man slowly and perhaps a bit angrily.

They looked over and Fin called out, "El? Where are you going?"

"Um, Elliot? What are you doing?" Alex called out as well. But Elliot ignored both of them, and proceeded to approach the Santa. In no less that a few seconds, Elliot was right next to Santa; he didn't notice him until a child noticed him. He looked up and saw how Elliot was glaring at him, which got him confused.

"Can I help you?" said the man dressed as Santa Claus.

"Could I speak to you alone for a second?" Elliot asked, in a rather cold and stern tone.

"I don't know what you're talking about?" he exclaimed.

Elliot knocked the child off of his lap and picked him up off the seat and escorted him somewhere. He then told him, "You and I need to have a little talk."

"If you want to tell me what you want, I can gladly do it _over there_." he told him.

But he wasn't interested, and rebutted, "All I want right now is an empty broom closet."

Though they wanted to do something about this, Fin and Alex stood there as they both knew what's going on, in which Fin said to Alex, "This doesn't look good."

"No it doesn't." Alex nodded.

After about twenty minutes, only one person returned, and unsurprisingly it turned out to be Elliot. However, he came out now dressed as Santa Claus; the children didn't seem much of a difference, but Alex and Fin knew all too well that it was Elliot. And what happened to the _other_ Santa? Well, he is, at the moment, tied up and naked – all after he was savagely beaten by Elliot. He managed to play it off as if nothing happened, and walked up on the throne and assumed his duties.

"Merry Christmas, everyone!" Elliot said to all the adults and children, unaware of the fact that he had blood on the white parts of the suit, "I had a little accident, but I'm all better. Now who's next?"

Despite the many kids raising their hands, the closest child in the line came up to him instead, rendering their attempts useless. As he spoke to a little girl about what she wanted for Christmas, Alex walked over, also trying to play off what she was about to do.

"Sorry kids, me and Santa need to talk." she said, as she waved and smiled at them. She yanked Elliot up and whispered, "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"I'm Santa Claus, Alex." Elliot whispered back, "Is there a problem with that?"

"So where's the other Santa?"

"Oh he's taking a long break. He asked me to fill in." he explained, even though the other Santa, as previously mentioned, was currently locked in a broom closet. Either way, it didn't matter as Elliot showed himself as a far better Santa than the other ever was. Alex continued to smile, even though she was at war with Elliot; no matter how she felt, she had to do her job.

Fin stayed for a little bit, watching Elliot talk to the children; that and he had nowhere else to be. Then a voice spoke out to Fin and said, "Wow. Elliot sure has a thing for kids. Am I right?"

"Mm-hm." he nodded; until he noticed that voice and looked over to his side, only to find that it was Munch – wearing an elf costume. "Munch? What the hell are you doing here? I thought you didn't want to come here?"

"Initially at first, I didn't want to go," Munch explained, "But then I realized that I had to go to work, so here I am."

Fin took a glance of his uniform and exclaimed, "That's messed up."

"Tell me about it." Munch retorted, "I'm the tall Jew, dressed as Santa's elves, surrounded by a clique of midgets."

"I would say they're more of a _gang_ , but either way, you're surrounded by midgets."

Overhearing the conversation, one of the tiny elves turned around and told them, "Hey, we prefer if you call us 'little people'. We find it offensive."

"I'm not offended." said one of the other elves, "Besides, what's the difference?"

"Damn it, Jerry. If you keep talking, then I'm gonna hit you again."

The elf known as Jerry would rip open a soda can, using a sharp part of it and said, "Bring it on, mini bitch."

And suddenly they started fighting, rolling around the area. The others didn't seem to care, as they were either talking, smoking, or worse try to do drugs in front of the kids. Munch and Fin were enjoying this all too well; even though Munch has seen this many times before.

Fin chuckled and smiled at them fighting, and told Munch, "I'm gonna get outta here before I die of laughter."

"I'll record it for you." he replied, as Fin walked away.

* * *

_While Olivia was off doing something else, Elliot was playing Santa, and Munch was watching two midgets -err, I mean "little people" fight_ , Nick and Amanda were walking together through the mall, being the only other ones that were alone. No one seemed to want them around for some reason, and they simply decided to walk through the mall, looking around at what is there and mostly having a deep conversation, which was either about sports or Star Trek.

As they walked around, about to walk passed a fountain, Amanda asked, "Hey, how come we're not the main characters of this story?"

"We're not as important as Alex and Olivia." Nick answered; that was when they were met by Cragen and Barba, who also had nothing else better to do but to hang around the mall. Unlike the rest of them at the moment, they actually did some shopping.

"Detectives, what a coincidence to see you guys." Barba greeted the two detectives.

"We all came together, remember?" Amanda stated.

He nodded in agreement, now that it came back to him. Anyways, Cragen asked them both, "So what are you two doing?"

"Nothing. Just walking and talking." Nick replied.

Amanda chimed in and added, "Yeah, we've been talking about Klingons and debating if the Mets will suck again next year."

Cragen stood there in silence, then moved on from the subject. He showed them the bags he and Barba were carrying and said, "Well we have been out doing some shopping for you guys, and a few choice others. And just so you know, we're not showing you guys."

"That's fine. I should be doing some shopping myself." Nick shrugged; his comment raised a couple eyebrows – Cragen and Amanda to be specific.

"What for? Is there something that you're trying to get?" asked Amanda.

He turned over to her and explained, "Well, I have been looking for a dog, you know? One that will bring some joy to my family this year."

"Oh. Well, I can help you with that." Amanda told him, "I know of a guy who'll find you one before Christmas Eve."

"You sure about that?" he inquired.

"Absolutely! Don't worry, I'll take care of it."

They smiled at each other, then Nick said, "Thanks, Amanda."

_Meanwhile_ , Olivia was... well, it was a little difficult to explain what she was doing. But to summarize it – she has skipped around the mall, spelled the flowers and dropped to the floor and did a "snow angel", something that drew concern with others. Suffice to say, she was unusually happy this year, as opposed to other years where she was downright depressed. As sad as it sounded, it is true; though nobody passing by really wanted to know what she was doing, some actually joined her.

At the same time, Fin was walking around, noticing her doing snow angels on the floor. He looked down for a second and then looked back up, going along with his business. He was not interested in the fact that he was dragged here, so they could keep her happy. But to his surprise, he heard a male voice calling his name; it wasn't his son, neither was it anyone he knew on the job – he looked over and saw Jack McCoy waving and walking his direction.

He managed to get in front of Fin and he said, "So glad I ran into you, detective."

"What do you want?" he asked, not in a blunt manner however. Fin didn't understand why he wanted to speak with him.

"I need you help with something." Jack told him, instructing Fin to follow him.

Now none of this made sense to Fin, as he wondered why this guy would want _any_ help from him. And then he asked, "So what do you need me for?"

"I need you to help me get someone a Christmas present."

He raised an eyebrow and rebutted, "Okay. Who is it your trying to shop for?"

"Casey Novak." Jack turned around and answered, "I want to get her something that I definitely know she will love."

"Why?" Fin inquired.

"Because even though she doesn't work for me anymore, I still hope to get her something nice." he explained, "And I know exactly where to start."

When Jack told Fin that they were shopping for Casey, he _assumed_ that he was going to drag him into a ladies' store – but that would look intensely creepy to others, or even a jewelry store but that depended if he actually had the paper to get her anything there. But among the many, many places that he could have dragged him into, he was stumped when he discovered where Jack led him too. _A toy store._

Fin was in disbelief of the fact that this was the place where Jack wanted to buy Casey a Christmas present. In fact, not even Jack himself could really come up with an excuse as to why they were there. Regardless of how they felt, they were doing this for Casey. As it seemed.

"Why are we in a toy store?" he asked.

Searching around, Jack explained, "We're here to find something for Casey. She used to have these stuffed animals lying around her office, so I figured that she might like one."

"If you're gonna get here a stuffed anything, it better be huge." Fin stated, "That is something you need to know. She likes _**large**_ stuffed animals."

"Judging from what I'm looking at, she won't be satisfied with these." Jack agreed, dissatisfied by the variety of stuffed toys that were in stock. But suddenly, the cashier overheard their conversation, as they were literally right by the counter as they were talking.

The cashier approached them, and asked, "Are you looking for a big stuffed animal?"

Jack and Fin turned around, with interest in their minds. Fin replied, "Yeah, what are you offering?"

"I know a guy, that sells the biggest, largest stuffed animals you've ever seen. Perhaps I can put in a word for you two, to help you out."

They looked at each other, seeing if they should accept this man's offer – even though he looked way too shady. But they turned back and Jack told him, "Give us the location and time where we should meet this person."

"I'll be sure to do that." he nodded, walking away from Jack and Fin. They walked out of the toy store, unaware of what they got themselves into.

* * *

_It was Christmas Eve, and everyone was preparing for Christmas Day._ It was early in the evening, when Nick was at home waiting for Amanda to bring the dog he was asking for. He never bothered to explain why he wanted to get a dog for the family, not even his wife. He assumed that someone was going to bring a dog tomorrow morning, so he decided to go to bed early.

But then he heard the door knock several times, all of which were suspiciously quiet. Before he could make his way to the bedroom, he turned around and answered the door. The moment he opened it, he noticed that nobody was there, which made him wonder if someone was playing a prank on him. But Nick looked down and saw a dog with a bow on its head; given that Amanda told "this guy" that it was a Christmas gift, he thought she made a special request.

_However_ , things turned horribly wrong. The exact moment Nick tried to bring it inside, the dog decided to make himself welcome – by that, he lunged and attacked Nick. The dog went for his wrist, and then he went out for his ankle. Unsurprisingly, Maria came in from their bedroom to find her husband on the floor being chewed up like a toy, but the one thing she was _more_ concerned about was why there was a dog in the first place.

She ran to Nick, and instead of helping him, she yelled, "Nick, what the hell is going on? Why is there a dog in here?"

"Get this dog off of me!" he yelled back, as the dog was literally dragging him out the door. Now she tried to help him out, by separating the vicious dog from him.

As soon as he was free, he ran as far as he could from it. Maria was holding it by its collar, while she asked him, "What is this dog doing in here?"

"It was _**supposed**_ to be a Christmas present." he replied.

"You were going to give us a dog that _just_ attacked you?"

"I didn't know it was dangerous to begin with."

"Why are we wasting out time arguing? Let's get this thing out of here!"

They wasted no time by throwing the dog outside, so that it won't attack him or her or their daughter; speaking of which, she managed to sleep through _everything_ that happened. But they didn't seem to notice that fact either, so lucky for them. _Meanwhile, inside the squad room_ , rather than being at home with their families on Christmas Eve, Alex and Elliot continued their Christmas battle, which began at the mall when they started fighting with candy canes.

Other than the fact that they managed to scare and/or confuse many children, they were bordering on all-out anarchy. Elsewhere, the squad spent their remaining hours wrapping things up before Christmas Day, despite the fact that they should have been home today, but unfinished work kept them there for a little while longer. As they were about to finish up, they were bothered by something.

Walking out of his office, Cragen noticed some noise coming from outside, but the only people that were there was Munch, Amanda, Fin and George. It didn't stop him from asking, "What is all that noise?"

"I know you may think we have something to do with it," Munch replied, "But it's not us. So I guess we're the good ones."

Amanda walked over and explained to him, "He's right, captain. The noise isn't coming from us. It's coming from _them_."

By "them", she meant Alex and Elliot – who were throwing stuff at each other and at the moment, they were hiding. Cragen couldn't help but notice the vast amount of broken glass on the floor, a spear that was stuck on the wall and the fact that they were terrible at hiding. It was hard _not_ to notice Alex hiding behind the Christmas tree, while Elliot was hiding behind one of the desks.

"How long has this been going on?" Cragen inquired.

"An entire week, to be specific." Fin answered.

"Something tells me that there's more to this than they've revealed." George chimed in, suspecting something odd about this.

Amanda turned over to the tree and saw Alex taking quick peeks, to which she said, "Hey, are you gonna get out from over there, or should I pry you out?"

"Damn it, you gave away my hiding spot!" Alex growled, even though everybody noticed her. But out of surprise, Elliot jumped out of his hiding spot and launched an attack on Alex, by throwing candy canes at her. As stupid as it was, she retaliated by swiping some of the Christmas ordainments and threw them back at him.

Somewhere along the lines, what was supposedly a throwing contest, turned into straight up violence. The ordainments somehow started exploding like grenades, which he was able to avoid; Elliot used whatever he could to shoot the candy canes like a arrow. But it didn't stop there, unfortunately. Alex ripped down the lights and used them as a lasso, grabbing Elliot by the ankle. He cut it off and got back up, this time by throwing the candy canes as if they were knifes.

They wanted to stop them, but they proved for too dangerous to intervene. At some point, their fighting turned physical, as they started throwing punches and kicks. Not exactly those you would see in a movie, but it was close enough. When Elliot kicked Alex to the wall, something fell down on the ground, something that nobody seemed to notice. Eventually, they had no other choice but to restrain them after it escalated to the point where the entire squad room was trashed.

Fin and Cragen restrained Elliot, while Amanda and George restrained Alex. While trying to keep them separated, Cragen yelled out, "That is enough! Now I am tired of seeing you two fight every year."

"But it's tradition!" Alex objected.

"Well your 'tradition' ends now."

"The captain is right, you two!" Amanda agreed, but there was more to her sentence – until she took a whiff and looked around, and she asked, "Is something on fire?"

This raised some concern at that moment, however her suspicions were true, as they turned around and saw the Christmas tree, among other things, burning down. Turns out, Alex knocked down the menorah, which Munch lit up earlier; this triggered the smoke alarm and within moments, it spread to the rest of the squad room. They acted quickly, and rushed to find a extinguisher to put out the fire. They were lightly successful, but sirens were heard from afar.

About an half hour later, Olivia was leaving the precinct to pick something up. She wasn't really paying attention to what was going on, since she was downstairs, until she was bumped by a firefighter. That was when she looked up and saw smoke coming out of the precinct. Seeing the trucks and firefighters that were there, she immediately ran upstairs to see what happened. Meanwhile, inside the squad room, it was practically charred with nothing but remains of the Christmas decorations.

Amanda and Fin told fire investigators about what happened, while Cragen tried to figure out what to do with Alex and Elliot, who caused the fire. Munch and George tried their best to clean up the pieces, but the damage was already done. Words couldn't describe how angry Cragen was at that moment, because he literally couldn't do anything to either of them; but he maintained his temper and was ready to walk back into his office, which was among the few places that wasn't affected.

"I can't believe this happened." Amanda said, while shaking her head in disappointment.

"None of this didn't have to happen, you guys." Munch replied. Then to make matters worse, Olivia walked in the squad room and was in complete disbelief. She slowly walked in, only to see how bad the damage was. At some point, she was close to tears when she saw her hard work burned, wet and on the floor.

She couldn't think of anything else to say, but look up at them and said, "Why? Haven't I suffered enough already?"

Being one of the central causes of this, Elliot walked over and said, "Liv, this was an accident."

"That's a lie. You guys didn't want to celebrate Christmas with me, so you destroyed everything I put up." she assumed, even though that wasn't how it happened, "You know what? If you guys want me to stay miserable, then you got your wish."

They tried to say something to calm her down, but she was in no mood to hear any of it. So she picked up her jacket and left; but actually, when she touched the jacket, it combusted and turned into dust. That was when she ran out the precinct, crying. Seeing how torn up she was about this, filled them with guilt – especially Alex and Elliot. About sometime after that, Nick and Casey walked in the squad room only to see what happened.

Nick looked around and exclaimed, "My God. What happened in here?"

They looked around themselves and Munch replied, "You would have thought it would be self-explanatory, but if you need to know, Alex and Elliot were fighting and they caused a fire which burned the Christmas decorations."

"Is that why we saw Liv running out crying?" Casey inquired, then focused her attention to the culprits, "Damn it, you guys. Why are you still doing this? Last time I was here, you two were facing ten years."

"I have a weird feeling that this seems similar to something." George thought out loud.

But they disregarded it and Elliot asked around, "So what can we do to fix all of this?"

Out of nowhere, Cragen told them _all_ , "We will replace every single decoration that was destroyed. Me and John will talk to Olivia, while the rest of you take care of the rest."

"Well in the meantime, I'll go-" Elliot told them, until Cragen told him (and Alex).

"You're not going anywhere. Since you two caused all of this, you two will find a brand new tree."

"Where are we gonna find a tree on Christmas Eve?" Alex exclaimed.

"Don't know, don't care. Find one."

He walked away without saying another word, leaving them to pull a last-second Christmas miracle out of their asses; they were aware that they've messed up (still Alex and Elliot), but with only several hours until Christmas, they had to do something quick. So they all scattered to find Christmas decorations, but it will prove that it won't be easy.

After the fire, all of them went to their homes and took down everything that they had up for the holidays. Virtually everything that they could take down and bring back, they did; and it ranged from lights, to flowers, to ordainments and so fourth. To make it rather quick, they just took whatever they could – didn't matter where they got it from, as long as it made Olivia happy. Even Elliot, who partly caused the fire, went home and stole his family's Christmas tree.

* * *

Speaking of Olivia, she was in a deeper depression than she has ever been; seeing how her hard work led to this happening left her distraught and despite the fact that it was an accident, she refused to believe otherwise. But then Munch and Cragen paid her a little visit to try and talk to her, and perhaps see why all of it was so important to her. They knocked on the door, which they discovered was unlocked – but they came in and saw her sobbing in her pillow.

They approached her slowly, and Cragen rubbed her back and said, "Liv? Is everything alright?"

She looked up to see them in her apartment, and put her head back on her pillow and replied, "No it's not alright, captain."

"Come on, get up. I want to talk to you." he told her, as he and Munch lifted her up. "Now, I want to know right now. Explain to me why all of this meant so much to you?"

Wiping away the tears off her face, she looked down for a little bit until she finally explained to them, "You don't know how it feels like to be truly lonely, captain."

"Lonely? You're talking to the man who is just as lonely as you." Munch objected.

"Shut up, John. Now it not the time." Cragen told him, then turned back to Olivia, "Now, you were saying?"

As tough as it was to admit it, she went right out with it and said, "Every year, I've always had the misfortune to celebrate Christmas alone, that is why I'm so depressed this time of year. This is why this year was so important to me. I decided to spend the holidays with the people I've been so close too all these years, because I knew that even though you all were uncomfortable with it, for just this _one_ year – maybe... maybe I wouldn't feel so alone."

As heart wrenching it was for him to hear, there was something else he was hearing also; by that he heard a violin playing while she was explaining herself. Cragen turned around and saw Munch playing the violin; it wasn't surprising at the very least to see him make light of a bad situation like this.

He shouted, "John! Enough of that."

Munch quickly defended himself, "What? I can't play a little violin now and again?"

"I'm glad you two came to see if I'm alright," Olivia told them, getting up off the couch, "But I know that there is nothing else that you guys can do to fix everything that happened. Good night, you guys."

Having heard enough, she walked to her bedroom and hoped to take a nice long sleep. But Cragen got up and asked her, "Liv, before you go to bed. Can you do this one favor?"

She turned around and replied, "What do you want me to do?"

"I want you to come to the precinct tomorrow, we have a surprise for you."

As much as she didn't want to, she nodded and walked straight into her bedroom. Munch and Cragen effectively left as well, but their concerns were quite large, as they wondered how they hoped to decorate the entire squad room before Christmas morning. But throughout the evening, they spent the entire night cleaning and fixing the entire squad room. The process mostly consisted of them cleaning up the burned stuff, and reorganize everything that wasn't affected.

What took practically the rest of the night was the fact that they had to redecorate everything, back to the way she had it before. None of them really remembered how everything was set up exactly, even though they've seen it for days prior. At some point they were convinced that they couldn't get everything done in time before they dragged Olivia back. There was no purpose in presenting her a half ass attempt at making things right.

* * *

_Finally, it was Christmas Day_ , and while most of their families wondered where they went at this time, they were putting in blood (figuratively) to fix the problem that they happened to cause. Well it was difficult to say who really caused it. But anyways, they got some a little sleep after they worked all night and when they came back outside, they stood and sat in waiting.

Among the ones who were exhausted, Casey asked, "How long do we have to wait for Liv to show up? I wanna go home."

"I don't know." Elliot yawned, "I'm hoping that we don't have to do something like this ever again."

Then suddenly, Fin walked back in the squad room, this time with Melinda accompanying him. They didn't know that he was gone until just now, to which Munch asked, "Fin, since when were you were gone?"

"I had to perform a last-second task." he replied, "It has nothing to do with her, I ran into her at the door."

"Sure you did." Elliot smiled, implying that they did something extra before they got up there, "So why are you here, Melinda?"

"I got a call from your captain telling me to come over here." she explained.

"Well, Merry Christmas. I hope it was worth coming back here."

That was when Olivia returned, expecting that they just threw some stuff up to make her happy (which they technically did), but she was in awe when she saw how good of a job they did, in a surprise to them all, she said, "Oh my god. I can't believe this."

Though they were happy to see her there, George said out loud, "I can see it, I'm just hoping that the rest of you will agree with me."

"Merry Christmas, Olivia!" they all shouted, leaving George to keep his opinions about this to himself.

Either way, Olivia was shocked to see how much effort they put in to fix what happened. She said to all of them, "Did you guys do all of this for me? I suppose there is a thing called Christmas miracles."

Although it was a heart warming moment, it wasn't so warming when Elliot rebutted, "Miracle? Bullshit! We spent all night trying to fix this, I even stole my _family's_ tree, for god's sake."

"As much as I hate to say it, he's right." Cragen agreed, "We did work on this all night, just to make you happy."

"Well I'm so happy that you guys did all of this." she smiled, then she noticed something was missing. "Hey, Munch. Where's your stuff?"

Munch pointed behind him, and replied, "I threw it the trash, because it just happened to cause the fire."

Surprisingly, Olivia walked over to the trash can and picked the menorah out of the trash. She walked off with it and took some time cleaning it up, and placed it on her desk – all while she lit the candles that were still in it. This didn't make much sense to any of them, not even Munch, who asked her.

"Liv, what are you doing?"

She turned around and explained, "I don't know. I believe that the reason to my misfortune is associated with how I treat you. But this time, I want to turn over a new leaf. Happy Hanukkah, Munch."

He didn't know if she was playing him, or being sincere. Either way, he smiled and replied, "Merry Christmas, Olivia."

While they were "burying the hatchet" on Christmas, Alex took the time to tell Elliot something, "Well now that we're making amends, I'd like to tell you something, Elliot. I want to say that I would like to end our annual battle. It has caused too much damage, too many risks and we've almost landed in jail because of it."

"Yeah, they are right. We have gotten into trouble over the years." Elliot agreed.

Then Alex gave him a drink, and asked, "So what do you say? We call a truce?"

"Sure, truce." he replied, taking the drink and having a drink with her. They both downed theirs and they smiled at each other, but then Elliot felt odd, "Wait, I don't feel so good. Hold on, did you poison me?"

Elliot immediately following his sentence, fell flat to the floor. To which Alex pointed down at him and shouted, "Ha, ha, ha! This is a war, bitch!"

Then everyone gathered around, except Fin, who happened to notice Elliot was unresponsive. But they didn't seem to care, as Olivia said, "Well, we all learned a valuable lesson these past several days. I guess at this time of year, we all gotta be grateful that we're all together."

"Well time for us to sing!" Nick proclaimed, as they gathered by the tree and sang Christmas songs. Due to some copyright concerns, we can't exactly give you the exact lyrics that they were singing, nor can we tell you _which song_ they were singing. Either way, they were full of joy.

However, Fin was more focused on Elliot, who has not responded to him. He got up and told them, "Guys, I think Elliot's dead. Hello?"

They didn't bother to listen or even care about what he was trying to tell them, as they continued to have a good time together, singing along to Christmas tunes. Thus wraps up a rather confusing, unusual, and rather random Christmas story. While Fin called an ambulance, they were celebrating the best Christmas ever – even if someone was lying on the floor dead, as long as Olivia was happy, they didn't mind.

But it left one completely mind boggling question – _What happened to Barba?_

* * *

**End of Chapter Twenty-Two**


	23. Chapter 23

_It's Like a Drug Deal *dun dun*_

It was a Sunday afternoon, and it was Nick's day off of work. He planned on doing absolutely nothing but sit on the couch, with nothing but his sweatpants and some snacks (and beer), watch the ballgame and sleep for the rest of the day; it seemed like a flawless day... however, coming into the living room was his wife Maria, carrying her usual expression. Seemed like forever since he last seen her smile, as a matter of fact, he didn't recall anytime where she has.

Regardless, she stood behind the television with her hands on her waist and told him, "Nick, I need you to do something for me."

"Maria, could it wait for a few hours?" he replied, as he tried moving back and forth to see the television.

"No, it can't! I need you to go to the store to pick some things up for me."

She gave him a list of items she desired, but what he really wanted to do was watch the game. He knew all too well that arguing with her was going to take as long as the game, so it seemed simpler just to make a quick run at the store and get back to his original plans. Missing some of the game was worth more that missing the _entire_ game – it depends.

_At the grocery store_ , Nick had quickly scoured around trying to find the right thing for his wife, which ranged from chocolate, to pillows to a lot of various items that he never bothered to take a second guess or opinion. Before he went to the counter, he wanted to make sure he got everything that was there.

"Let's see..." he murmured, going through the list and what he had in his basket, "Yep. Got everything I need to-"

And then, he looked at the very bottom of the list and found something else, something no man should get – _tampons._ Nick stared with horror in his eyes, when he saw this. He hoped that he didn't have to do this again. _Sometime later_ , Nick bought the other items at the grocery store, intentionally forgetting to buy the dreaded item. Rather than sucking it up and buying them, he went the high road and found himself elsewhere to buy them.

Somehow, he found himself in a dark alley in the South Bronx, wearing shades and a wad of money in his pocket. He was there to meet up with his right hand man to provide the product for him; emerging from the shadows, was Amanda – who was also wearing shades, and a hooded sweatshirt. Now none of this made sense at all.

"You got the money?" Amanda asked, without looking at him; as was he.

"You got the stuff?" He replied. She flashed the boxes and with no hesitation, Nick handed her the money. As soon as she counted the money, she gave him the stuff and the moment he got it from her, Nick's plan was the get the hell out of there fast.

_Later that day_ , Nick rushed back in the house, tossing everything he bought for his wife and went over to watch the rest of the game. But it ended.

* * *

_Christmas Is a Time To Share *dun dun*_

It was Christmas Day in New York, which if you think about it, is serious business. Everybody was enjoying the Christmas festivities, ripping open their gifts – depends if they already have, and in some cases, they got heavily drunk. Somewhere in Manhattan, Casey was waltzing around her apartment singing Christmas carols, in a rather explicit hip-hop type fashion; unlike Olivia, she was able to comfortably adjust with the fact that she's also lonely around the holidays.

And then she heard someone knocking on the door, all of a sudden; Casey believed that it was perhaps one of her neighbors to complain about the noise she was making (They usually counter her rowdiness by playing louder music, or use ear plugs.), so she walked over to see who it was. To her surprise, she was greeted by Alex, her best friend that was wearing all red for this occasion.

"Merry Christmas!" Alex shouted, hugging her buddy tight.

Separating the rather uncomfortable hug, Casey said, "Merry Christmas, Alex. I'm happy you finally came."

"Yeah but before I start, I need to ask: Why is so loud in here?"

Casey rushed over to turn off the music, which was becoming a little of a nuisance and let her inside. At some point later on, the two spend the entire morning talking, drinking, plotting several schemes that may be illegal – but mostly they drank throughout the day. After the finished a discussion about 17th century rifles, Casey felt like giving Alex her Christmas present; but it was also fueled by the fact that Alex herself had a few gifts of her own.

They sat down on the floor, right aside from the Christmas tree as they exchanged gifts to one another. Alex noticed the vast amount of gifts around the tree, which prompted her to ask, "Hey, what is with all of these other gifts? About most of them aren't even marked."

"Yeah, those belong to the others. I called them and said I have gifts for them, but they haven't showed up." she explained, "If they don't come, I'll either give them away, take them back, or burn them outside the building. Either one would work."

Alex nodded, although she was a bit concerned about why they didn't show up. Either way, she shrugged and handed Casey her present, and said, "Here's your present, Casey."

"And here's yours, Alex." she replied; they opened them at the same time – but their reactions were different. Casey was ecstatic when she opened her gift, which was a stuffed dinosaur. She hugged it and squealed out of excitement and said, "A stuffed dinosaur?! Oh my god, I love it! Thank you so much, Alex!"

Casey reached over and hugged Alex, who wasn't content with her gift – which was a block of marijuana. She looked rather confused as Casey held her tight, and ran to her bedroom so she could introduce her new stuffed dinosaur to the other ones.

Meanwhile, Alex looked up and down at the block of pot and exclaimed, "What am I supposed to do with this?"

* * *

_Dressing Up Is Serious Business. Seriously. *dun dun*_

On a Saturday afternoon, with no clear, explainable reason, Alex and Casey were paying their friend Olivia a little visit, since she took the time to blow up their phones with constant texts and phone calls; it can definitely be said that her only intention was to do something completely idiotic. But then again, neither had anything better to do in the first place; for Alex, it was either come here or train her army of turtles.

As for Casey, it was this or smoke weed. It seemed like almost everything she did was get high and try cases – as long as it didn't hurt anybody.

They banged on the apartment door, only for it to open slowly. They glanced at each other for a second to see if they both saw the same thing, and walked in the apartment. They searched around the place, both of them calling out her name. Everything was there, except for Olivia. But out of nowhere, Olivia leaped out in front of them; something that startled them so much, Alex reacted by pointing her gun at her face. It was likely that it wasn't licensed, but who cares.

Olivia fell to the ground and pleaded, "Please, don't shoot!"

Alex took an exhale and put away her gun, and told the detective, "Liv, you know you can't scare me like that. I was _this close_ to putting a bullet in your face."

"Now that we've made sure no one has a bullet in their ass," Casey chimed in, then asked, "Why are we here, Olivia? Do you need us to get the monsters out from under your bed?"

When she heard the word "monsters", Olivia flinched and said, "Where? I told Elliot that they were back!"

"So what is so important that you had to drag me and Alex over here?"

She calmed down fast, and got to the reason why she brought them there in the first place. She walked over to her closet, whist she explained, "Well you see, I recently came across a convention and I thought we can go there dressed like this!"

Olivia turned around and unveiled three costumes. It didn't take Alex and Casey anymore than a second to realize that those three costumes were grown versions of _The Powerpuff Girls_. They looked at her with stern expressions, indicating how displeased they were; Olivia stared at them blankly, still holding them in her hand.

"Why in the hell are you trying to make us wear those?" Alex groaned.

"I want the three of us to cosplay as The Powerpuff Girls." she explained briefly.

Realizing how stupid and odd that would be, Alex shook her head, while Casey was confused. To which she asked, "Wait? What is cosplay?"

"Cosplay is an excuse to dress up as their favorite characters on days, other than Halloween. Also known as Japan's unnecessary, and highly superfluous gift sent to us Americans." Alex snidely explained to her red headed friend. While she was against the idea of cosplay, she was open to dressing up apparently, "So since you have them out, have you decided how this should go?"

"I have a thought." Casey spoke out, "I'll be Blossom, Alex will be Bubbles and Liv will be Buttercup."

Olivia glared at Casey, turned around while holding on the red one, and said sternly, " _I_ want to be Blossom."

"No, Olivia!" Alex protested, "Casey will be Buttercup, I will be Blossom and _you_ will be Bubbles."

Seeing the hostility that was building up, Casey walked over to them and suggested, "Shouldn't we play this out based on hair color? Because I'm the redhead, Alex is the blonde and Olivia is the brunette."

"No! Shut up, Casey!" Alex and Olivia hissed in unison.

It seems extremely weird that these three women know a kid's show, and are fighting over whom they should play. But yet again, does is really matter?

* * *

_Deteriorating Popularity *dun dun*_

Inside the SVU squad room on a Thursday afternoon, it was suspiciously quiet for police precinct at this time of day. There weren't that many people in the squad room at that time so when you think about it, one may assume that they are out handling police business – either that or there was _another_ dead frog outside; usually it's a possum, but it is all the same. Captain Cragen noticed this all too well, exiting his office and seeing only Olivia on her computer.

He didn't want to go over there for obvious reasons, because there was the chance that she was searching for porn again. Either way, Cragen shrugged and walked over to Olivia, who was simply browsing a website, that occasionally, had pictures.

He stood next to her and asked, "Benson, what are you doing?"

His question wasn't in the usual tone, as it was more interested. Olivia turned around and replied, "Nothing. I'm just angry as all."

"Why are you angry?" he inquired, raising an eye brow. He took a better look at the site and asked, "Are you on _TV Tropes_?"

She spun back to her monitor and asked her captain, "Yes, that's why I'm angry. Captain, why aren't _we_ featured on this site?! I mean, we work hard just like these other fan fictions, how come we don't have a page dedicated to our story?"

"I guess we're not popular or important as those other stories." said Cragen.

Olivia got up from her desk chair and leaped onto her desk and loudly proclaimed, "I swear, I will fix this injustice! I will have our story featured, mentioned, and/or recommended on this website, so then everyone will know about our tales. I will assemble the masses and I will not rest until we receive our fucking retribution!"

"Well, good luck with that." he told her, walking back into his office. _Her journey to have the story on TV Tropes begins here..._

* * *

_What's Going On? (Infidelity parody) *dun dun*_

Walking into the squad room early that afternoon, Alex returned to see what the detectives wanted from her – usually something that involved one of their investigations, but we won't get into further details of course. But as she walked through the hallway, she noticed that some of the officers and detectives were acting rather odd when they saw her walking around in the precinct, making her wonder what was so fascinating about her to them.

As she entered the squad room, the first person who came to greet her was Captain Cragen, who was a bit concerned about one thing. He walked over and told her, "Alex, where the hell have you been? You're late to work again."

That made no sense to Alex, to which she rebutted, "What are you talking about, captain? I don't work here."

"Well either way, I need you and Sergeant Tutuola to go out to Harlem."

Something about that sentence didn't click right, so Alex turned to Fin and exclaimed, "Since when did you get promoted, Fin?"

"I don't even know." he shrugged.

It got stranger from there, as Olivia came and approached her in a weird manner. She hugged her tight, and refused to let her go. While Alex tried to break free, Olivia cried out, "Oh Alex, it's so nice to see you again. I thought it would be difficult for you to come back, considering this is where you got shot."

"What? Liv, the only time I was shot was by drug dealers." she explained, "And it _wasn't_ in this squad room?"

"Why are you denying everything that has happened?" Olivia inquired, "You may be dealing with trauma after what happened."

Matters turned worse, when Munch joined in on this rather strange performance. He walked over to Alex, placing an hand on her shoulder, and he greeted, "Oh hello, detective. Glad to see you're back, so how is everything and most of all, how is Suzaku holding up?"

Alex didn't know if this was either a mindless prank, or they were actually serious. She was to the point where she was highly annoyed, so she had to clarify several things with them, "Okay, first of all, I am _**not**_ a detective! Secondly, I wasn't shot in this squad room. And lastly, who the hell is Suzaku?"

Cragen walked over to her and he told her, "Don't worry, Alex. We'll make sure you two deserve justice for what happened to you both. We owe that to you two."

She was flustered and annoyed even more, she tried to muster an rebuttal to these unusual things that they've been telling her. Their looks of concern were surprisingly sincere, they _actually_ believed that all these things are true and they actually happened. Unable to retaliate, Alex walked out of the squad room all together. She hoped that everything that they were talking about wasn't true as they thought. But yet again, it could be. Or not.

"What's wrong with her, captain?" Munch asked him.

"She's living in a state of denial. Can't blame her, I wouldn't want to relive the events either."

Chances are Alex was not going to hear the end of this.

* * *

**End of Chapter Twenty Three**


	24. Chapter 24

_It's Hard To Say Goodbye *dun dun*_

It has been more than a week since Captain Cragen announced his retirement and left the squad, and for some reason, everyone was taking this very well. But in the past few years, they've lost Elliot, Munch and now their leader. This doesn't help the fact that Olivia, who is now a sergeant – _**not**_ a captain, has taken over. Since then there have been more departures since that happened; either it was a coincidence or they didn't want her as a commander.

But enough of the rambling for a while. One day, no different than any other day, Olivia arrived at work and was about to go into her new office. But the very second she touched the door knob, Amanda busted out of the office, swinging a broom at her.

"Go away! This is the captain's office!" she barked, while whacking her with said broom.

Olivia backed off and yelled, "Okay, okay!"

Now that the threat had been averted, Amanda sat in waiting, still defending his old office. Meanwhile, Olivia approached Nick and Fin, who watched the entire thing, and then asked, "What the hell is wrong with her? He's been gone for two weeks, and she's _still_ refusing to let me in."

"You can't really blame her, Liv." Fin replied, "She was sad when the captain left. Do you remember what she did when he was leaving."

_**-Flashback-** _

_As Cragen finished packing up all of his things from his office, as well as having a heartfelt conversation with Olivia, he was ready to exit the squad room for the final time. However, to his and the rest of their surprise, Amanda leaped out of nowhere and held on to his ankle._

_Trying to shake her off of him, he yelled, "Get off of me, Amanda!"_

" _Please don't leave us, captain." Amanda cried out, "I don't want to be alone with her."_

_**-End Flashback-** _

Thinking about it in that perspective, Olivia shrugged and agreed with him, "Hm? Now that you mention it, it does make sense when you think about it."

"Give her some time. I mean remember when Nick was asking Munch to stay?"

For some reason, Nick shrugged and said, "We don't have a flashback for that."

* * *

_When You Think About It... *dun dun*_

All alone in the squad room late at night, Elliot and Olivia sat at their desks saying nothing to each other. No, they were not planning a way to have sex in the precinct if that's what you're thinking, but they were just doing their usual work. Nothing was there for them to do anyways, so it was mostly them and each others' thoughts. But then as they remained quiet, Elliot thought of something that neither him or anyone in the squad had though about.

He raised his head up and said to Olivia, "Hey, Liv? I just noticed something weird."

"What's that?" she replied.

"Do you remember the two people that plays us?"

This caught her attention a bit and she asked, "Yeah. What about 'em?"

"I was thinking, what if they read this story? What would their reactions be?"

Surprisingly, this question intrigued her. In fact, it mind blew as well. Thinking about it for a little while, she said, "Huh? It's an interesting question when you think about it. In my opinion, I don't believe that they would like it all that much."

"Yeah that's what I thought too."

* * *

_Anything Goes At Wal-Mart *dun dun*_

On a calm Sunday afternoon, Alex and Casey went searching for a numerous supplies for their radical mission against an army of super turtles. This was completely stupid and dangerous, and most likely, it was going to get them both killed or at the very least, arrested. But regardless of how dangerous it was, they were still going to battle said turtles. Walking into the store, Casey had zero idea why that they were in a store like this, for "certain" supplies.

As Alex picked up a shopping cart, Casey asked her, "Alex, what the hell are we doing at Wal-Mart? I thought we needed supplies."

"We do need some – and this is the place to get them."

"I'm not sure we'll be able to find what we need here? Besides, what was it you were looking for?"

"Interesting that you brought that up, my friend." Alex replied, "I'm here to find an army tank. Something that can crush turtle shells."

"An army tank?!" Casey exclaimed, while trying to keep her voice down, "What makes you think we're gonna find a real life tank in this place?"

Despite how impossible it sounded, Alex rebutted, "This is Wal-Mart. They'll literally sell you anything. They can sell you a human being if they could."

"That doesn't sound right, but okay then."

Throughout the course of the day, Alex went searching for a tank, despite Casey telling her that it was damn near impossible to find. But either way, like all others who tell her that she can't do something, Alex always tries to prove them wrong. About forty minutes passed by, and it somehow led to Alex outside the store talking to a couple of mechanics – with a large army tank behind them. Not going to get into the details about how she found it, but she was working on making it hers.

As everything was cleared, the mechanic handed Alex a clipboard with a contract and told her, "Now sign this and the tank is yours."

She stared blankly at him, until she slowly picked up the clipboard and signed it, using one of her pseudonyms. He found nothing suspicious about this at all, neither did he wonder why Wal-Mart sells tanks in the first place. Either way, he shrugged and handed her the keys.

Now that Alex has everything she came for, she said, "Alright, that's about everything we need. Come on, Casey..."

Alex heard nothing, so she turned around and noticed that she wasn't there at all. "Casey? Where did you go?" she exclaimed.

Meanwhile, at one of the registers, Casey was being checked out by one of the cashiers. By that, she was _actually_ being bought by a regular family (depends of how you define regular), who just so happened to come across her and decided to buy and take her home. As the transaction was completed, the mother placed her in the cart and told her child:

"Now you are responsible for taking care of it, am I clear?"

The child was a boy, no older than ten; just to be clear. He told his mom, "I know, mom. I'll take care of her."

"Damn, Alex _was_ right." Casey said to herself. "I hope this kid has dinosaurs."

* * *

_Preschool *dun dun*_

It was a regular Monday morning, somewhere in Queens; school had just begun and everyone had already prepared to come back to school. This take us to Casey Novak – no she wasn't going to school again, she'd rather cut her arm off to do that again; but she was instead taking her nephew to preschool. Let's not speak of how Casey has a nephew, okay? She just _has_ one, so no need to poke around.

She was holding his hand down as they walked down the hallway, it was when he saw where he was going, he tried to back away and break free from his aunt's hand. He pleaded to her, "Please, Aunt Casey! I don't want to go in there! Can we go somewhere else?"

Knowing how nervous and scared he was, Casey went down to one knee and told him, "Listen, Arthur. I know you're scared, but this is the start of a whole new chapter for you. I was like you too, and I was able to overcome it and I became something I wanted to be. If you want to be successful, it all starts here. Okay?"

"Okay, Aunt Casey. I understand." he smiled. She smiled, picked him up and carried him to his preschool class.

As she opened the door, he saw about fifteen to twenty other children inside. Casey let him down slowly and gently, and was about to take off. But before she took off, she took what little time she had to speak to her nephew and spoke some words of advice.

"Now listen, if you work hard, learn new things and put your mind to things, you could probably end up like me," Casey told him, but then she noticed someone who looked eery familiar. She looked up and saw Melinda with some of the children, "Melinda? Is that you?"

She looked up and saw Casey and her nephew and replied, "Oh hello, Casey. I was curious when I saw the name _Novak_ on my roster."

Casey got up and asked, "What are you doing here? Are you the preschool teacher?"

"Well, isn't it obvious?"

"What happened to your job as a medical examiner?" asked Casey.

"I still work there," she clarified, "I also work as a preschool teacher. Gotta pay the bills somehow."

Casey nodded and agreed, "Yep. I suppose you're right."

We're still not going to address how or why Casey has a nephew.

* * *

_Deteriorating Popularity: Part Two *dun dun*_

A week has passed since Olivia went off to have their story on the website _TV Tropes_ , some thought it was going to be impossible, others assumed that it was better off not being on the site, and the rest believed that there was a chance she was on drugs again and was in the midst of one of her ramblings. Whether they were right or wrong, chances were very slim; besides, Olivia didn't exactly _go anywhere_ to be honest, she just... well, it's hard to explain what she did.

Moving on from that, Captain Cragen didn't know what she was doing at all. He took a peek at the site, but saw that nothing was there; Cragen didn't know if she was still in the process of doing so, or her efforts were all in vain. Either way, she was still at her desk so he went to find out.

Like last time, Cragen approached her as she was on another website. So he asked her, "Hey, Olivia. Is there something that you should be doing?"

Olivia turned around and inquired, "Hm? Like what?"

"Didn't you say last week that you weren't going to rest until our story was _featured, mentioned or recommended_ on TV Tropes?"

She didn't exactly remember it at first, but then she thought about and was reminded of what she was supposed to be doing. However, she replied, "Oh that? Don't worry about that, captain. I'm not doing that anymore; I thought it would be a good idea at the time, but I decided that trying to have our story on that site is way too far-fetched. So I dumped that plan and moved on."

"Just like that?"

"Pretty much, captain." she nodded, "Besides, we're doing fine already."

Cragen thought about that, and it made some sense. He nodded and agreed, "I suppose you're right about that."

_And so, Olivia's journey to have the story on TV Tropes ends here. Apparently._

* * *

_Liv & Hobbes *dun dun*_

During the middle of a work day, the detectives were, like always, doing regular work. And like always, Olivia was absent, missing or just flat out hiding somewhere. Well, not exactly today, as she was sitting alone for some reason. Nobody seemed to care even the slightest about what she was doing anyways, but as far as the rest goes, it was hard to try and ignore the elephant in the room – and by "elephant", we technically mean tiger.

Just a few of the detectives (Nick, Fin, Amanda and Munch), and then Cragen couldn't help but notice Olivia sitting in a corner in the squad room, while she drank tea with a stuffed tiger. This made them curious more than anything, but it was actually fear; this made them worry about Olivia and her current state, so instead of chiding her about it, they decided to see what was going on.

As they approached her, she laughed, took a sip of tea and said, "Oh you're right about that. Of course I've always wanted to have my own castle, I would be the queen."

Now it started to creep them out, notably Fin; but they needed to figure out what the deal was with her, so Munch went over and asked, "Uh, Liv? What is going on here?"

"Oh, hey guys! I was about to ask you guys if you could join." Olivia greeted; she was in a noticeably happy mood, "I'm just having a tea party with my new friend."

"New friend? And who would that be?" Nick inquired.

Olivia picked up the stuffed tiger and introduced them to it, "This! This is my brand new tiger, I found him at a swap meet last week. His name is Hobbes."

They stood in silence for a moment, until Nick told her, "Well, that is all I need to know."

"Are you sure you're alright, Olivia?" Cragen chimed in and asked, "This seems incredibly odd."

"How is this odd? I'm just having a tea party." she replied, until she paused for a moment then laughed out of nowhere. She told the stuffed tiger, "Oh come on, don't say things like that. I think Amanda looks wonderful."

At some point, Munch, Fin and Amanda all left at some point; it was way too strange for their tastes. Nick and Cragen stayed for a bit until they eventually left themselves. But while she went along with her business, it had to be mentioned, so Nick asked his captain:

"What the hell is wrong with that woman, captain?"

Despite finding it strange himself, Cragen told him, "Cut her some slack, Amaro. She's very lonely, and if that stuffed toy can make her feel if she has one friend, then let her be happy."

Meanwhile, as they were gone, Olivia focused her attention back on the stuffed doll. As she poured another cup of tea, Hobbes (the stuffed tiger) asked her, "What is wrong with those people, Olivia?"

"Don't about them. Screw those guys, they always give me a hard time." she replied. At least we know there's a little bit of child and imagination left in her.

* * *

**End Of Chapter Twenty Four**


	25. Chapter 25

_How Amanda Met Frannie *dun dun*_

It was a early Saturday afternoon, as Amanda and Olivia were together at the animal shelter looking for a pet – no, not for Olivia, but for Amanda. Ever since her sister came and stole practically everything that she owned (especially the food), she barely wanted to come home, usually insisting on staying at the precinct. Either way, this was an opportunity for Olivia to do something good for someone; not like she hasn't in the past.

Upon their arrival, they took a good look at what they had in stock; sounds wrong but let's move on. Throughout their visit, Olivia tried suggesting animals for her to take home, some were ridiculous, others weren't that bad, but Amanda couldn't see anything in them that she would like.

Eventually, it escalated into an mild argument between them, with Olivia asking her – as she was tired of her being indecisive, "Okay, we've been here for over an hour. Do you want a pet or not?"

"Well sorry that I'm wasting your time, Liv. But there just isn't any animals that are deemed fit."

Olivia sighed and suggested, "Why not do what I do, and just settle with anything?"

"That's exactly why you're miserable, did that ever occur to you?"

She was left in a trail of silence, leaving herself to think about that for a little while. Amanda had just about enough as she walked away from the cages, until she heard a whimper from close range. It caught her attention, so she turned to her left and looked down. The very first thing she sees is a dog extending its paw at her, Amanda gained significant interest in the dog and called over both the volunteer and Olivia.

When they respond to her calls, she points down at the dog down below. "Hey, what about this one, Liv?"

Olivia looked down at the dog, then back at Amanda and said with disbelief, "This is the one you want?"

"Something wrong with that?"

Quite frankly, Olivia had no objections to her choice whatsoever; she would rather her pick that dog than stay at that animal shelter for another minute. After they finalized the paperwork and paid them for it, Amanda and Olivia walked out of the animal shelter with Amanda's new dog. Even though it wasn't even her decision, Olivia did express her distaste for what Amanda came out with. As if she could do any better.

"So, what do you plan on naming this... dog?" she asked.

Amanda thought about it for a second, and then told her, "I think I might call her _Frannie Mae_. That sounds like a nice name."

"For a dog? You kidding me?" she exclaimed, "That's a stupid name."

" _Your_ name is stupid!" Amanda grinned.

"Fuck you, Amanda." Olivia scowled, then pushed her away. Amanda glared a her for putting her hands on her and pushed her back. However, for some reason the dog started growing at Olivia, which brought some concern from the two of them. Looking down she said to Amanda, "What's her problem?"

In an instant, the dog charged at Olivia, biting down at her ankle. Olivia screamed out in pain, while she tried to pull the dog off of her. Rather than help her, Amanda smiled at her new doggy and watched as she chewed Olivia like a brand new bone – so to speak.

"Aw, isn't that cute? She's playing with you."

"This dog is chewing my ankle! Please help me!" she shouted. But Amanda decided to let her get bored of her.

* * *

_Frozen *dun dun*_

During another hour of pushing useless paperwork, there was something that was bothering the detectives, mostly it was bothering Nick to a great extent. Because of some unusual circumstance, Olivia was confined to her desk, with only Alex's pet chicken to hang out with. We're not going to get into why her chicken is there but the fact is, Olivia was left alone at her desk – but that was what he was uncomfortable with.

He wasn't the only detective that noticed this, as Amanda, Munch and Fin all took notice to the fact that she was there alone. But that wasn't why they were uncomfortable, it was the fact that she had a huge grin on her face; not only that, but she was also staring right at them all while she petted the chicken. No pun intended.

It was to the point where they had to ask each other why she was doing that. To which Nick addressed, "Is it me, or does it look like Liv wants to murder us all?"

They noticed it, and then Fin stated, "She looks like a deranged serial killer, about to chop off that chicken's head."

For about five minutes or so, they all exchanged stares with nothing but complete silence. It was until Olivia went and asked, "What are you guys doing?"

"Liv, why are you giving that look? It's creepy." Nick asked her.

She didn't get it for a moment, but understood what he meant, so she answered. "Because my face is stuck like this."

* * *

_It Seems Relaxing Sometimes To Be A Captain *dun dun*_

Somwhere in the afternoon, inside the SVU squad room, there was a brief meeting between Olivia, Alex and Munch, who were discussing the details on a toddler's death and how the district attorney's office should handle this case. This was probably the first time that these three have been in the same room together and nothing weird, unusual, and/or insane has happened in the process. Either way, that was something to address.

As Alex picked up her suitcase, prepared to leave the squad room, she told both the detectives, "Okay, I would speak to the aunt about her sister, see if she saw witnessed any bruises or any signs of abuse from her. Liv, I would go and speak to your captain and give him an update on what's going on."

"Alright, counselor." Munch nodded, "Liv, go and speak to the captain."

"Understood." she nodded.

Olivia walked over to the captain's office to inform him about a break in the investigation. The moment she opened the door and walked inside, she didn't understand what she was facing. She cocked her head to the side and looked with disbelief. She went over and said out loud to Cragen, "What are you doing, captain?"

No it's not what it seems. Cragen was only sitting by his desk, with a bowl of cereal and a television on his desk. Upon further discovery, she realized that he was watching cartoons while eating cereal. None of this made any sense to her. For quite some time, Olivia blankly stared at her captain, which caught his attention soon after.

He turned around and saw his detective looking down at him, so he asked, "Is there something you need, Detective?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact I came in to tell you something." Olivia told him, but strayed away from that for a moment to address what he was doing, "But enough of that, what I really want to talk about is the fact that you are sitting here eating cereal and watching SpongeBob in the middle of the afternoon."

"Well what do you suggest I do? Walk around babysitting you people all day?"

"That's basically your job."

"Well some days I need to take a load off and take a little break." He explained, "When was the last time you ever took a break from the job?"

That got her to thinking; she couldn't recall a single moment where she has ever taken a break from the job, so she could get her head together. Yeah, Olivia is worked _that_ hard. About thirty minutes later, both Olivia and Captain Cragen were both sitting in his office, watching cartoons. For some reason, Olivia has never once felt this relaxed in all the years she spent with this very unit; even the strongest needs a break.

As Olivia poured herself another bowl of cereal, she noted with her mouth full, "This is my favorite episode right here."

* * *

_Elusive *dun dun*_

It was early in the morning inside of the squad room, and it was already quite busy to say the least – no it wasn't because of current cases and statements, it was actually the surprise attack on the squad by a bunch of rabid animals. Only this time, it wasn't because of something Olivia did or some demented plan that Alex came up with.

While they cleaned up the mess, which ranged from rabbit blood to deer guts, Fin was by his desk patching up Elliot, who was bitten by said rabbits. He couldn't resist to ask him, "Why in the hell do these things keep on happening around here?"

"It's better not to nitpick. It's safer that way." Elliot groaned, as his entire body was riddled in rabbit bites. But while everyone was cleaning up and patching each other up, Alex and Munch enter the squad room dressed as hunters. Elliot didn't care, since he was in pain; Cragen was elsewhere and Olivia wasn't paying attention as she was at her desk listening to explicit rap songs.

Fin looked up as the two approached him, then said, "What are you guys doing here, and why are you two look like you are going to hunt something?"

"Because we are going out in the woods to hunt the most elusive creature of mankind." Alex explained.

Putting together the pieces, Fin realized what they were doing and he said with disbelief, "Oh no, don't tell me that you're searching for-"

"Yes, Fin. We are about to hunt down _'Big Foot'_." Munch told him, cutting of his sentence.

"We discovered that he's hiding somewhere upstate, so we are going to hunt down that little bitch and reap the reward money."

"Couldn't you guys just hunt down a serial killer instead?"

Alex laughed and replied, "Oh no, this is more dangerous and time consuming."

Realizing how idiotic this way, especially for them, Fin shook his head and told them, "Alright, you two go out and do your thing."

"Will do!" Munch said with enthusiasm.

They sprinted out of the squad room, hoping to hunt down this elusive creature; while Fin looked at them with little concern, but then another thing that caught his attention was the fact that Olivia was now _singing along_ to the rap songs that she was listening too, unaware of the fact that people can hear her. He tried his best to disregard it.

* * *

_The Narrator *dun dun*_

Late in the evening right as they were about to finish up, the detectives started to notice something odd going on. They could never put their fingers on it since they were unsure what it could be, but for the longest they have noticed something completely off in the last several months. However, they have completely disregarded it and gone about their business.

Eventually, someone had to address this – and that person just happened to be Olivia. She looked around at her colleagues and asked, "Okay, am I the _only_ person who can hear it?"

The detectives didn't understand her question, as Elliot replied, "What are you talking about? Are you on drugs again?"

"Trust me, if I was then you'd know." she said, "What I'm actually talking about is the fact that there has been someone has been watching us and narrating everything that we do. Call me insane like Munch but I know for a fact that things like that aren't supposed to happen."

"So what you suggest we do?" Munch inquired.

Olivia took a moment to think of a plan to stop the voices in her head. She thought long and hard until at last she- "Will you stop with that, please?!"

Huh? Are you talking about me?

"Yes you! For two years I've had to listen to you speak, why are you narrating us?"

Because my lovely Olivia, this is a story. And for all stories, it requires a narrator so that everyone can read about everything that is going on around you and everything else in between.

"Wouldn't it be more efficient to have up speaking? Why need all that useless stuff?"

Unfortunately, if we did that then no one would like it and it would subsequently removed from the Internet. Now, may I continue my job? Just pretend that my voice doesn't exist.

"Alright fine, I'll try to ignore you the best way I can."

Great! Now where was I? Oh yeah, Olivia sighed as she sat back down by her desk. Unable to drown the voices in her head, she searched for some pills to relieve the headache she had. Meanwhile, for the other detectives, they wondered why she was yelling and screaming at the ceiling for no apparent reason.

"What's wrong with her?" Fin asked both Munch and Elliot.

"I don't know. Maybe she is on drugs like I mentioned earlier." Elliot shrugged. Unfortunately, it seems that only she can hear the narrator.

* * *

**End of Chapter Twenty Five**


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Special edition crossover w/South Park.

_Before we begin with the story..._

_(Inside the warehouse, with nothing but a chair and a camera, a young boy in an orange coat walks over and sits down. According to the paper the producers have, his name is supposed to be Kenny.)_

_**Kenny** \- *voice muffled* "Hello ladies and gentlemen. I'm sure that you are expecting the usual stuff you are used to reading, but in this chapter we will be doing something entirely different. Tonight we will be giving you several different one-shots featuring us and these fine police detectives. We hope you enjoy and we also hope that you give us your feedback. Thank you and enjoy this chapter."_

_(Munch walks in unexpectedly and looks down at Kenny, noticing something off.)_

_**Munch** \- "Why is this orange coat kid wearing a dress and a wig?"_

* * *

_The Replacements *dun dun*_

Ever since Olivia left the squad, they've been working relentlessly to find a replacement for her. Although many may argue that she can "never be replaced", let's just let them continue thinking that. Anyways, this process has taken far too long than expected; overall, it has taken over three months and during that span they have blown through some very unsatisfying detectives.

Perhaps the most annoying (or the worse) replacement that they've been able to find were two Canadian detectives. Now that seems okay, but on a slow afternoon inside the squad room, the other detectives showed how displeased they were with them there.

Captain Cragen walked out of his office, and noticed how annoyed some of his detectives were. He approached Elliot and asked, "Is there something going on here, detectives?"

"Yeah. It's about those new recruits that you sent in, they're driving us insane." Elliot replied.

"What exactly are they doing?"

"So far, they've been cracking jokes and farting for the past two hours." Fin chimed in.

Elliot groaned and added, "Not just that but their laughing. It was infectious at first, but now it's annoying."

"If you don't believe us, just watch and listen." Fin told him, pointing over to the two, who were siting at their desks cracking jokes.

"Say, Terrance? What's the difference between a bagel and an asshole?" asked the blond one, next to him.

"I don't know, Phillip? What?"

Then for some reason, Phillip gets out of his chair and farts on him; and the two starting laughing hysterically. Cragen had no idea what that joke was suppose to mean, while Fin and Elliot just sat back with their expressions unchanged. Munch on the other hand, was chuckling as he heard the joke from afar.'

The three looks at Munch, who turns around and laughed, "Hey, even though it stinks in here, that was pretty funny."

Cragen walked away without a word, while Fin and Elliot focus on their work. Even though the smell of the place was horrible.

* * *

_The Underpants Gnomes *dun dun*_

It was just a simple day, as the – okay, let's cut the crap. We all know that this takes place in the squad room; we don't care if we get the chair again, we're just letting you guys know what is going on. Moving on, the detectives were discussing a case about a missing child as they collared a suspect in the investigation. While Nick and Olivia were standing by the captain talking about it, Amanda noticed something that made her think she was tripping.

At least two dozen gnomes were walking around signing a tune, and they crawled onto Olivia. Amanda looked on with disbelief as she watched them steal Olivia's underwear right off her body, then exited the squad room as if nothing happened.

Amanda looked at her, then at the exit and asked them, "Am I the only one who saw that happen?"

Nick raised an eyebrow and asked the detective, "Saw what?"

"There were about a dozen gnomes that came in here?"

"I suppose it was you imagination."

Meanwhile, Olivia started to notice something off and asked herself, "Did I remember to put on underwear today?"

Later that day, Amanda was all by herself in the locker room, trying to put something inside her locker – until she heard that very same tune she heard earlier that day. She decided to give the gnomes a little surprise, apparently this wasn't the only time this has happened. When the noise got closer, she pulled out her gun and pointed at the frightened gnomes.

One of them yelled out, "Jesus Christ, lady! What the hell is wrong with you?"

"What are you doing here?" she said sternly.

"We're collecting underpants for business." said another gnome.

"What kind of business?" she inquired.

"Follow us! We'll show you."

For some weird reason, Amanda was reluctant to follow them to see if it is for real. One week later, after they explained their whole objective and of course the whole three stages (minus one), Amanda walked in the squad room in a white fur coat and sunglasses; she was oozing so much swag she slapped someone on her way up there. Her colleagues were surprised to see her like this, especially Fin; who was liking the whole style.

"Nice coat, Amanda."

She smiled at Fin and replied, "Thanks, baby. I know it."

* * *

_A New Friend *dun dun*_

Let's keep it short and sweet, okay? One day inside the squad room, the detectives were doing the normal work as usual until Alex walked in unannounced. There wasn't a case that they were giving to her but actually it's more personal. Alex apparently missed Olivia's birthday, that was two days ago; this was because she was on vacation at the time and didn't come home until yesterday. But she aimed to give her a present either way.

Olivia was walking back to her desk when she saw Alex sitting on it, waiting for her. "Alex? What are you doing here?"

"I know that this is a little weird to say the least." she told her, "I realized that I missed your birthday, so I went out yesterday and got you something. It's not much, but I hope you like it."

She handed her a pink bag, with the card saying happy birthday. Olivia reached inside to see what she got her, and pulled out a puppet wearing a top hat. The others thought it was a complete ass pull by Alex, but Olivia smiled when she saw her gift.

"Thank you, Alex! I going to call him Mr. Hat." she smiled, putting on the puppet. What made it more heartwarming (or creepy) was when she started talking to it, "So are you ready to fight some bad guys, Mr. Hat?"

"I sure am, Detective Benson!"

Across the room, Munch said with a blank tone, "My God, what have you done?"

* * *

_The Stand *dun dun*_

Inside the courthouse on a Wednesday morning, on what was day thirty of a long murder trial. There were several witnesses that were expected to be on the stand that day, and although Casey Novak is used to that type of thing, she was aware that this was going to be a nightmare before the day ends. And it all started with the first one – a talking piece of feces.

Casey wore a mask to handle the stank, as she asked it (or him?), "So, Mr. Hankey? What is your recollection on the night before the murder?"

"Well I was out helping Santa Claus that evening, giving them presents."

"Did you see the defendant murder his wife and child while you were there?"

"I'm afraid I didn't."

She raised her eyebrow and inquired, "And you're not saying that because you are a piece of crap?"

"Objection!" shouted the defense attorney. There are so many of them, so who cares which one it is.

The next person on the stand, well wasn't really a person. But Casey didn't give a rat's ass about who or what it is; she approached the stand and asked a question, "Mr...Towelie, what is your relationship with the defendant and his family."

"Well, I'm the family towel. Always talking about bringing a towel and proper towel use."

"Can you remember anything from that night, in particular?" she asked.

"Okay. But let me get a little high." With that, the towel pulled out a joint and stated smoking. Though Casey herself was more than reluctant to smoke some weed, this was serious. He took a nice hit, and paused for a while.

Casey stared blankly at the towel and asked again, "Can you tell about what you saw?"

"Saw what?" he replied, chuckling a bit and exclaimed, "Oh man, I have no idea what's going on."

This was going to be one long ass day.

* * *

_Field Trip *dun dun*_

On a Monday afternoon inside the squad room, there were supposed to be a group of fourth graders from Colorado that were expected to visit the squad. This was not suppose to interfere with their work, but their captain was apparently supposed to give them a tour of the squad and what they do. It was pretty clear that this was going to be a really bad idea on both parts.

As the detectives were busy, Captain Cragen guided the kids and their teacher along the precinct; giving them the tour, despite his own disapproval of the matter. He told them as they entered, "Now this area right here, is where the detectives of Manhattan's Special Victims Unit performs their daily tasks. I ask you not to talk to them, as they are tied up."

Among the fourth graders, one kid in a green hat named Kyle asked, "Why are we taking a field trip to a sex crimes unit?"

Another fourth grader, by the name of Stan, replied. "I don't know. Maybe they don't care _where_ they're going, just as long as it's in New York."

Since they finally arrived, Amanda walked over to introduce herself. But she forgot that she had a semen sample in her hand, until this happened - "Hello, everyone. I'm Detective Rollins, it's nice to see all you kids out here."

As she was walking towards them, she bumped into one of the desks and dropped the sample on the floor. Cragen and the teacher looked on with disgust, while some of the children were laughing. It got a little more embarrassing from there – not for Amanda, but in fact, Olivia was in a rush as she was coming back to pick up a case file she forgot.

"Move out of my way!" she yelled, running and burrowing through the children. Not paying attention, Olivia slipped on the mess that was on the floor and fell down hard on her hip. All the fourth graders and the teacher (even Cragen) started laughing uncontrollably, while the detective was in a immense amount of pain.

Meanwhile, rather than working, Fin and Nick watched the entire thing pan out from their desks. Fin said, with very little emotion, "Well there goes our case."

"And Olivia's hip." Nick remarked.

* * *

_The Crab People's Retaliation *dun dun*_

Ever since this one crab person joined the squad, he has received hazing left and right. But most of it usually comes from Fin; however this may seem justified since about two-third of anything he says is about world domination, now they don't mind when Alex mentions her quest for world domination, but this thing (whatever it is) takes it up to eleven. But enough was enough, so he went to handle this one and for all.

As Fin was sitting by his desk doing some paperwork, the crab detective surprised him (barely) with the army of crab people that he has been preaching about for so long. He spoke out to him, "Excuse me, Detective? I have a surprise for you."

Fin looked up and saw an entire army of crab people surrounding him. He did not move a muscle in his face, when he said, "What is this supposed to be?"

"I am proving how strong of an army we are. We have had enough of your belittling, so we will show you are true strength." he told him, "Any last words before you die?"

The following day, the entire squad enjoyed a delicious crab buffet, courtesy of Fin. It was pretty obvious that the whole army blew up in their faces, and now they are being eaten by police officers. Among the many that were enjoying the free food, Olivia came over to Fin and told him.

"This is the best crab I've had in years."

"Thanks, Liv. Glad you're back to enjoy it."

Curious, Cragen walked over and asked him, "How much did it cost you to get all this crab?"

"It didn't cost me a damn thing."

* * *

_Waiting at the Bus Stop *dun dun*_

On a cold morning, there were four boys standing outside the 16th Precinct. Police walking in and out didn't understand what why those boys were standing there, mostly because they didn't ask them what they were doing on a snowy morning. Anyways, two or at least three of the boys you may already know. One other we'll get to in a moment.

As they waited for something, the green coat kid they call Kyle noted, "Damn the bus sure is taking too long."

"Maybe it's Saturday again." replied the kid in the orange coat, who they call Kenny.

"No I checked this time. It's supposed to be Tuesday; unless there's no school today."

One of the kids, named Stan who was on the right next to Kyle, looked around and noticed that there was something off; "Is it me, or does the bus stop look different than before?"

"Yeah, this doesn't look like the same bus stop." said the fat child next to Kyle and Kenny, who they call Cartman.

Among the many police that walked by not giving a damn, Olivia walked past them and noticed something unusual about that picture. The first thing that popped in her head was _why are four boys standing in front of a precinct?_ It wasn't in her nature to ignore such a thing, so she approached them slowly and looked down.

The boys noticed Olivia looking down at them, as she asked them, "What are you four doing out here?"

"We're waiting for the bus, lady." said Stan.

Olivia looked around herself, thinking as if she confused the precinct for somewhere else; then told them, "You do realize that you're standing in front of a police precinct, right?"

They looked around for themselves, and they were in disbelief. Cartman remembered something that he forgot to address, then said, "Oh yeah, this isn't the bus stop. I think we were suppose to get back on the bus a few hours ago."

An angered Kyle pushed Cartman and shouted, "Goddamn it, Cartman! Why didn't you say anything?"

"Ey! It is not my fault, you dirty Jew!" he retaliated.

She was more concerned that they missed their ride back home than the fact that they were continuously using foul language (although she was no different), so she aimed to help them get back home and contact their teacher.

"Come on, you guys. Get out of the cold and I'll try to call your teacher so they can pick you up." Olivia told them.

As they walked inside, Kenny exclaimed, "Holy shit, you guys! She has some big fucking tits!"

"What did he say?" she inquired, unable to make out what he said due to the coat muffing his voice.

"Don't worry about it." Kyle told her. Olivia shrugged and followed them in.

"Okay then, suit yourself." she murmured; walking back in the precinct, she took a look at Cartman and said, "Damn fatty, do you know you have D cups for butt cheeks?"

The other three boys laughed hysterically, while Cartman defended himself and yelled, "Goddamn it, I'm not fat!"

"Oh course you're not." she chuckled.

* * *

**End of Chapter Twenty Six**


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